BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone

I'm sitting here in a FOG, but it is lifting

My thoughts?

Why do we allow these sick people matter?

Why take mentally ill people's opinions seriously?

Why did we put up with mentally ill people for more than 5 minutes?

Why base our self esteem on mentally ill people?

Why give mentally ill people more power than ourselves?

I know I had a very low opinion of myself at the time but that is in the past, my exgf never respected me because she didn't respect herself.

She treated me badly because she hated herself.

She is mentally ill, I am not.

My life is better, I can change, I have changed, I will continue to grow.

Trying to understand crazy is in itself crazy.

I do not understand many things yet they do not bother me nor interest me.

I drive a car, I know when it's functioning but have no interest in being a mechanic so I pay someone who is a mechanic to fix it.

I cannot understand nor fix my broken exgf, nor should my interest lie there.

All I need to know is she is broken, I'm not responsible for her being broken or responsible for fixing her.

I couldn't fix her because I'm not qualified.

End of story.

My son needs me, I need me

Beginning of the new story.

What will always make my head spin is that I had no idea of BPD when I entered the relationship.  The red-flag that were there were so subtle I didn't pick up on them.  Six months in was when the confusion started due to the contradictions.  I stayed because I couldn't work out what was happening (among other things), nothing made sense, and I was in a complete daze.

I think the worst part about BPD is that the bad behavior doesn't come out until we trigger them, and usually by then we are in deep.  I know had I have triggered mine very early on then I would have been out of there in a shot :) 

For me it's because stigma only adds to drama.

Thanks Busygall

That is true, it's so strange.

Am I being hard on myself? I feel like I lose touch with reality when I peek into her behaviours. And then blame myself because I have no one else to blame, she was never there.  A creepy sick nightmare or a game

I like what you wrote, Jerry. 

What drives me to feeling crazy, other than losing so many years, is the fact I had a nagging feeling something was wrong, was off, and yet I continued.

Now to figure out why and to get to that end indifferent positive result feels more difficult.

Oh well, focus on myself and my recovery.

My pastor told me today, you will never figure her out.

She will go on and on over and over hurting people who don't know better

No wonder the 2 times she overdosed in my place no one from her family showed up, they knew, they know, they let go a long time ago

You've been on one hell of a ride, Jerry.  Be kind to yourself.  There will be so many ups and downs as you work your way through this.  You will go through blaming yourself (which you shouldn't) and all sorts of other emotions.  It's so tough.  But you know what?  It's normal when we come out of these relationships.  

It is an absolute nightmare working through it.  After the end of my relationship I turned detective lol  I searched the interwebz for anything relating to my ex and what I found truly shocked me.  There were all sorts of fake accounts, pretending to be someone else.  It was real life CATFISH.  Broke my heart in a million pieces to see the dark side of BPD.  To me: it's dark.  To the pwBPD: it's survival.  The person I loved so deeply was now a monster in my eyes.  I felt like I was a character in a movie because surely to God this doesn't happen in real life?  Well it does.  Completely heart wrenching, and I will never really fully understand that side of them.  Finding this out gave me nightmares for a time, then they stopped, only to start up again a couple of months ago.  I worked through it and they stopped again, thank goodness.

There is life on the other side for all of us.  Stay strong Jerry

Thank you busygall

Last night I had a dream I killed my exgf, I did it because she hurt me but also to save others. Not sure what triggered the dream, someone said something. Been on the defence for years, tried to run away but I just kept believing things would change.

She's actively trying to make my life hell, for? Saving her life? Maybe she really wishes she was dead and I stopped her from accomplishing it? I would hate myself too if someone gave everything I gave her only to vomit my love back at me

Our son saved her life, I saved my son from her killing them both and I'm a rapest? Yeah I would hate myself if I were her. Adds up now. She can't be the hero, she never did anything to improve my life because she tried to knock me down and I found the strength to not only get up, but walk right out of her hell.

For that she will always hate me, like that evil black thing I posted about the Star Trek episode. I left her in her misery, she knew I couldn't save her, she knew I would leave.

Like everyone does eventually, no wonder she's scared to death.

She pushes the biggest hearts away

Then cries because they leave

Now I get it

Her sister in law said my exgfs relationships lasted as long as she wanted them too.

Yep

Yeah she is riddled with shame.  They are so damaged yet rarely do they do anything to help themselves.  Such a tragic disorder.

Be proud of all you did for her Jerry.  You tried, but the disorder won, it always will.

