BPDFamily.com

Hey guys,

After reading some responses of my other posts it got me thinking about the end of my relationship with my exBPD. Really it got me thinking about how she views it versus me. I know it's not the same, it can't be, others obviously see things like me, but they don't have a personality disorder either. I know victim is a hot button word, and I'm not trying to portray myself as one, it's simply the word best to use when dealing with the possible thoughts of my exBPD.

Background after deciding to leave me behind on the night of my birthday to basically party with her cousin, and telling me she's not a good person, she wouldn't want to spend her birthday with me, calling me drama queen etc. I broke up with her and she left. No contact or apology was ever made from her. A month later I decide enough time has passed I could ask for my things back and not be so emotional. I sent her a civil and nice text. Her response to my asking? "I'd rather not. I'm not happy with the way things ended with us. Please don't text me again." People that know the story are still stunned at that and as confused as me.

So as I began looking at in depth at this a thought suddenly hit me. Does she think she's the victim of my wrong doing here? Anyone can see what she did to me was not cool to say the least, I had no choice after that but to break up, although I never wanted to, I'm sure deep down she knows that. But look at the way things went after, I cooly ask for my stuff back like I'm a heartless jerk who broke up with her and wants my stuff now and don't care if seeing me hurts her. And she timidly would "rather" not, that word seems like a please don't make me it will hurt. Because there wasn't a cruel no or to hell with you which I find surprising. Then she says she's not happy with the way things ended between us? She caused it! Anyone with a small amount of self respect couldn't forgive that, especially after 19 months of everything else I've had to deal with. So if she's not happy why did she do it? Why didn't she apologize? Why didn't she agree to meet me with my stuff and have a face to face? Cause it would hurt her too much?

As for the last part "please don't text me again". It sounds like I'm trying to heal from what you put me through don't keep irritating the wound, you hurt me so. In her mind am I suppose to apologize is she the victim, does she want me to make things right for her? I may be completely wrong in hero I interpreted this, but I know my ex has a history of being the "victim". Is she gonna go out and do whatever then eventually call and say I was heartbroken and depressed at home I had to work through this. Basically what she's said to me during other break ups. I just don't know. Once again you guys and your great insight, advice and thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

I hate to say it, but I fell for it. The whole BPD, turning the tables so she was the victim. I remember sending a huge apology letter, that when I look back on it, I wish I never sent. I apologized for things that WERE my fault. But I even apologized for things that were absolutely her fault. Seriously, I was so emotionally broken, I even apologized for her cheating with another man. Yeah, I was THAT guy. I was never that guy in my life, and at 38 years old, she made me THAT guy.

In retrospect, her manipulation skills are stellar. It's like once I was weakened emotionally, she gained complete and total control. I'm really ashamed of myself for that one. I felt incredibly "played". I wrote an apology that was mere a laundry list of things to use against me in her smear campaign and excused her for cheating on me. Someone would never have been able to do that to me if I was in control of my emotions properly. Yeah, I botched the crap out of that one. I should have instantly went no contact, but yeah, emotions.

The best advice is no contact, no contact, no contact. Any significant other that would rather hang out with a friend than YOU, on your BIRTHDAY, is not the kind of S/O you want in your life.

Me too. I apologized for him lying to me... .as in, making it hard for him to tell the truth!

I really am not sorry, though. At least I took responsibility for my actions. In the end, there's no relationship left at all, so there's no outcome to regret.

Your story is eerily very similar to mine, except she broke it off with me. We were supposed to go away with some friends in my birthday. A week before, she told me there was "no spark" between us (even though we spent time together for 11 months). She got mad at me for looking at her LinkedIn page without adding her. I flipped a bit. I told her she was giving me mixed messages, that I never cared about anybody as much as I cared about her, and that I will always care about her. She said she needed space and that I "don't even know her."

Two weeks later, after I thought the fallout cleared, I messaged her. She told me, "do not contact me again." I haven't (directly) heard from her since. I put "directly" in parenthesis because I caught her redhanded checking out my LinkedIn page and I believe she's still checking it out. I also received a mysterious "no caller ID" call shortly after this all went down. I only got one of those one other time. The timing was suspicious.

I feel your pain, man. My person also played the victim. Her ex-husband was a no good ass who beat her (I have my doubts), her ex boyfriend was a Bipolar stalker who only wanted her for sex, etc, etc.

It's all very hurtful. Will this chick get back in touch with you? Only time will tell. Mine hovered her ex-husband and continues to make unnecessary contact with him (all under the pretense of "what's best for the kid", even though she accused him of being so terrible. That makes me think it's only a matter of time before she does it to me. You dig?

