BPDFamily.com

Hey there guys... .

My husband and I have been together 12 years. He left the house about 2 week ago because in ultimatum was given to get better or leave. He left and has now told everyone that I kicked him out and that he would come home if I let him. Is this his BPD trying to trick me and other people? because i have never kicked him out no matter how bad things got. Do I take him back? I do want him to come home because I am dedicated to help him but how do I know it is true? Any advice would be extremely helpful.

Thank you

Hi confusedpartner,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that. 12 years is a long time. I would feel annoyed and frustrated if I had to give my partner an ultimatum. Some experts say that BPD is a shamed based disorder, I would wager that he probably feels ashamed for angrily leaving, that is why he is saying that he was kicked out. It sounds like he wants to come home. Do you have children?

Hi confusedpartner,

I wanted to join Mutt in welcoming you to the site.

It's common in high-conflict relationships for ultimatums because often we take the abuse for a long time and then hit a point where enough is enough. He says he was kicked out because it holds intact the narrative that he is the victim.

People with BPD don't have good boundaries, and we often have weak ones or develop weak ones over time in the relationship, so an ultimatum is often the last resort after a long time of messy boundaries, neither party being consistent. For us, we often appease instead of assert boundaries and end up with boot prints all over our back. It's hard work.

It's better to pay attention to what he does instead of what he says. Often with BPD sufferers, what he feels, he feels in that moment. Feelings are likely to change.

Was there anything specific to the ultimatum?

I'm in my own personal hell right now so I'm not really in a place to give advice so much as support.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

I highlighted what LNL wrote because it resonated with me and appears to be germane to you:  I'd finally had my limit and said in no uncertain terms that I couldn't continue living in the marriage as-was configured, which shortly thereafter led to my spouse leaving.  But, as my T tells me, let's say she were to decide to come back.  Then what?  If she's no different are you going to put up with the same treatment for the rest of your life? 

I have to remind myself all the time that I was terribly unhappy, and that even were my spouse to return, I can't guarantee we wouldn't wind up right back in the same boat for the simple reason that I wasn't willing to put up with it any more.