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I work with my ecBPDgf, and I made the mistake (again!) of having a 2 hour conversation in the parking lot with her after work. The gist of it being that I'm terrible, and never loved her. By her accounts I'm also a cheater and a liar. Felt like a major devaluation. Clincher was that I was also used as a triangulation tool. As soon as her ''friend'' walked to her car and saw us, she ended the conversation.

She wanted to know if I was still interested in her, and if I was, I either change and accept her as she is, or let her go.

FElt like such an idiot driving home. It also kept me a wake for most of the night. This morning I spoke to her and said that I chose to let her go, after asking her why she would consider being with me if the monster she painted me out to be?

She started crying (seen that before many times). She also said she can't control her actions. Later on she came and see me again, and she says It's hard to feel rejected when her parents were never there for her in early childhood. This shocked me, she seemed sincere, and aware for the first time since I've know her.

I'm wondering if this was another ploy to reel me in, or was she admitting she needs help?

That was sincere; actually, bad parenting is one of the recurrent causes behind BPD.

However, that doesn't change the fact that managing a BPD relationship is extremely stressful in the long run, and you know you will be subject to a plethora of unacceptable actions from her side.

Typical BPD conversation. It really is as pwBPD view SO or exes often; we turned out not to have been able to stop their pain, that means we were not THE ONE after all that means we must have never really loved them that means we tricked them into believing we did so we must be terrible. That kind of logic. And yes, it feels like a major devaluation. I remember it well.

What do you mean with triangulation tool in this context? I wouldn't want to have a private conversation with a third party there either. Seems logical to end the conversation.


Although I don't believe in unconditional love between adult partners I do think what we all want in life is to be accepted for who we are so in itself it is no such a strange request from her to you. And it is said that radical acceptance is the only way a relationship with a pwBPD can work providing you are incredibly strong and have good boundaries and so on. But of course from your point of view this is an impossible request as you want to be accepted for who you are as well and want to have your needs met too. So letting go is the only option left.


Apparently you weren't ready to give up yet.

There wasn't any other choice left than that if you want any of your needs met too.

She can't explain that to you; it isn't logical. But it is the same as you can't explain to someone who has never been in a relationship with a pwBPD why it is so hard to let go. That isn't logical either...


People cry when they get emotional. Whether they have BPD or not. Nothing wrong with crying.


She was being honest. She has some insight at least. She knows she cannot control her actions (or feelings, or words). She knows dealing with rejection for her is hard because of her past. That doesn't seem like a ploy nor admitting she needs help. It just shows a level of awareness that she has an issue. That's it.

Rayban... .Personally, I don't think you should even engage her in converstaion, although this must be very difficult if you work alongside her.

Like you, and everybody else who's ever been enchanted (intoxicated) by a pwBPD for a significant length of time, I was 'hollowed out' by her undermining remarks, demeaning words, infantilizing behaviour and ongoing abuse... .I was portrayed as an uncaring, unloving and unlovable, inattentive, thoughtless, self-centred  and emotionally barren  A hole. Once you start with the self doubt, you're on a hiding to nothing... .

Remember: don't try to rationalize her behaviour by 'normal' standards... .she may well be trying to admit that she needs help, but by the same token, I think she's maybe just sounding you out to see if there's any capital to be made by maintaining a connection with you... .trust me, as soon as she finds a 'supply' from elsewhere, you'll be out of the frame.

And guess what... .you'll be portrayed as the monster all over again when she spouts her BS to the next victim... .

I appreciate that pwBPD use this forum, and I apologize if my sentiments offend those diagnosed with this condition, but I'm a month out of a very destructive two year relationship, and right now I'm going through an angry phase.

Wake up and smell the coffee Rayban... .she needs help, irrespective of whether she's admitting it to you or not... .sincerity shouldn't be conditional... .walk away... .don't engage... .for your own sake

What Jhon83 says is sadly, but absolutely, true.

My exgf constantly undermined my self-esteem towards the final months of our 1,5 years relationship, so much that I was completely exhausted by her fights. In the aftermath she behaved even worse, so much that at some point NC became a total necessity.

Hello Fr4nz

Mine did this too, I didn't know at the time she was just miserable and taking her problems and dumping them on me. She was never happy with herself and beat me up for it. She pretends to be happy now with a new guy but I know her and it's only a matter of time before she starts hurting him. He thinks and says the exact same things I did when I was with her. How wonderful she is and how much potential she has, I seen this too but nothing helps her.

Only a matter of time before the mask falls off... .

Crazy before, crazy during and crazy ever after... .

There's a big part of me that wants to 'expose' her to associates and mutual friends who know her superficially, but here's the rub... .she's so convincing and convivial on the surface, few, if any, would believe me. Such are the ways in which the 'control' continues, even after the break up, but I realize this is me torturing myself.

A lot of pwBPD hide it well. Are seen by others that are less close than SOs as charming and fun. Trying to expose her to associates and friends will probably only make them see you as a vindictive ex. If not the crazy one of the two...

But I so get your 'fantasy' of doing this; I have thought of it many times in all kind of scenarios.

Wow, several behaviours are SO common across different BPDs... .that's really impressive.

I can relate... .but it's useless, you risk to be seen as the crazy ex.

However, BPDs are very effective in destroying themselves over time: failed relationships, failed jobs, failed friendships, horrible relationships with their family of origin, and so on. Add to this all the symptoms of BPD, and you have a personal hell.

There's really no need to have your personal vendetta.

Be the bigger person. When somebody asks, say something of the effect of, "I don't want to create drama for her or for me." That's what I did and it worked.

Hi Rayban,


I think that she wants rescue,  she's likely not conscious that she wants to be rescued like many pwBPD.

"I think that she wants rescue,  she's likely not conscious that she wants to be rescued like many pwBPD."

Yes... .she is projecting and triangulating. I would stick with reminding her that she thought you were a terrible person and why would she want that. She will read that as you thinking she is a terrible person. My husband and I always had these backward conversations. I would be talking about myself but really meaning him and he would do the same. We knew what we were doing (I think, lol) ... .Just get things twisted up and be confusing. They end up looking at you like a dog with their head tilted... .huh?  This is how the whole relationship will be if you continue... .she is playing the victim. You are supposed to rescue her. Play dumb. It's frustrating for them to try and dump stuff on you and you don't feed into it. Ultimately they will find someone willing to play it their way. Just be careful to not be alone with her while she is crying. Particularly if you are at work... .who knows what she could accuse you of.

The Spinners summed it up quite nicely :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lJdaFOpcuo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lJdaFOpcuo)

Throughout our relationship, she was like a dog with a stick during an 'argument'... .she simply couldn't admit to being in the wrong, or accepting that her feelings may not be based in fact. She was always right, regardless!  She'd twist the conversation and context around so much so that after a while, I would actually feel dizzy... .throwing in verbatim quotes from conversations we'd had months previously to back up her 'evidence' of all the ways I let her down... .arguing with someone who has zero objectivity is hard going to say the least.

The only time I ever had her stumped was the day I broke up with her... .I told her that "I no longer wish to be responsible for all her suffering"    the silence was palpable

Had I have said "I no longer wish to feel responsible for all her suffering" she would have jumped on the syntax and continued to fight

Thee key difference between the two is that the former is admitting, unequivocally, that I am responsible for all her suffering (just as she believed), while the latter is basically saying I'm not necessarily to blame, but I'm sick of being made to feel like I am.

Whether she did it to illicit reassurance, or confirmation of her fears I'll never know. Either way, she'd tie me in knots, verbally and emotionally... .Not anymore!