BPDFamily.com

I recieved the paperwork this week that my STBX has filed with the courts. I've been trying to wrap my head around this... .Reading it over and over! Most of it is lies! He wants to modify the whole divorce and separation agreement. He wants me not to file on adultery (even though there were at least 3 women I can verify this past year and a half and remember one is pregnant), claim we have been separated since April (even though he was having sex with me and asking me to take him back in July and August which means the year starts then), he claims he can't afford to pay my alimony because he lost his position yet he now has a job making more money), he claims he lost my benefits when he lost his position in Feb. ( even though they were cancelled when he quit his job two weeks ago), he lied about his income, he wants me to accept lower alimony if any and pay him back for what I got already and he wants me to pay his lawyers fees! He now is in contempt of court for not paying my alimony this month and not supplying my health insurance... .Isn't that just incredibly narcissistic? It seems to me he's even manipulating and lying to his own lawyer. His lawyer didn't seem to know I had filed for divorce on him and found out when he filed this complaint with the courts that there is a divorce date in June. My husband knew a month ago. There's even more, but I won't bore you with the details- this is bad enough! My lawyer said - ridiculous. I just hope she's right. Should I be worried? I can't afford to be without the money, let alone pay him back! He just got a job with big earning potential. Unbelievabl

Blue, step back and take a breath.   It will be okay.

Remember, there is reality and there is BPD world.  The more out of touch and ridiculous his claims get, the better for you.

Understand the perspective... .you're ruminating over it all and greatly distressed while all the professionals are thinking "another day at work".  Yes, it's your life in turmoil and you're stressed that the court may take a while to sort though all the lies.

How slow the court will be is hard to say but if there's a settlement that was made a court order, that is not easily undone.  You have to make sure that your lawyer gets this cleared up in as little time as possible, even if it seems slow to you.

One thing to keep in mind is that his lawyer may try to delay by asking for continuances even though this is their motion.  Maybe they're hoping the current order is set aside while the new claims are handled?  Maybe they're hoping that all these claims will intimidate you into weakening the current order?  You lawyer should oppose that if at all possible.

Understand too that lawyers often give each other professional courtesies.  One is that if a lawyer asks for a continuance then the other agrees.  Your lawyer should oppose continuances since we know in our cases delays are a legal tactic and not really a necessity.  (Eventually the court will get peeved at multiple requests for continuances but our goal is to limit them from the start, knowing what they really are.)

I used to try to figure out what my ex was doing but I came to realize I would never understand it and gave up. I found that simply letting ex make her wild claims only helped my side especially since her allegations/claims made no sense and I had proof that her claims were indeed false.

My ex emptied our house out and a few months later made a claim on the homeowners saying I stole everything and made it look like she did it. The insurance company denied her claim by saying you are not allowed to have a homeowners policy, rob yourself (since we were both on the homeowners policy), and then make a claim. I had to read it three times before I believed what I was reading.

If the court doc you are referring to is the counter claim, don't worry about it. The counter claim will just elicit a yawn from the judge (and lawyers) if you are headed for court. My L told me the judges don't even read them.

Most people who go through a divorce (even low-conflict) divorces are pretty hurt at first and emotions run hot. Family court sees it all the time and expects that there will be a lot of wind in the beginning.

Focus on your goals and objectives and try to ride it out as best you can.

It can feel like we're the victims in all of this. When you start to focus on the solutions, it means you're pivoting from victim to survivor and it only gets better from there.

Even though it's hard to get our heads there, divorce court is more like ending a business. It's about putting together a solid contract, not serving justice. The he-said, she-said stuff barely registers, especially if there are no kids involved. I used to get so jacked up about what the legal docs said that I started to have a friend read them and interpret them for me. This helped me weed out the crap and focus instead on the tactical maneuvers needed to move ahead without nonstop drama.

 When did he receive the divorce complaint? I had filed , but then in my state, the separation starts when the other spouse receives that file complaint. Even though living together .   Also in my state the support is mostly in a seperate dept. and if modification of any support is wanted , then it's filed there.

