BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I have to say that recently I'm doing great about the break up with my ex BPD gf (8 months ago / almost 4 months N/C). I have started to date again and even if the girls I met are not making me feel so in love there's a lot of positive stuff going on! I'm going to the gym 4 to 5 times a week and I'm in a really great shape... .Also I met some new friends trough the gym. Yesterday, I saw on FB that my ex BPD is pregnant. Until now, even if she was in a r/s with the rebound, no couple picture on FB... .nothing... .and BANG! yesterday she put some romantic pics of them AND with the announcement that she is pregnant!

Honnestly, I felt a bit frustrated! When we were a couple I have always refused to build a family with her... .I have my own daughter of 6 yo and she knew my opinon about having another baby from the very start of our r/s... .at the end (after lying, cheating, crying, harassment... .) she said that her behaviour was the result of my non desire of having a kid. I think I feel a kind of rage because she is not failing, she is able to obtain what she want. She has a great job, EVEREYBODY thinks she is an angel, everybody loves her (except all her exs bf), she wanted a baby/she got it! You know she never fail even if she's bad, manipulative and very hypocrite and 2 faced. Also, my self-esteem has taken a jab. That guy (a Young pot smoker with no class) is able to keep staying with her. There was a 9 years age gap between us (me older)... .she always complaining about my life style (too relax)? Sometimes I feel I was dull or boring... .my social network was more limited (less friends, less party)... that I was just a single dad... .Anyways, all that make me think again about my faults or what could have been done... .How can I diminish that rage and desire to see her fail... .the fact that I compare myself to my replacement... .did it happen only because I did'nt want a baby from her?... .Recently I feel alot better but since I know she is pregnant and I have seen them in love on those pics I made a few steps back  My logic is telling me it is pure illusion and that she did the same thing to me, same pattern... .maybe I just dodged a bullet? but my heart is still suffering. Advice, comments... .thanks in advance!

Assuming she is diagnosed BPD... .then yes, you truly dodged a bullet; she trapped her new fiancee :D

I agree.  Bullet dodged.  Classic BPD behavior is to trap their replacement.  Maybe he started to get the idea that she had issues.  They will trap by getting married or pregnant if that does not work. 

You should block her on fb. I did and therefore am not tempted to see what she is up to. Leave them to it... .just feel relieved that you don't have to put up with the craziness anymore. She's someone else's problem now.

I totally understand... .remember, my husbands gf was pregnant pretty quick into their affair as well. Who know who trapped who     try and not get yourself all worked up over it. I am older than my husband too. Age doesn't matter. They will use you for all you can give them and then when they have used you up or are bored, they will move on. We have the capacity to relax and be quiet. I love that about me... .I think as you get older you realize it's the simple things that are nice. Our exes have picked losers to be with... .so be it. We were and are too good for them anyway! Glad you are dating. Wish I was ready. Just be careful! If you meet someone who is everything you ever dreamed of... .run!

So basically you were doing good until you found out she does not seem unhappy or failing at life and now:

- you are angry she is not an unhappy failure

- you are jealous she is with someone who is younger than you and seems to be more 'hip and happening'

- you are jealous they seem to be able to stick it out together

- you are wondering if your relationship with her only failed because of her wanting a baby and you not wanting one

Been there, done that. Slightly different circumstances but I get the initial feeling of anger. I got passed it pretty quick.

- I was angry when I found out my ex -after being in a narcisstic collapse apparently managed to drag himself out- had found this great new job. I was furious. I could handle things a lot better as long as I could think of him as this pathetic depressed alcoholic. But then I realized he still is. He just temporarily dusted himself off. He will fail at this job too because he always does. Just a matter of time. And later I figured out he probably lied about how great this job is anyway. But more importantly, my ex, your ex, still BPD. Still unhappy on the inside. Always will be. But FB is choreographed. She is not going to post on there she lied, cheated, had scary thoughts, feels empty, can't stop the vortex of feelings inside. Do not fall for the choreographed social media look. She is not happy.

And a baby does not make her a succes either. Because this baby is no more going to be her saviour than any man will. Of every man in her life she has thought he would be THE ONE. The one who would take away her pain. Who would solve it all. Her saviour. You, the new guy, all the exes in the past. And the baby always had that role too; someone to love her, someone that will never leave. But the baby will have a will of it's own. Cry more than she expected. Rob her of her sleep. She might get what she wants as you see it but is that something to be jealous about? Because she will not make a good mother; no pwBPD does. And this child will not grow up happy and will have a bigger chance to develop a PD themselves or end up in a relationship with one. The next generation. Sigh... That is nothing to be jealous of... .

- you are jealous she is with someone who is younger and who seems more 'hip and happening'.

Getting older is not easy but it happens anyway. And there will always be people that are younger than you. More hip. Or whatever you feel insecure about: richer, skinnier, smarter, and so on. It means you need to work on your self esteem. Because if you are in another relationship you will compare yourself again if you think your woman is looking at another man.

It is obvious you are jealous as you are emphasizing he is a pot smoker without class. It doesn't matter who he is. It means you are hurt you are replaced. You would also be jealous if she was with George Clooney (not younger, class) or a middle aged accountant. You would prefer her to be alone for ever and ever. That is not going to happen...

- you are jealous they seem to be able to stick it out.

Please... .they have been together for 7 months... .That is hardly a long term relationship... .Besides you are not there when she lies to him, screams at him, when he smokes some more pot to get away from the drama; you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. Everything that happened to you will happen to him. It's just a matter of time. And he is bound to her for life... .