It's up to you what you want to do. I'm not going to tell you to go NC if you don't think it's best for you. Evaluate the situation and protect yourself emotionally, whatever that entails.

btw, mind would also give me the Silent Treatments and then come back telling me that she was depressed. She also said she didn't deserve me and all of that crap. It's tragic and heartbreaking. It's going to take me a long time to recover from this.

Is "because she is mentally ill" too blunt?  They are mentally ill.  They are mentally ill.  Pretend this is Fight Club, only instead of "his name is Robert Paulson," "they are mentally ill." It's taken me some time to arrive here, but now that the FOG has lifted ever so slightly, i remember all the awful, awful things she did and gaslit me about, only to have friends and family remind me - as apalled observers - that reality was as I remembered it and not her table turning self-victimizing nonsense. 

Screw getting your stuff back; remember, the good times were a function of their mental illness, in the same way that the euphoria of drugs gets you high; both have incredibly unhealthy downsides. 

My inevitable ex tried to make it my fault that I couldn't withstand the onslaught of half a dozen mental illnesses being discovered in short order. 

Because she is mentally ill.  Never lose sight of this. 

I didn't apologize for anything in the end, and I'm so thankful that I didn't.  The last time we saw each other I was told, "I love you".  I said nothing in return... .nothing at all... .zip.  And I am so glad I didn't. 

The pwBPD moved me around the triangle perfectly.  I started in the rescuer position then ended up as the persecutor.  In reality, the pwBPD started out as the victim then turned persecutor as I became the victim.

Gah, what an experience! 

  Hi KharmasReal

It sounds as if you are, understandably, trying to make sense of behaviour that for us, as nonBPD, is illogical.

"Background after deciding to leave me behind on the night of my birthday to basically party with her cousin, and telling me she's not a good person, she wouldn't want to spend her birthday with me, calling me drama queen etc. I broke up with her and she left. No contact or apology was ever made from her. A month later I decide enough time has passed I could ask for my things back and not be so emotional. I sent her a civil and nice text. Her response to my asking? "I'd rather not. I'm not happy with the way things ended with us. Please don't text me again." People that know the story are still stunned at that and as confused as me."

BPD behaviour causes great confusion for us and I spent months trying to understand the skewed logic. At the start of recovery I desperately needed to understand. My brain circled. I swung between hurt and anger, frustration too that he could not understand my feelings and responses to his behaviour. And yes, your response to her behaviour, your hurt and confusion, are understandable.

From my experience, and from what I've read of others', yes - BPDs do see themselves as the victim. Remember that you were involved with an emotionally arrested person with a severe mental illness.

Their behaviour cannot be rationalised, they are mentally ill. We may feel the victim of BPD behaviour and it may serve us in the short term, but feeling a victim in the long term is not good. Understanding why we became involved, self understanding and knowledge of BPD is the way forward.

Recovering from a BPD relationship is akin to bereavement. It's a huge loss because they mirrored us and it feels as if we have lost part of ourselves. Elizabeth Kubler Ross's stages of bereavement are on this site and elsewhere on the internet and it's a model that can  be used for a BPD break-up. Working through it is not linear, there are good days, bad days, three steps forward two steps back, swingeing emotions.

There are other articles on this site that may help you as well as 2010's posts. I found his replies to people feeling the terrible pain of a BPD break-up enlightening. Not just about BPD but about my part in my relationship.

Recovery takes some time as you go through the stages. But you will get there. Promise.

The closest analogy I can think of is the excruciating pain of childbirth. (I know you are a bloke, but you get the gist... .:) ) You can't believe the pain, you can't do this, you want it to end, you don't want to be there, please, please let it end... .you are giving birth to a new person and it hurts. The new person is the gift of BPD.

