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A week ago, I posted on how I had come across some useful concepts in Games People Play by Eric Berne. The book is based upon social research (Transactional Analysis) done in the 1960s. It says that all people have stimulus-hunger, recognition hunger and structure-hunger. Stimulation prevents sensory deprivation, recognition prevents emotional deprivation, structure prevents boredom. This is a useful classification for me because it makes sense of the things that I have experienced in life.

Today, I sat and journalled. What I concluded is that I miss the emotional connection I had with my BPDxbf. The connection was intermittent because sometimes he was emotionally unavailable (when he cut-off) and sometimes I was (especially when I was anxious and scared). However, when we were both emotionally available at the same time and we shared how we felt or just allowed ourselves to experience each other (by that I mean being with the soul behind the eyes), it was wonderful. And it's something that I am really missing now that our mutual dysfunction has overtaken us again. I have spent my life feeling somehow cut-off from the world and I long for a relationship where I can 'see' and 'be seen' safely. I have a very strong need for recognition because I didn't get that as a child. I long for someone to want to share that experience of intimacy with me. I don't just want company. I don't just want to sit and chat. I want the deeper spiritual/emotional connection. Sometimes, I think I will never have that. I want to do something to attract that kind of person into my life but I have no idea what I can do.

Love Lifewriter

What can you do?

I've built (non-romantic) friendships with that kind of intimacy and trust. I've got one that is particularly deep, and maybe half a dozen that are solid but not consistently THAT close, and others that are currently distant (physically distant), but I know that upon reconnecting will be right were they left off.

I've also been working through my own issues.

I've got a lot of trust that this will make me more available, and less needy when a romantic relationship possibility appears for me. But there are terribly lonely times, and it isn't easy.

I'm pretty sure that you both want and fear the close emotional connection, or at least did when you got involved with your last guy, so you did a good job of attracting/choosing somebody who would come and go, fitting BOTH those needs.

If your resolve and figure out what it is in you that runs away / needs to be emotionally unavailable / needs somebody to run away and be emotionally distant from you, you will attract/choose somebody who suits the new you better.

Hi Grey Kitty.


I'm wondering if the root of the thing you are describing is to do with a strange dynamic that took place between my father and I when I was growing up. He would sit me on his knee and hug me and say "We love our xxxxxx (a nickname)". The contact was brief and only took place when my mother wasn't around. Then it went back to normal, which was a prolonged period of him virtually ignoring me - no conversation, no nothing. These 'hugs' left me feeling uncomfortable and anxious.

Why do I think this is the root of my dynamic of closeness-distance? Because I had closeness briefly and then distance for a longer period until the next time when I had closeness briefly then distance for a longer period... .this went on right until adulthood. I had no control over when these 'hugs' would happen, they were not at my behest. So, closeness is something that feels morally wrong... .and distance signifies a guilty secret.

With my BPDxbf, he was here and intensely close and then he was gone completely... .over and over again. When he wasn't around, I was anxious... .it's the same feeling of anxiety that I get when I have any contact with my mother.

Lifewriter x

I dunno, but I can share one story. I'm telling this as if it was you, even though it may not apply in your case.

One parent was the "bad" one. That is the actively abusive one. Upon getting out of the house, perhaps even kicked onto the street as a teen, you immediately started dealing with issues relating to this "bad" parent and the abuse, and found some success.

But you picked a bunch of unhealthy relationships for years (decades?) despite having "dealt" with this issue.

One day (perhaps now, perhaps in the future), you will realize that the other parent, the "good" one wasn't actually treating you well growing up, and at a minimum, failed to protect you from the "bad" parent. Perhaps was also abusive/destructive, but in more subtle ways.

Once you deal with the issues from the "good" parent, you no longer need to pick a messed up partner who will replicate those problems.

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I've seen this pattern several times. Exactly what the "good" and "bad" parents did varied quite a bit... .but the freedom that came up after dealing with the second parent is pretty impressive. And generally came up at age 30, 40, 50, or 60.

