BPDFamily.com

Hello.

My BPDgf finished with me a few wks ago. Its been up and down since. Last night she was lovely. We sat on sofa and talked til the early hours. I had been ok, not letting it get to me but today i feel my resolve slipping. I can feel the longing coming back, the love i still have for her. This is hard.

It is hard. I understand.

What was the nature of the conversation?

What is it that you feel resolved to do for yourself?

Hi livenlearned.

it all got confusing. She said we had separated etc then came home happy talking about how she'd booked leave for my birthday. We always go on holiday for my birthday. She was really happy. Then ties night we sat up taljing amd laughing. Lovely e ening. Today ive decided again i dont need her lies anymore. She's definitely seeing someone else, wether thats cause he's giving her attention etc amd its the risk thrill i dont know. Im very sad its over but ive decided as i do everything at home, cook, clean sort kids out etc managing that myself isnt a big leap. Ive just got to get ysed to the loneliness.

Does she understand what your boundaries are?

You two have a lot of history. Is it possible that she has learned you will appease and support her no matter what? People with BPD tend to be impulse-driven and their feelings = facts, to help understand the changeability. It's a compulsion to get needs met and to manage the anxiety, and most likely (based on what you've shared) if she could get these needs met without hurting you, she would. Hidden agendas are often part of a person's BPD world because there is so much shame, so much hiding, and no clear idea that it could be otherwise because the tradeoffs are so painful

She is now getting needs met in a way that violates a boundary for you. How aware of that boundary is she? Has she ever felt one of your boundaries before? Not just telling her to stop something, but having a real "no" about something she is doing?