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I have been going back and forth with stbx. We have 4 kids together so I think it is pretty important for me to get over this stuff and get to a place where I can be in the same room with him without wanting to puke or punch someone.

At one point in the conversation I said:

"What was so horrible about your life with me and these kids that you couldn't be bothered to put forth a little effort to listen to us and get to know us and take an interest in us? What was so horrible about it all? Living with a pedophile, being jobless, and chasing some chick from college is better and easier and more rewarding than the life you had with us?"

His response was:

"That's the problem... .nothing was horrible... .nothing. My own self-hatred is what's caused all of this."

I am not sure what to think or feel about this. I have been hitting him pretty hard with lots of stuff lately. On one hand, I feel like I am being really mean by calling him out on 18 years worth of crappy behavior. On the other hand, it seems like the meaner I am and the more demanding I am, the nicer he is to me and the kids. I don't like that at all. If that is what it takes to keep him from being a jerk to me and the kids, then that is what I will do. I guess me being mean and nasty is okay because it fits his notion of how he should be treated because he hates himself so much. None of it makes sense to me.

Not sure why I am posting other than to try to continue to process and detach and see if anybody else has had a similar experience.

Vortex,

So sorry that the detach and process season is so filled with tension. I'm there with you, 28 yrs and 4 kids. Not sure what just happened tried to post this and lost all but this sentence

Thanks for the support!

The detaching process is painful. In some ways it feels way better and way more freeing than anything in the relationship did. I think most of the tension stems from me finally opening up and letting myself deal with some of the pain and hurt. It is like I stuffed a whole lot of stuff and kept my mouth shut way too much and now I am finally working up the nerve to deal with it.

Well, letting the anger be felt is probably a good thing.


I understand wanting to know why your H made the choices he did. He had a good thing going and he chose to let that fall apart. Now he is choosing other behaviors and people that don't seem to be good choices.

Some people make really bad choices, but I don't know if we can fully understand why they do. Some do have a self destructive streak, or mental illness, or feel they don't deserve better so they keep reinforcing that belief by making poor choices.

Years ago, there was a youtube sensation- a homeless man who liked to imitate radio announcers. He had an incredible voice. Someone discovered him - got him a haircut, clothes, and a job as an announcer. He looked great and that voice! One would think this was a dream come true for him but he quit and returned to the streets. Why? maybe for reasons nobody else understands, it was comfortable for him.

I once had a friend who left an abusive relationship. She was pretty, smart, funny and some nice guys were interested in her. But she was not interested in them and in time she chose another abusive man. I then realized that although she was an abuse victim, and I don't blame victims - somewhere she didn't believe she deserved better, and that influenced her choices.

Vortex, your H had a wonderful opportunity for a great family life with you and the kids, but somehow, he just didn't choose it. Wondering why makes sense but you may not ever know why he chooses what he did, any more than I will not fully know why the voice man didn't take his wonderful offer or my friend turned down really nice guys for the one she did. Maybe we can't know, but I hope you will come to a place where you can find peace despite your ex's poor choices that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

Vortex,

All of this detaching in so many ways feels like a double edged sword as we try to understand on some level WHY? My children are grown and all of them struggle with why their dad couldn't appreciate the good life he had with us. I am far from perfect but have tried our entire marriage to be the bigger person and am a nurturer and caregiver by nature(co-dependent).

I lost it a few weeks back and asked him why he couldn't appreciate what he had before I filed for divorce. He has been so sweet and caring this past month which rips my heart to shreds because he has been stuck in bitter, angry, silent mode for the past three years at least.

I'm so sorry Vortex  none of this crazy is discernible to us. It just creates a constant mind F, I have decided I'm better without all the games although I love him I can't live like this anymore. I wish for you the very best in your detaching.

Right now, I feel like I have taken a few steps back. I feel like I was doing pretty well. He and I went out with the kids the other night and got a membership to a wholesale place. I feel like I was a bit sideswiped by it. Why the heck is he acting like everything is normal and okay while at the same time telling me about some other chick? It is confusing because the meaner I get and the more I push my truth, the nicer he is. Here I am dumping a bunch of crap on him and he is not only okay with it but seems to be responding in ways that seem so rational and self aware. It is just a big giant mind f***! I need to get back to that place where I felt like I was making forward progress. Right now, I feel like I am flailing a bit.

Vortex,

I know one thing I'm looking at daily is whether my h has actually embarked on or is pursuing any deep and meaningful change such as therapy, accountability of any kind or is he too flailing around in half assed attempts to woo me! They are most likely self preservation moves on his behalf and have little to do with valuing me or knowing my pain for the past 28 years. 

Dial back and really watch without assuming too deeply what he is doing. Still seek your best interest for once.

Oh no, stbx has not done anything to embark on any kind of meaningful change. He is repeating the same patterns that he has been repeating for the last 3 or 4 years. Things don't go his way, chase woman, be a jerk, woman ditches him, he gets all nice and feeds me a line of crap, I get all happy thinking that this time is different, he puts forth just enough effort to keep me all fogged up with no place to go, I get mad and call him on stuff, things aren't going his way, find woman to chase, and on and on it goes. . .

I don't for one second think that this time is any different than any of the others. I don't for one second think that he has a sincere bone in his body. Just last week he was telling me that his latest "victim" is different than all of the other women that he has chased. He said that this woman is the only one worth chasing. . .blah, blah, blah. . .they have a spiritual connection. . .blah, blah, blah.

I got mad and contacted this woman. I didn't have to put forth any effort to find her on FB as he told me all about her. He told me where she lived. He showed me a picture of her at our Easter Celebration and so on and so forth. She was very grateful and gracious that I reached out to her.

I was doing really well at doing the limited contact thing and then I messed up and it set me back and now I am trying to regain my footing. What the heck was I thinking?

You gotta love yourself, you were probably thinking how much you really want him to authentically pursue you, that you want him to be nice because you are worth it. You are probably thinking like any of us who have weathered much. I love this man and have four children with him, that's worth a lot right? Well, to one of you it is. You will get stronger Vortex, I know it!