BPDFamily.com

Today is so painful. I'm oscillating between extreme rage to debilitating hurt/sadness that literally creates a physical reaction in my chest.

I broke up with my BPD/NPD after I caught him cheating. After the most turmoltuous year and half of my life. I told him to leave me alone and went no contact completely. He had no respect for that. Calling, voicemails, showing up to my house knocking on all doors and windows. I literally called my brother in law to come over and get him to leave. I was committed to not even opening the door a crack and getting sucked back in. (Bee there, done that). He then had his friend message me to get together and talk to him. Ignored!

So then I received a 3 page single spaced letter under my door last week. It said EVERYTHING I wanted to hear. Ofcourse - it's what he wanted, to mess with me and make me hang on somehow. Apologized for all the pain he caused me, said I was his miracle, that he has a plan to get better and he will fight for our love to be realized again, that we have a future together and he will prove to my friends and family he deserves that chance. That he loves me so much and he never wants me to question that. That he realizes that no matter his feelings, because of his illnesses he wasn't able to love me the way I needed. That he was out of control. That it haunts him that he hurt me so much. He thanked me for helping him get diagnosed and for always making him feel so loved and cared for and helping him fight. He said he'll pray and hope for contact and another Chance with me when he is healthy and that in the mean time he loves me and is there for me if I ever need anything.   I did not contact even though I desperately wanted to. I wasn't going to fall for the manipulation.

So here I am and it's my birthday. I am riddled with anxiety. I want him to contact me and say happy birthday. Why do I even care about this? It will hurt me if he doesn't. And it will hurt me if he does. I want to call him SO BAD. I can't even breathe. I feel so alone and vulnerable. Why is it so hard today? My friends and family don't understand the pain and toxic pull this relationship has had and still has on me. I feel like they are so tired of me and don't know why I'm not just "over it".  I feel like the pain is just bubbling up and I'm going to end up on his doorstep. On my own birthday Looking like a complete desperate fool.

Happy Birthday! I know you don't feel very happy... .. He probably won't say it to you to teach you a lesson or something stupid like that. You have to try and decide you don't want to hear from him if you are really done here. They try and ruin birthdays and holidays if you remember, so don't take it personally. Try and go do something fun for yourself. I know how you feel, because mine didn't wish me one on mine. 

What you are feeling is normal and understandable.

I agree with Blue, you are probably being manipulated. If that's the case, it's cruel. Don't contact him, it reinforce his sense of control. Tomorrow is another day, and I hope the high emotions will subside a bit. There will be other birthdays, happier ones, in the future.