BPDFamily.com

Hey. I feel like so different from my family. My mom and grandma are definitely ill. I believe my grandma to have NPD and my mom to have BPD, or maybe one or the other. Having grown up around my mom's substance abuse and emotional incest, she greatly impacted me. Today, I deal with random emotional outbursts. I can't be myself around her and I say one thing and she gets set off. Sometimes being human just sets her off. I am staying here until I find a good job and move out again because it doesn't work out with roommates for me. I cut off contact with my grandma and have contact with my mom I guess because it is "comfortable" for the time being. Today, I walked in the house and said to my mom that when I move if I have an apartment, my cat is gonna come with me. I gave my cat to my mom when I moved back because I moved my cat around too much when living with roommates. My mom literally started yelling at the top of her lungs and said really mean things to me, accusing me of needing to be "nasty", and she started crying and became suspicious of me thinking I was going to give my cat to someone or something. She didn't understand that I was upset about my cat... .and never really had the capacity to ever talk to me about anything. It is always so extreme with her and she might act normal for a day, but ultimately my needs as a human are never met. She spent so much time getting mad at me, fighting back with me, so now I don't even bother anymore... I repress so many feelings, why because when it comes to feelings it is all about her. And if for some reason she has listened to me in the past, she goes on and goes on about things that are off topic with what Im talking about. And in the end, there is always blame to put on someone who is usually/if not always me. She cannot take responsibility for whatever reason, and doesn't filter herself when she talks and then if someone else talks a lot she interrupts and makes her the star of the conversation, always. It always ends up to me listening to her about things about her day, things about how she feels, etc. But the moment I want to talk about my day or something like that I am bombarded with questions which leads to judgment, making what I said into some sort of issue, or ignoring what I said. The best is when she actually acts interested in something and then after I get a word or two out she just changes topic and focuses on something else, and then MAY act of interest but you can tell it is very fake and she is only doing it to "act nice" and probably to clear her own conscience.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. You are not alone here, a lot of folks here struggle with the same sorts of behaviors from their families. How long have you been living with your mom recently?

As far as being able to move out, I don't know if you have any funds at all, but if you do and it's just not enough for an apartment, I want you to know it is possible to live out of a vehicle (assuming you have one) and thrive, even with a pet. I do so by choice. Googling the term 'vandwelling' will get you a lot of information. It's not for everyone, but I want you to know it's an option.

Allow me to put on my parent hat here ( as I did in the other thread you posted).

I do recall at your age being very hurt and confused by my mother's behavior and the things she said to me. She has severe BPD and like many children of BPD parents, we could probably write a script for a movie or TV show that others would be astounded by.

But in the long run, we want to have happy lives and be functional adults. How to achieve that can be a challenge. Dysfunction can be inter generational as you have in your family. Yet, it doesn't need to be your destiny.

Your challenge is to attain adulthood in a place where there may be no adults. This starts by taking on ( and working towards) the responsibilities of adulthood. Primarily financial independence. If you can not do this immediately, take steps- finish school, internships, job fairs, saving money in the bank. Counseling is available at many colleges, and also women's centers. Some women's centers in communities help women get back on their feet after a relationship or those in abusive relationships. They may have resources- counseling, workshops, etc to help women like you as well.

As I said in my other posts, if you are in school, make that your #1 job. You may not feel like you are having the college experience some peers are. Well, they are not in your shoes either. However, doing well in school, making use of the counseling center ( both career and personal) and taking steps to a degree that will get you a job is (IMHO) a main gateway to being independent of a dysfunctional family.

Also the cat. I get it. I love animals. Now that cat is here, the well being of that cat is important. However, in the future, consider this. Until you are able to be completely independent, you can not be fully responsible for another living creature- that creature would then be dependent on whoever you are dependent on too. If you have a parent who tends to be controlling, they will do so with what they can control as well. This includes the cat. My mother did this-not with a cat but with other things.  She would take my favorite toy, or withhold money. The reason for this is probably a fear of abandonment. This isn't to say you did anything wrong by getting a cat, just something to think about for the future if you are considering a pet.  I love cats, and I understand wanting one! but in the future, it may be best to not put something you love in the hands of your mother, and not to take on the responsibility for that until you are on your own.