BPDFamily.com

I am 47 yr. old male planning to be engaged to my 46 yr. old girlfriend w BPD.  Last 2 of the 3 years of our relationship, she has been living 5 hour drive upstate w her 17yr. old son who is Autistic.  I love her and believe we are in love.  Her son and I hit it off from beginning and have great relationship, light years ahead of the never—ending emotional roller—coaster characteristic of the rel.I have been enduring w her.

This site is a Godsend.  95% of our interaction on phone consists of her monologue re: my faults w career BPD woman FOG w all the trimmings.  When I saw the title of the book "I hate you, don't leave me," this week, it was as if it were an oasis in a desert.  I decided long ago I would not quit on her and we 3 have tasted glorious moments, hours, days of wholsome and wonderful good healthy family love and living, but at this point i am drained, exhausted and am asking here for guidance to acquire the skills to help myself cope and not enable her to perpetuate such destructive and disrespectful behavior.  Thanks in advance to anyone who responds... .

Hello,  


I can understand this feeling of being drained and exhausted.  It takes a toll on you mentally, emotionally and physically.  This is something you will have to prepare for.  As good as the glorious moments are, the rest is what makes up the bulk of the relationship.

I recommend you start with learning how to validate and set good boundaries and how to effectively enforce them.  Check out the lessons on the right of this page.  A good place to start the learning process is with the following articles.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

I appreciate the feedback.  I am familiar with the concepts of boundaries and effective communication with difficult or toxic people featured in the articles of this wonderful site.  I have worked in psycho-social rehabilitation field for 7 years but never had a romantic relationship with anyone with BPD.  DBT and my therapist have helped tremendously.  I do note that although the bulk of the relationship with my girlfriend has been burdensome, there has always been progress a la the non-linear principle of recovery.  Lately she allows a dialogue vs. her FOG monologue, and is less combative.  My therapist and supportive family have been correct to advise me to cut the conversation once it becomes toxic for me.  These so-called time-outs I give her, at times for a day or most of the day: "Hon, I will call you later when we can talk calmly... etc." have proven successful.  I also believe she is on the autistic spectrum and I have been reading up on adult autism which is helpful.  Tonight I am just responding gratuitously for the reply and feeling more hopeful.  Thanks all.