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I get it, it's about me! My childhood experiences, traumas, disappointments and abuse. Called my insurance company to find a therapist. I don't ever want to fix anybody but myself anymore. I'm positive, caring, loving, kind and deserve to be with somebody likewise. I am here at that place where I truly can blame only myself if I decide to accept any improper treatment as an adult from anybody having all the knowledge I have about myself and personality disorders. No more bullies or any desire to think I can make them become less scared and become kind! It doesn't work! I have been a people pleaser at my own expense my entire life for my own safety net. A learned survival trait from my childhood to avoid physical, mental and emotional abuse from my mother. I needed peace! Learned traits that just flowed into my adulthood without realizing I am no longer that child who needs to protect herself from harmful adults. I'm here, raw and ready to face the music and dance my way through it. I'm having trouble finding help to guide me towards the proper help or workshop or therapy. Im not a computer person so I find a lot of roadblock in my attempts to find info online. Any suggestions or help would be appreciated! It's time to move forward with the adult me who is aware that I don't need these survival modes as an adult! Nobody can hurt me if I don't give them my permission to do that! I can just be me, and I like me!

Hi Rifka,

Some therapists do inner child exercises (whether it's hypnotherapy, guided meditation, etc.) so that might be something to ask potential therapists if they have experience in, if you're interested in doing that.  Your therapist caring for your child may help you learn how to do it yourself.  I hear that you are ready to do the work, but relinquishing those survival strategies may bring up a lot of emotions, including fear and anger, and it helps to have an emotionally attuned other such as a therapist to support you through that process, as well as an opportunity to "test out" new behaviours in relationship (like asking to have your needs met and setting boundaries).

John Bradshaw's book Homecoming describes an inner child process, I don't know if he still runs workshops.

I find that within the conscious dance/contact improv community, there are many adults who are willing to connect with their playful child energy.  Also, I know someone in my city who runs workshops for adults oriented towards creativity and play, it's not "therapy" per se, it's the lighter side of child work, maybe there is someone doing something like that in your area. 

As far as the computer thing, I live in Canada and here, you could go to a public library and get help with computer research skills, or take an adult education course. 

eeks

Thank you Eeks for the response. I'll check into the book and look for classes. I found something in Mexico, but not in New Jersey or some place drivable from here. Yes I have even exploring the emotions, last Saturday, I cried for hours on and off just feeling and embracing the pain and the lack of love of my mother in my life. I forgave her so long ago, although I practice very limited contact for my well being. She can be very cruel and go for the jugular if no boundaries are there. She hates boundaries! I really believed that forgiving was my answer to going forward in a healthy life, but it wasn't enough. My survival mode and need to fix and keep the peace within a romantic relationship exposed that it was not enough to just forgive.its pretty deep tough stuff but as much as it hurts, it's a good hurt because it's peaceful after the pain and it hurts less each time I talk about it and feel and embrace that childhood pain!

Thanks again for responding.

Rifka

Good for you Rifka!  And true, no one can hurt us if we don't give them permission, and if we don't give anyone permission to at least come inside the walls, it can get pretty lonely in there.  Like eeks says, a therapist who can care for, validate, empathize with and show compassion for your inner child can teach you how to do it yourself, and all you may really need is permission.  Sometimes structured environments like that are just what we need, and it's also important, for the other 167 hours in each week, to attend the workshop of life, risking, opening up, being real and vulnerable with people, first because that's who we are and want to, and second, to see what reaction we get.  We're all graduates of borderline school at this point, and if you're like me, sounds like you are, we're saying enough of this sht, let's get real, accept no substitutes.  So coming from that frame and sharing who we are with people, we'll can get good at noticing right away if someone is going to meet us there too, reciprocate, or is going to immediately bust our boundaries, or will be freaked out by our honesty and bail, because of their own stuff and fear around it.  And then, keep the good ones, out with the rest, as we populate our lives with supportive souls, so during those times when we're having trouble self-validating, we can get external validation from folks who genuinely care.  And vice versa.


Yes!  This is good stuff.  You've learned to grieve past hurts, and as you've noticed, it feels better after; those negative emotions are what pain leaving feels like.  That's another key to healing, fully grieving them, the only way out is through, and it's not that bad really right?  Some crying, a little bit of snot running out of our nose, pretty ugly looks on our faces for a few, and the boom!  Of it goes and we're floating on air... .

Why didn't someone tell us that decades ago?  Oh yeah, they did, we just couldn't hear it yet, needed a borderline to make us teachable and open our ears, it takes what it takes... .

Take care of you!  

Thank you from heel to heal for your response. Yes I think your right, I've def graduated borderline school and moved on to the school of learning and exploring me!

I did get a call back about a therapist and have an appointment for June 1st. I'm very much looking forward to it! I've also reached out and contacted my parents. I had a nice 45 minute conversation with my father without my u BPD mom around. It was nice to actually speak to him and have him be able to speak without her pulling the puppet string that says what she wants said. I did get a call back the next day from uBPDm, kept it short and formal and I feel it went well! I'm not that scared child anymore, so it was one of the first times that I have firmly, completely aware, kept my cool and boundaries in check! It was good! I allowed her conversation to go where it ok for me and moved on to other topic that were just her way of digging or pushing the boundaries. It's not allowed or acceptable and phone call will respectfully end!

Life is progressing! It felt great to talk to my father. I feel so bad that he has to live with her craziness, but he's getting older and has just accepted her as a way of his life!i spent most of my teen years being tormented about my choice to live with him if they divorced. It never happened.  I bailed from the psychotic craziness almost 30 years prior and am thrilled to not have to accept such bad behavior any longer.

I'm leaving for a much needed vacation this week to China and Tibet. Thank you again for your straightforwardness. I loved it! Hope you're having a peaceful week!

Rifka