BPDFamily.com

Hey all,

I'm a 27-year-old dude living in Los Angeles and working as a software engineer and startup cofounder. My girlfriend, with whom I've lived for about two and a half years and who I love very much, is 26 and is engaged in similar pursuits.

I'm here because my girlfriend exhibits some BPD traits and it's caused problems in our relationship. I'm sure you're familiar with the behaviors: paranoia and considerable difficulty trusting, accusations, lying, and raging. It's been the source of a lot of pain for both of us, and I've considered leaving her due to some of the worse interactions involved.

At worst, she will scream at me, call me names like "psycho" and "piece of s**t", curse at me, demonize me over mistakes from the past, and just generally act seemingly without regard for my rights or feelings. Historically, I have done plenty of firing back (and plenty of damage) with shouting and name-calling of my own, though lately I've been much better about keeping calm during these interactions. When she is not acutely angry, I often feel like I have to do the classic eggshell walk in order to keep from upsetting her.

But! When she is not emotionally dysregulated, things are generally much, much better than all that, and there's a lot of love, admiration, and respect in our relationship. We've been through a lot together and, since we really like hanging out with one another and we enjoy many of the same things, we spend most of our time together. We would like to get married at some point but feel stupid even talking about it when we still have blowups like the kind I've described.

We are going to see a relationship counselor with whom we've been to an introductory session and who we really liked. Our first real session is this Thursday.

I'm here to learn from other members, help in whatever way I can, and ultimately to grow. I've made a lot of progress in controlling my emotions and reactions and hope to make much more.

So... .hi! Nice to meet you. And thanks for listening :)

Hey,

Thanks for sharing. Why don't you send her to do CBT?

I agree that CBT or DBT would probably be helpful but there is only so much I can do to encourage her in that direction. Perhaps the counselor we are seeing can help with that.

Funnily enough, she just "broke up" with me about an hour ago, took my key to her apartment, where I've been living for several months, and stormed off.

She just sent me a video of her talking calmly about her feelings. I think things are going to be okay. She really is such a beautiful person.

Yup, that sounds about right. If I had a dollar for every time my wife said the words "my feelings", I could take a very nice vacation.

hey twn 

i remember the storming off "break ups". i did plenty of them myself 

if you dont mind sharing, what were some of the feelings she discussed? anything you can validate?

You cant send anybody anywhere, if she needs therapy she has to want it and take herself.

Crazychuck

What we advise here is educate yourself about the full dynamics, and in particular your own role in it. There is a limit to what you can do, and the first part is about not making things worse and not taking on more damage than you need.

Your partner lacks stability, it is your role to provide it

It is a good idea to work your way through though these;

LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206)

They help put things in a logical order.

Join in discussions as much as possible helping others is the best way of helping ourselves.

waverider