BPDFamily.com

ugh.  after 4 months without seeing him, i thought i would be further along in my healing at this point.  but hearing from my separated bphusband via e mail last night brought me right back to step one on the healing ladder.   he knows i am going to cleveland for my nephew's wedding next month.  even though he is seeing other woman and maybe one in particular, it drives him NUTS that i will be leaving the house for something other than my teaching job!  he is soo ticked that i am going to a family wedding where there will be men and booze.  so the e mail from him read,   " i am sure you will be seeing lots of your old friends when you are in cleveland next month.  also, i have stopped going to therapists.  i am TIRED of everyone quitting on me."      whop whop for him, eh? this man is a genius and 49 years old.  ( i am pretty sure the "quitting" on him is referring to ME , as i asked him to get an apt. for 6 months to get himself together. )   geez, i was not quitting on him. i have been a loving and supportive wife, and actually continue to love him. BUT, i didnt want to go to jail because of stupid decisions he was making , and he had been in 3 accidents in 6 months being on valium.   i know this feel sorry for ME e mail is out of fear and shame on his part, but holy shoot, how reversed is that?      he justifies his new girlfriend -we are still very much married, 9 years together, by saying/hinting that i quit on HIM.    and how about the jab that "i am sure you will be seeing lots of your old friends"  ?      he is freaking having sex with others and he is pissed that i might converse with an old friend?   i cant take this insanity.     i have not responded because it is so absurd i wouldnt even know where to begin.   i am praying i will not hit the "reply" button, wasting my time yet again on trying to convince his 10 year old emotional self that i didnt quit on him, he quit on ME, US, when he decided to cheat on me.  thanks for letting me vent... .  any suggestions on a reply to him?  or, do i just let it go?   i will probably need to change my e mail address soon, which is a total inconvenience, but i am not confident in my no contact ability.   i continually beat my head against the wall trying to get him to see things rationally.   the desire to do that has not subsided, even after 4 months.   every day is a challenge.   do i reply?  if so, saying what?   have a great weekend, and as usual, thank you.  londons 

Why not set up a rule so any emails from him go straight to the trash.  That way, you won't see them :)

If it were me... .I would not reply.

Try and change your thinking on this one.  I know it's hard, but smile to yourself at the fact he is bothered about you attending a social gathering.  Better still... .get excited about attending and having a fabulous night :)

Sorry you are going through this

So what was the purpose of his contact? 

If it was just him lashing out then not replying is likely best.  That said, if not replying will result in more lashing out then maybe a simple "OK" or "I understand" and leave it at that?

thanks busy, you did make me smile!  i have no desire to respond at this point, but this evening could be a whole new ball game.  its crazy how the strength can be there one moment, and then the vulnerability returns and i am coddling him again!  ok, so about sending his e mails to trash.  if i did that, i know i would just press the TRASH button, wanting to see what he wrote to me!  because i am still waiting for the day when he types,  "guess what?  i am better! fixed! and in love with you!"  (man, i need to get a life :)      so, after he signs a couple of papers, i will need to find a way to keep his e mails from reaching me.   there should be a way to bounce those back to him!  at that point, he would stop e mailing me, and i could concentrate on something other than HIM.   seriously, 4 months, and i STILL think of him 24/7.  i am staying busy, but the thought of him NEVER leaves my mind.

londons    I wouldn't respond. It's pointless. You will never get the response you want, or him to understand your response the way you mean it. He cannot process the words you write the way you write them; he has a different brain than you do.

If you want any emails to bounce back to him changing your email address is the only option.

About him saying he is tired of people quitting on him. What I noticed is that what was directly before was him quitting therapy. So apart from him being angry at you for quitting on him (rewriting history) I wouldn't be surprised if something happened in therapy that triggered him to both quit therapy and send you an angry email. It might be something so trivial (in our view) as his therapist going on holiday. It is very common for pwBPD to see this as abandonment by the T and a reason to quit therapy.

Seriously, 4 months? You were together for 9 years... 4 months is nothing, don't beat yourself up over that. Nobody here has been able to move on after just 4 months. Don't forget a relationship with a pwBPD is very traumatic and so is the breakup. Think of it in a different light. Imagine your husband suddenly would have died in a horrific accident. Traumatic. You would have been thinking of him after 4 months too. And nobody would have expected otherwise.

hi... .  stein, all of his e mails have been between 2 words and maybe one sentence.  what is intention or purpose of the e mails?  well, most of them are small talk stupidity and feel sorry for me statements.  i think he wants his cake , and the ice cream too.  and since i am so addicted to him, i shake until i respond to him !        wounded, you are so right in all areas.   i am hearing you say that 4 months is nothing.  man, i appreciate that cuz i AM beating myself up over it.   i just dont see how i can do 4 more months like the last 4!  i feel zero healing has gone on.  i function.  i mother my 3 awesome kids (they are 30, 22 and 18).   but healing?  cant say that i see any difference from day 1.   i know in the long run i will be ok, but the current physical and emotional pain is enough to warrant a hospital stay.  i feel like every day i am in a huge physical battle, and i lose.  everything hurts !  i am seeing a psychologist and a family doctor.  i would drink a beer or glass of wine to alter my state of mind, but then my guard would REALLY be down, so i dont do that.  i do need to find some relief.   thanks for listening... .   

Despite all of the pain you are still in there has been healing because today you do not feel exactly the same as you did on day 1. You have learned things about BPD, about him, about you, you have sought help. Important steps. Healing is a process. A slow one. It's like with losing weight: if you want to have good results it needs to be a slow process. Burying emotions, hurrying through things will backfire and will not get you to the healthiest version of you where you will be ready to really move on and ready again for love.

But don't worry, the next 4 months will not be like the last 4 

wounded, you rock.  great advice from both of u and it is appreciated. let's do this!  :)