BPDFamily.com

 A brief background:

We're both 18, have been dating for a year and a half, I'm in University, and she works full-time. We met at Church and fell in love after a couple of months. This is both our first relationship and we both lost our virginity to one another. There is history of abuse in her family from her mother and her father who are separated. Her family is poor and they have always been poor, she has many siblings and half-siblings, all being raised by her single mother. My ex gf's father was diagnosed with bipolar (Don't know what type), and my ex gf's brother is also diagnosed with bipolar (It is very obvious). My ex gf is diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but has been unmedicated for years. I suspected she was bipolar or had some other behavioural illness but never really paid attention to the red flags.

However she displayed:

- Fear of abandonment (She often needed me to reassure her that she was pretty and not fat, and she said many times that I was too 'good looking' for her, when in fact she is VERY beautiful and weighs like 110 pounds) red-flag

- She definitely displayed characteristics of splitting (She either really LOVED something/someone, or absolutely HATED it) red-flag

- Self-harm (when we got into arguments and she was frustrated, in pain, or stressed , she would resort to cutting or hiting herself on her head, and in some cases has attempted to overdose on multiple occasions) red-flag

- Impulsive behaviour (she often spent a lot of money out of impulse buying) red-flag

- Uncontrollable emotions to those closest to her (To others she appeared to be completely 'fine', it was absolutely scary because I knew what she was really like) red-flag

- Absolutely TERRIBLE at coping with stress (As soon as anything became too stressful she either gave up or walked away) red-flag

- Never takes accountability for her actions (Even when she was wrong, she always thought she was right. It was ****ing scary. red-flag

The relationship moved extremely fast (mainly because of her), within months we had become so sexually experienced because of her high sexual demands. That's one thing I really miss, the sex was amazing. She often spoke about marriage, having children, and went on and on about how 'perfect' I was for her, how 'lucky' she was. 6 months into our relationship, due to her stressful family situation at home, she moved in to my house. My family lives in a big home and its often empty. For the most part my family was accepting of her (Except my mom, my mom always thought she had some personality or behavioural issues lol). We pretty much lived together for the next year or so until she broke up with me just a week ago. During the last couple of months of our relationship she often said how I neglected her, I mistreated her, I was emotionally abusive, and I took her for granted. The scary thing is all I could remember is showering her with love, attention, time, and I absolutely respected her. This was only particularly true when I was so busy with my final exams and assignments and I didn't have enough time for her, around this time she also told me about a co-worker who was flirting with her (but she said she had no interest in him), I trusted her so I did not think anything of it. Keep in mind this was about a month ago, and ever since I finished my school work I was sure to give her the crazy amount of attention she needed. Apparently she seemed satisfied... .

Fast forward to last week we got into an argument. She wouldn't stop snapchatting one of her male friends, which I have no problem with, but she was deliberately trying to get me jealous. Sadly it worked and I told her to F off for the rest of the night and let me sleep. The next morning she moved out of my house. No warning. No explanation. She just left. She called me later that day and told me that we are broken up, and maybe if I change (what a joke), she would take me back.

She became EXTREMELY cold, distant, very confusing to understand, and in some cases I think she also became manic. She started befriending co-workers, hanging out with friends she usually doesn't, and doing activities she never does. She was unnaturally happy, and the worst part was she began talking to one of the co-workers that have been pursuing her.

After a long conversation of me picking at her, she finally admitted that she made out of with this co-worker and she 'thinks' she likes him. She says he treats her so much better than I do, and that I don't deserve her. And blames that all this happened because of me. I was completely blind-sighted and felt extreme betrayal. I decided to go into NC so I could heal and try and understand this situation, but it's complete ****ery and I gave up because I think she is sick and there is no way of me understanding what is going through her head.

Overall I am really hurt. I can't say I don't love her, we have so many great memories together. It feels like she is an entirely different person just from a flick of a switch. I know she is no good for me, but at the same time I want her.

I know I'm young and I should move on, but I still would like some insight and stories from you guys about similar situations.

Thanks.

I can imagine how confused and hurt you feel.

Welcome to the world or mirrors though.

It's one of the core features of BPD that they actually miss a grounded Self. The abuse they experienced prevented them from forming a true stable Self, and this makes that they act like chameleons, merely reflecting the personality of the people they hang out with, this is called mirroring.

The reason you fell so deeply in love with them so fast has everything to do with this, you actually may have felt that you met someone who was very much like you, where you could totally be yourself with too.

And in the end it may not have been the total truth, as this is the BPDs way of pleasing and winning people over, once they loose interest in you, you will notice a complete character change. Sometimes its a new friend or lover they mirror, sometimes its their own fractured self which is even more confusing.

Cauliflower,

the dynamics of your relationship really remind me the ones I've experienced during my r/s, from the start to the end.

Hang on, use the forum as much as you like and get as much knowledge as possible on the BPD.

Don't beat yourself, okay? Even if we're far from perfect, It was not your fault.

A big hug!

Cauliflower,

other thoughts: BPD is often misdiagnosed with bipolar; what differentiates them are the frequency of the mood swings, which are much more frequent in the BPD.

From your story, dynamics such as hyper-idealization, push-pull, splitting white/black, victimization, distortion of reality, difficulty in managing emotions with closest ones, anger issues, etc., are pretty evident.

If you want to have more insight, use the website resources. Also, you might want to read these informative documents:

www.maretwebproject.com/users/docs/borderline.pdf

www.universitypsychiatry.com/clientuploads/picp/10_PICPs.pdf

UPDATE:

So it's been 10 days since she broke up with me. She's been very confusing and difficult to understand. I think she is throwing many breadcrumbs when she calls just to see what I'm up to. I've been home all this time going through the process of the breakup, and it's really difficult. However she seems happy with her new friends and the 'co-worker'. I think she might be playing games, she called me the other day and said that she just likes the co-worker as a friend, but they call each other 'baby', say 'I love you', and she's gotten very distant and cold from me. She's going to prom with this guy and she says they like each other but she is still in love me. She even said that the co-worker mentioned she should go on a date with me, so that I can prove to her that I've changed (From being neglectful), and that maybe she would decide in taking me back.

I think I already know what her decision is. I don't know if she's playing games or she's just confused.

Either way it really hurts and I'm doing my best to stay strong. I've lost a lot of motivation and I'm usually a very productive person... .

I understand this more than I care to admit.  Sometimes you need to force yourself to do the things you need to do.  It is hard but you will feel better about yourself if you do.