I buried my father to alcohol

My mother to lung cancer

I will allow the death of my exgf as well

I am not God

Thank you so much busygall

I am proud of saving her and giving her my child, no one else would so I stepped up. I like living in the real world, I mean the only world

What just tripped me out is the fact my ex might not even exist right now. As in the personality of her *poof* gone could be a completely different person! whatever her new BF is like. That person who shared The last 3 1/2 years on planet earth with me might be gone forever.

Today I understand how this loss is like a death.

When I think of the universe and how old it is and how far away the stars are... .my brain struggles to handle thoughts of that magnitude, it's exactly the same with BPD... .

It is like a death.  The only thing is that they now are the WALKING DEAD.

I've seen the new personality in the pwBPD and it rattled me to my core.  The difference in what they like is mind blowing.  Things they hated before, now love.

It's hurtful to see the change, which is another reason why I'm committed to staying on course with NC.  I won't allow myself to go back there should I be contacted again.

... .I dunno ... ! Maybe we're mentally ill ... !

I've thought about it... .and rejected the idea  :)

It's like moving from one personality to the next for them, I feel. Mirroring helps to create the "new" personality. They take on the characteristics of the new person they are involved with. What I have found: the relationship is built on a false foundation. The person you think you are getting involved with isn't that person at all. I know this is cliche but it like a castle made of sand. With every tide, more sand gets washed away. Once the foundation becomes exposed, lies are placed on top of more lies for damage control and to maintain the facade. But it's futile. A "non" individual will begin to see with more clarity. Any relationship in the cycle will self-destruct over time. You begin to realize the person standing in front of you really isn't the person you thought they were/portrayed themselves to be. It will either be a slow death or a quick one. They aren't there. The person was never really "there". Now what you see is a transformation into the next persona. A transformation into a projection/a hologram. The person you thought you knew is gone.

One idea that I held onto for a long time: she is in there... .her actual self is trapped inside of her. If only I helped more, did something more, gave her more stuff, took care of things more then she would have the chance to break through and reveal what I thought I could see imprisoned inside of her. Only the truth can set you free.

Until they are truthful with themselves and those they bring into their lives then the cycle will continue NO MATTER WHO IT IS. 

Thank you Concerns

I agree with you, my exgf loved me in so many ways she wrote love letters describing it, 100 reasons I love you.

Then days later putting me down for little things that made no sense, you always have it too cold/warm in here, you snore too loud, your not doing this or that right. Comparing me to her ex husband, lifting him up and putting me down, just sick awful things to do or say to the person you love.

I took these slights as they piled up higher and higher until I reached a point of HOLD ON BABY! Confront her and then I was too sensitive?

Soo you love me, but everything I do bothers you? Everything I own isn't good enough? The food I buy and give you to eat isn't up to your standards?

Why are you here with me? And the letter you wrote?

Who are you and what have you done with my gf?

Yeah it is baffling to say the least, Concerns

"Trying to understand crazy is in itself crazy." JerryRG you are brilliant! Yes, we can understand the narrative of BPD. We can try to make sense of it, at least in as far as we can see the behaviours which will kill us. We can gain enough strength to break free. But we can never, ever truly get what goes on inside a BPD. Because to fully get it we would have to be BPD ourselves.

Keep on keeping on Jerry. You are going to be just fine.  , khib

Thank you khibomsis

Your kind words of support mean a lot to me.  

Just finished meeting with my councekor, are reading a codependency book together. She's very kind and supportive and honest. When reading the book I'm embarrassed a little but I grew up in this so it's what I learned and with hard work and practice I can unlearn it.

A friend in AA yold me a few months ago, "when we find ourselves in hell, keep walking, eventually we get out" the point is if we do nothing we get nothing.

Hope you all are having a wonderful day, the sun is shining here after a week of rains, blossoms are exploding in beautiful colors filling the air with fragrant smells of spring.

Oh and no bugs! Yet :)

one day at a time Jerry. No other way to do it :) Glad you are enjoying the sunshine  .khib

In the majority of cases, personality disorders develop because of abuse, neglect, or other childhood trauma. Maybe your ex's family didn't veer away from her when she overdosed because of the way she acts. Maybe she acts that way because she never had a nurturing family background. (This is not to say that her parents were bad people - someone can be very well intentioned but still have bad parenting skills and create a poor home life for a child.)

I am not saying this to make you feel sorry for your ex. I think now your focus needs to be on self-compassion, and continuing to beat yourself up for not getting out of the relationship sooner won't help you with that. We all stayed for a variety of reasons, some well intentioned, others not. What matters is that we got out in the end.