Dont let him ,or agree to which you won't, change the date of seperation.

It's a little complicated. We did a Separation and maintenance agreement in Jan. of 2015. Basically it was our division of everything and set up the agreement for divorce.  All we had to do was get divorced. He came back around in July and August telling me he wanted to come home and that he loved me, which from time spent overnight, reset the separation date. When he showed up drunk, proceeded to vomit and pee in my bed (on purpose I might add), I made him leave and told him that he had to be sober or I was done. He went back to the gf and promptly got her pregnant. So now he doesn't want to admit we were together and he doesn't want me to file on adultery. I see my lawyer tomorrow.  I am not giving in to him for the fist time ever... .I hope this works out for me as I am very nervous about the whole thing and him making this expensive... .I am worried he doesn't understand all of the costs involved and doesn't care if it costs me money.

It is called Extinction Bursts.  Do a search on that phrase here.  Here's a link: Extinction Bursts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0)  It's an overreaction to you setting a new firm boundary.  Acting-out disordered people get triggered by boundaries and desperately try to sabotage them.


Court will be minimally concerned about the expense.  If you are put under a financial hardship, you could counter file asking that he pay your legal fees and pay for any evaluations.  (Don't ask only for court costs since most courts have very small fees compared to what lawyers and evaluators charge.)

Beware that you may feel intimidated overmuch by this and could be tempted to "gift" him more than he deserves just to get it to go away.  Hold your good boundaries.  (Ask first here in peer support before giving in to any demands.  We've been there, done that.  Take advantage of our collective experiences.)

In the beginning I tried to reason/compromise with my ex. That was a giant waste of time and money because it just extended things longer then needed. Eventually I stopped that and thought about what I believed was best for our two boys and me. I stood firm and I pretty much got everything I was seeking in court. Why, because the courts viewed my requests as reasonable and my ex offered nothing but allegations/drama/and delays.

I went to a mediation years back with ex. It went on for about three hours with no progress. The mediator had us in separate rooms. My ex kept changing her mind. Finally I told the mediator I would agree with everything my ex wanted. The mediator was happy since we had an agreement. Before I went back into the common meeting room I bet the mediator ex would not agree. The mediator looked at me and said,"Why would you say that. You are agreeing to everything she wants." Went into the common room and the mediator explained that I agreed to everything ex wanted. Ex, without hesitating said no. The mediator was stunned and explained to ex that shew was getting everything she was seeking but ex stood firm with her no. I gathered my belongings and said I was leaving since it was a beautiful day and I wasn't wasting it here anymore. We had a court hearing the next day and ex offered everything I was seeking as her idea. I agreed and we were done in less than 20 minutes.

Wow David... .that is amazing... .My lawyer seems to thinks he will eventually give up all together, because she is going to ask for proof that he has not caused his demotion himself and left his job leaving me in a bad position. This is good news... .I am not so sure he will just drop it as you say, they like to create drama, but I am hopeful he doesn't want all his write ups at work exposed and to have to be embarrassed at his job. His new position still requires him to visit his old job, being a rep.  We will see... .I didn't realize his dropping my health insurance like that left a lapse and my new insurance may not cover me for previous conditions... .this is really bad for me. She is going to go over my paperwork and let me know... .He may be in for more trouble than he realizes... .He thinks he can just drop the court orders- he is not responsible at all. He is going to find out it's not that simple... .I certainly am finding out. Interesting that he takes most court orders when it comes to criminal cases seriously, but he is not taking this divorce seriously... .I think he will find out it's not a game.