I, personally feel like I'm at that "second" resolution phase in my life... .except that there was no active abuse in my childhood, so I had my stuff more together and never had to deal with the "first" phase of resolution from abuse. So I muddled along pretty well 'till my ~40s, spending some of it wondering why I didn't seem to have issues going back to my FOO.

I know where you're coming from, Grey Kitty.

I'm aware of a certain reluctance to address issues with my Dad as if doing so would take him from me. It's almost a conscious choice to look only at the good and avoid looking at the bad. I've known I've been avoiding addressing issues that came up with my father for some time. I feel the pain will be harder to handle somehow, because he let me down. I need to be brave.

Thanks for your comments.

Lifewriter x

This response is going to sound like a joke, but it's not.  Maybe get to know some practicing Zen Buddhists.  Not cradle Buddhists (people who defaulted to Buddhism because their FOO is Buddhist), but seekers who've come to Zen Buddhism.  I wouldn't call myself a Buddhist, but I've dipped my foot in the water and I am struck by how peaceful, nonjudgmental and receptive many practicing Zen Buddhists are.  Not long after I got to know the priest (actually, priestess) at my local zendo -- after we'd had a chance to sit and talk a few times -- I'll just say that many of these folks really do radiate something special.  You want to be around them, and they're happy to be around you. 

Maybe give that a try.  Be calm and open and understand that all of it (Zen practice and getting to know your fellow travelers) will take time.  It could be fertile land for you. 

Good luck to you.

That's a good idea, goateeki. Thanks.

Lifewriter x

One friend of mine who went through this found that it helped with her dad--she came to accept both that he did let her down when it came to protecting her from her mother... .and that he did the best he could with the (insufficient) tools he had.

She did spend some time being angry with her dad... .but she didn't have to give up loving him or her relationship with him. (Although that was complicated by aging and the start of dementia)

Be brave. You will thank yourself for it. 

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I'll second the recommendation about Buddhist practice* and spending time with people who have done that kind of practice.

I would note that Zen is only one flavor of Buddhism, and that the basic meditation practice is very similar with other forms; My experience is from the Therevada school, and my teachers studied in Burma/Thailand. I know some wonderful people.

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* With one caveat about Buddhist mindfulness meditation practice. I believe I've seen you on topics relating to CPTSD, and I believe Pete Walker said that until your inner critic is somewhat tamed/retrained you will find mindfulness meditation either impossible or unhelpful, in that case.

If your inner critic will be a problem during meditation, you will find out quickly enough... .I think I'd take that as a cue to wait while you do more work there first.

I've had that piece of advice from elsewhere with regard to Christian meditation too. When I sit down to 'meditate', what is thrown up is generally the next thing that needs healing from my past... .so it could be a long term project. Having said that, a local town has a buddhist centre with a cafe that's open to the public - I could start by just having lunch there and build up to their 'soup and serenity' lunchtime deal. The first time I went there, I realised just how 'buddhist' the teachings of Jesus are. It was an eye-opener.

That's really good advice from you both. Thank you. 

Funny thing about Buddhist teachings... .at least as I understand them. It almost isn't a religion. It doesn't really address questions like is there a god, or what happens to you when you die. It is much more a practical manual of how to live on this planet. My first teacher said repeatedly that the teachings are all testable, like gravity, and if you go against them you will learn once again that it is a bad idea. In fact he once said that the thing he hated most about the precepts was that they are true, and he often really WANTS them not to be, he wants to go against them... .

Anyhow, the teachings and practice aren't really in much conflict with other religions... .and somebody like Jesus pretty much lived that way. I believe Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a book or two about Buddhism and Christianity.

If there is a nearby Buddhist center, they probably have a meditation group you could sign up for. I'd recommend you try that with a group and a teacher/leader, instead of doing it all on your own. It is weird and hard to explain, given that it is all silent and internal... .but I think the group/community is significant. I'd also expect some instruction and possibly discussion after.

Thanks Grey Kitty, I will try a group.