- you are wondering if the only reason your relationship failed was the baby issue.

Obviously not. Your lifestyles were not compatible from what you describe, and wanting a baby is a reason to break up but not a reason to lie, cheat, harass, etcetera. That behaviour sounds as BPD. So your relationship failed due to behavioural components, abuse and incompatibility.


I understand your frustration of the world seeing her as this charming person and being one of the very few that has seen the person behind the mask. I still feel that too. But I know in time more people will see. He will move environment as always. Meanwhile I'm not going to lose any more sleep or energy over the fact he can charm the pants off of people; he's not worth it.

I would look at yourself and your healing if I were you; you thought you were doing great. But if you were really doing great and were detached from your ex it would not have mattered to you that you had been replaced as you were dating too and you would not have had this need for her to be an unhappy failure.

Hello tribalmart

Like WoundedBiBi said, I have a baby with my exgf and she has made my life hell since our son was conceived, he's 2 now. I cannot walk away and now she's smearing me saying I raped her when in reality I saved her life many times. She's now saying she's going to make my life a living hell.

You dodged 2 bullets, having a child with her is a nightmare and she's going to hurt him and use him to hurt me far into my future.

I hope this helps

Sorry to hear you are feeling down tribal.    My exBPD was engaged and pregnant just a couple months after the apocolyptic ending.    The new guy is several years younger than her and has no clue.     During our relationship she was always saying how she loved me being older, wiser, more laid back... .and in the whatever of an ending used that against me saying I didnt like to go alot of places , ie to disney any given week lol.

    I know that right now it may not Feel like it, but you should be thankful.    Many many times I could have wound up having a kid with her but that little voice deep down kept tapping me on the shoulder asking me what the hell am I doing.   If you are really honest with yourself that little voice in you may have been saying something similar?   

    Forget about any pictures or posts  that scream out for attention, you were doing well before just keep the focus on you.   

I was together with my BPDxw for 20 years. She was 16 when we met. I said early on that I didn't want kids so she knew this. When she reached her early 30s she was upfront about not accepting being childless. I told her that she had the option to leave. This was a mistake. I should have told her to leave. She used this "option" to repeatedly threaten to leave me only to "decide" to stay shortly afterwards. I was never asked if I was interested in having her staying. Eventually I gave in because I couldn't take the emotional turmoil of recurring break-up threats. Every time she wanted to "have a talk" to discuss this again was like a fake execution to me. I did anything to avoid that.

We had a baby. This did not make her happy. She was sweet as a lamb all through the pregnancy (which is remarkable come to think of it) but just in time for her first menstruation she became super critical of me once again and so she remained. Then she cheated on me. I became suicidal and as a reaction to that my BPDxw became semi-psychotic (this is actually when she had her BPD diagnosis). I was stuck taking care of the baby more or less 100% while my xw became abusive and non-functioning as a mother. I couldn't leave her because I feared she would get 50% custody while in a very bad condition. After a couple of years she left me.

The thing with pwBPD is that they don't care who you are really. My xw loved her wedding photos and the photos of her pregnant. She knew that I wasn't happy and didn't particularly care for me, but she was just happy to get to those pie in the sky childhood dreams of hers.

Just think of it. The empathy impairment. My xw got into fights with our daughter who wasn't even three years old. Just as soon as our daughter could talk my xw demanded her to say "I'm sorry" to mommy. My xw locked herself in the bathroom because she felt threatened by our toddler. Our daughter was constantly being told that she was annoying, disturbing things and making mommys life difficult. My xw wanted me to "take her side" when she got into fights with our three year old. She set up non age-appropriate activities for our daughter and when she couldn't handle it she just shouted at her "Look, now you've destroyed everything! We were going to have a good time and you just destroy all the fun! Now look what you've done!". Our daughter was three at the time. I had to take my xw into another room and tell her that if she ever does that to our daughter again I would have to take action because it's just unacceptable.

It came to a point where I didn't care what happened to my xw or what happened to her, as long as she kept away from our daughter.

After my xw left me I realized that my unwillingness to have a baby came mostly from the fact that I didn't trust my xw. All the fears I had came true. She had trouble being a parent and then blamed me. I knew it all along. Plus I didn't really love her. It was the classic narc love.

My current girlfriend doesn't want to have kids (and she is in her early 40s anyway) but just the idea to have a baby with someone I love like that makes me all warm inside. I wouldn't hesitate actually. But with my xw I knew there was something wrong. It was gut feeling. Trust you're gut feeling + be lucky you don't have to go through the hell I did.

I understand it if you're now thinking "It could have been me" and I know that feeling all so well. When my xw threatened to leave it hurt so much because I imagined she would find a replacement and have a baby immediately, just throwing our 15 years together down the bin. Even though there is nothing I love more than my daughter, I still wish I had threw my xw out when the threats and ultimatums started.

Thank you everyone for a such support. Your testimonial are so much appreciated! I know that I dodged the bullet (logical tought) but there is something in my heart that remember the angel side of my ex. I think that is what im jealous of... .that someone else can benefit from that wonderful moments she can create by being so "perfect"... .momenterly. I truly believe that the good side will never be good enough to make someone forget the bad side (lying, manipulation, cheating, crisis, harasment and lack of empathy). Now I have to accept that a my next r/s will probably be more quiet... .those high that only BPD sufferer are able to create are damn good (like a drug)but with them come the low. My mind set is good, my tought are clearer than ever... .I think my healing process is on the good way. Learning that she is pregnant made me feel weird, confused and jealous at a minor level... .nothing compared with all I ve been trough in the last year.