The mediation was in 2008. In 2010 or 2011 we were in an equitable distribution conference. Ex had her atty write up her response. In it she claimed I had stolen everything in our house back in 2007 (she actually did that and I had solid evidence) and she wanted compensation. She valued our assets at 1.2 million dollars. When I first saw that my atty questioned me about it. I gave him what I thought we had as a fair market value which was under six figures. My atty said he would write a response and I told him I wanted to. He said okay but wanted to see it quickly in case he had to rewrite. He used my response and liked it a lot. I agreed with stbx valuation. I had pictures (about 40) showing that she actually had the things she wrote in her response (she had four handwritten pages of things she claimed I had and I had photos from her new place with over three of the pages). I didn't want any of the things but instead just half in cash. My atty said I wouldn't get the $600,000 but he liked my approach. Her atty was attacking me at the conference and my atty put a stop to that right away. My atty let her atty talk and bury herself. When it was my atty's turn to talk he showed three of the photos and the list her client wrote. He had check marks and pointed out that we had photos for everything that had a check mark. Her atty took stbx out of the room and we settled in about 15 minutes.

Back in 2007/2008 these kinds of things would drive me crazy. By the time equitable distribution came up I was emotionally detached enough that it no longer phased me. We have two children so strict no contact is not possible yet.

Currently I get emails that are real nice for a few days and then it changes back to attacking me and rewriting history with lots of projection. I only reply to emails that pertain to our boys.

Geez, David... .I guess this means just relax and let the attorneys handle it... .It just gets me though, if they start this crap, do they pay their attorneys fees and yours? It just doesn't seem right that anyone can go after anyone for anything!

If you have an attorney that you trust and believe is good you still need to figure out the rules of the game so you know what to give them. My first atty never explained things to me and I was just another client (billable hours) Once I realized that I found another and he was very good at explaining things to me. I asked lots of questions and he had answers that made sense. My new atty tells me what to expect and what he is doing and why. I stopped counting when I went past $70,000. That was back around 2010. Since then it has been fairly quiet as far as court is concerned. Once my ex stopped "winning" she stopped taking me to court. She has threatened me a bunch of times to take me back to court since then, through email, but hasn't filed anything. I rarely respond to those emails.

Do what you feel is right and are convinced is right for you — and right for the children, if there are any.

Trying to reason with someone who wont reason with you and isn't even listening to you won't work.  Logic and reason doesn't with with acting-out disordered people.  Neither will appeasing nor acquiescing to demands and ultimatums.  Being a muddy doormat didn't work when you were together, why would it work now?

Boundaries are good. Boundaries are especially necessary for us.  Accept that you need boundaries especially now to that the Ex's misbehaviors are limited.

Due to your personality (Nice Guy or Nice Gal) you are at risk to not stand up for yourself and your sense of what is right as much as you should.  Understand that.  Adjust for that.  Set good boundaries and let them guide you, protect you.

The logic of court is almost as baffling as being in a BPD relationship. Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? If not, gift yourself a copy and read it several times. Or read through articles on www.highconflictinstitute.com. The answer is yes, anyone can go after anyone for anything. And even if you get sanctions (the judge ordering him to pay), it's only a small amount of the overall cost and then you have to try and get him to pay. Which he won't. So you have to go back to court to get the money. Which will cost you! It goes on and on. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt to show for it. 

Your ex may not be a high conflict person (HCP) which many of the people here on this board are dealing with. He may be BPD and disordered and trying to manage his anxiety with sex and alcohol/drugs, but that doesn't necessarily make him an HCP the way Bill Eddy defines that term.

It sounds to me like his impulse-driven disorder led to one poor choice after another, and now, like a lot of men and women on these boards, he has to clean up the mess and doesn't have enough money to support everyone that the courts say he has to support. He can barely take care of himself much less two women and a baby.

So he is desperately trying to problem-solve with terrible skills and frantic actions.

Take matters into your own hands as much as possible. You are not a victim in this, although I know it can feel that way. Take the strength you had when you told him no more peeing on your bed, no more alcohol, time to pack your things and go and keep applying it to your legal matters. You took the step you needed to take to care for yourself and now going forward it's more of that, over and over.

You'll get through this. And you don't have kids with him, which could turn what you're going through into a pure nightmare no one should have to ever experience.