In the meantime, I would be really interested to hear what you have to say about buddhism not being a religion and it being a way of living because I was brought up with fundamentalist Christian ideas which painted following other religions as being almost tantamount to worshiping the devil and so I have certain emotional blocks to overcome.

Thanks

Lifewriter x

I'll try to explain what I mean. Part of it is a semantic question--exactly what makes something a religion, instead of a philosophy or a moral teaching? If you are treating people a certain way, is it because of your religious beliefs, or your understanding of boundaries, validation, and invalidation? Whatever... .I'll let you decide how it fits for you... .and encourage you to listen to what you learn at the center, and see what it works like for you.

I have been told that the Buddha (he taught many people for many years after he achieved enlightenment, so there is a great deal of oral history of his discourses) was asked many times about the existence of god (or gods, given the time and place he lived), and always refused to answer that question.

His teachings were practical--things that can be put into practice and tested. (I'm not trying to pick on Christianity when I say this, but fundamental concepts like original sin and salvation from it are nothing I can test while I'm living on earth, and as I understand it, will be too late by the time I have know how the test worked out.)

I view those teachings and practices as an instruction manual for life on earth as a human being. I find them to be provable/testable just like physics is... .except that much of it actually happens in your own thoughts and consciousness, which makes sharing the results of my experiments much harder than physics experiments.

There are some aspects which seem more like a religion, and I've not found those parts necessary or even all that helpful for me. They also haven't been emphasized very much by my teachers.

Reincarnation was pretty universally believed in the time and place that the Buddha lived, (Hinduism, Jainism, other religions of the area), and some concepts like Karma include/make use of it. I tend to view Karma more as an immediate consequence and unavoidable consequence of your actions than as something which carried forward from a past life and will carry on to the next one.

Teachers who I respect greatly find the chanting to be valuable; I've participated when I'm on retreats, but haven't figured out what the actual benefits from it are. (Unlike the meditation, which I can clearly see benefits from even if I cannot really say how or why it works.) Perhaps I'll appreciate or understand it more someday. If not, it seems at worst harmless.

Hey Lifewriter, Suggest you be yourself.  It sounds easy, but is hard.  I pretended a lot in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Now, I strive to be authentic.  As Nietzsche said, "Become who you are."  I find it extremely attractive when someone is true to themselves.  Also, try to get out and do things that represent you at your core.  Could be as simple as riding a bike, which might lead to joining a cycling club and meeting new friends, etc.

LuckyJim

Yes. I think we do a lot of pretending when we are with pwBPD. We pretend to be who we aren't. We pretend we're not upset or stressed when we are. We pretend we don't see their dysfunction or remember their broken promises.

Thanks everyone.

I think I've worn a lot of masks in life. The biggest lie I have lived has been a religious one. Letting go of that lie and becoming authentic is a really big challenge. To summarise, I don't believe what Christians believe anymore. I suspect there was a lot that I never believed, but I used to think of myself as a Christian. Now, I don't think of myself in those terms and I grossly dislike Christian worship. Of course, most Christians are likely to see me as a backslider or someone who has lost their faith. It's hard to walk away from the Church in it's entirety. First, because of fear of being ostracised and second, because of fear of what will happen if I have got it wrong (burn in hell forever). But, I realised that I have to be true to myself even if it means standing in front of God and saying: "I made a mistake... .but at least I was true to myself rather than to someone else".

I know that I don't want to adopt another religious structure or another culture. It's hard to find somewhere to belong when I don't want to follow the crowd and prefer to live authentically. Wanting a deeper spiritual connection is not a simple aspiration.

With respect to my BPDxbf, he used to value my honesty. He said I was the only one who told him the truth (I'm not surprised given how he disregulates). After a while, I also became frightened to be honest about what I thought. When I realised what an impact that was having on me, I went back to my previous policy of telling him what I think even if he didn't like it. And he didn't like it. Now, he says he hates the me I have become... .I think I'm okay though.

Lifewriter x