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So we ended up talking about self esteem. I mentioned mine is quite low and she asked why? I explained I'm dealing with an internet porn addiction I've been aware of for the past few years that has flared up during my devaluation/discard.

Her advice was pretty important so I thought I'd share it. She said unconditional love for yourself is very important. She said its easy to love yourself when everything is perfect but loving yourself during difficult times is a sign of someone who is truly on the path to happiness.

She said that you still need to learn from your mistakes but as long as you learn from them, there is no need to kick yourself while you are on the ground.

Now a some of us here got genuinely duped, I'm not one of those. I ignored flags I didn't even know existed. I paid a heavy price for my mistakes. I see value in myself and I know I'm a good person.

My goal this week is to accept I will probably do dumb things, say dumb things and have moments where I wish I was a better person. I'm going to work on acknowledging yes there are things I want to improve on (addiction/boundaries/self esteem) but I'm going to work hard on loving me, exactly as I am and cutting myself some damn slack if it all gets too hard and I falter.

I think I learned an important lesson today, I think we are all too hard on ourselves here sometimes. Remember our borderlines chose us specifically because they liked what they saw, they saw the good caring person and wanted a part of it too!

Today I truly understand why you have to love yourself before you can love others. Time to get to work.

Excellent advice.

You are right that it is hardest to love ourselves when we are down.  Obsessing over mistakes and internalizing shame just leads to depression and anxiety.  You have to learn to see the past as something you no longer have control over, and focus on the future, where you do have control. 

My ex was a driven perfectionist and could not love himself when he was imperfect.  That was the root of a lot of his relationship problems.  When you really see where that mentality leads in the long run, it's not desirable.  None of us is perfect; we all have to accept our flaws at some point.  If you can't accept your own flaws, and beat yourself up, you will eventually become critical of others in order to make yourself stop feeling such deep shame.  So yes, you can't love others when you are like that.