Thanks for the awesome replies,

I don't know where I'm at right now, maybe one of those two step back places, Troisette, mentioned. I just keep thinking all people have the capacity to do what our BPD's did, people lie, steal, and chest without this disorder. I know what many of you said is absolutely right I'm trying to find logic from an illogical source, however a BPD does have logic and reasoning in their own mind to do the things they do. Maybe it's my over analytical side but I feel like if I could tap into that and see the reasonings and understand them I could get some peace. Maybe today has just been tough, I keep thinking about someone who was so close to me and still is close, proximity wise, but I can't reach out, I can't touch them or talk to them, it's still a painful idea to grasp. And Sweet tooth I definitely dig what you are saying. I felt like my ex was always trying to Charm back her ex husband under the guise of kids and what should be okay between them, drove me nuts! I know he's not coming back though, he learned and detached, I know I should make the same strides but he has 3 more years with than I do, I'm still missing the forest because of the trees I guess. I don't see how she could possibly think of a recycle with me at this point because for the last year I did make my stand. I did everything short of a break up, until that happened, to keep my boundaries as firm as possible. She knows she messed up I can't see her trying to fix that, even though sometimes I wish she would. I still just don't know what my problem is, she put me through more than any person I've dated, I'm dating a nice girl who I can trust right now, I've had several other girls make inquiries about me and dating, but I can't take my mind off her. It's like choosing to chew nails over getting cake and ice cream! I just always viewed her as my perfect counterpart, and I can't seem to let go of that just yet. Maybe time just hasn't worked its magic. If I'm honest all keep thinking about is if improve even more than maybe I can make things work, apparently I have some perfectionist traits in me, logically I know it's probably just my own hubris, but there are times when I ache for a reconciliation. Thanks for hearing me out on all this, I promise I'm trying to stay astringent as possible and keep fighting the good fight so I can eventually get emotionally healthy again!

Yea, man. Mine tried to get together with him for "family functions" for the sake of the young daughter. Keep in mind, she took the daughter and ran after he "hit her so hard she ended up in the hospital." She would also call to "say good night" to the daughter when the daughter was with him. I personally witnessed that.

He deactivated his phone without telling her and she went into a mini rage saying, "I need to be able to be in contact with him in case there is something wrong with our daughter!" Mind you, this was while the kid was with him. They had to do child exchanges at a police station. She told me that he began filming them with his cell phone "to be dramatic." She also wigged out because the ex-husband brought his new (pregnant) woman to custody hearings.

Nothing added up. She made horrible, and I mean HORRIBLE, accusations toward the ex:

-He didn't want to change the baby's diaper because he found it inappropriate. She insinuated that he had sexual thoughts regarding the kid.

-The kid came home with bruises (in her words) and she went to the doctor to prove the husband didn't hit her.

-He was a narcissist, sociopath.

-He didn't care about the kid and the kid (at TWO years old) didn't like spending time with him... .and the kid was SMARTER than she was and already realized he was abusive (at TWO!).

-The ex-husband didn't pay child support.

-The ex-husband dragged out the divorce.

In retrospect, I think most of what she told me were exaggerations, distortions, misconceptions, and lies. Why try to spend ANY time with somebody so horrible? My guess is that:

-She wants to control him. When she sees the new woman she feels like she lost control.

-She wants him available on her terms and when she wants: THAT is why she tries to reconnect "for the sake of the kid."

-He was smart/wise enough to stay away from recycles.

-Maybe he recorded the transitions because he was tired of false accusations against him... .

I know all of this... .and I still long for her. What does that say about me... .? I'm sick... .

I'm curious as to what your person did in this regard. I'm interested to see how similar our stories are. Mine fits the profile of the "quiet/waif" borderline.

hey karmasreal 

i think troisette gave you good insight here. generally speaking, a person with BPD does have a victim mentality, and sees others as persecuting them. i should also add, the whole prospect of exchanging belongings tends to trigger the sense of abandonment (its very difficult to achieve) and can cause defenses to go up. it messes with issues of object permanence as well, i think.


it will make things easier to take "please dont text me again" at face value, and respect it, even though it may be subject to change. you cant necessarily predict what she will do, even though there is a level of predictability with certain behaviors, and/or a past history. if she were to contact you, have you thought about how you might respond, or not?

I'm sorry that I keep commenting, but the stories are eerily similar. My person has something of mine as well. I honestly believe that she is using it as a potential ice breaker in the future, i.e. "I went through my stuff and found your book."

I never asked for it back because she told me not to contact her again. I don't want to open a can of worms.

my ex kept my stuff. i thought the same thing. "she wants to use this as an attempt to reengage down the road and i wont let her do that". i tried for about three months. there were always good intentions promised, but excuses at every turn. finally she asked me to send her an email listing the things i needed back. there was no reply and thats when i finally stopped. she never reached out to me about the stuff.

you might be right, you might be wrong. take it from me though, this line of thinking will keep you stuck.

Then your stuff is still collateral. She doesn't want to give it up.

odds are she gave most of it up (we broke up over five years ago). more importantly, i gave it up, so what she wants, or doesnt want, or would or wouldnt do was given up as well. it was tough - i had to accept the finality and i went through a deep depression - but the result was moving closer to detachment.

edit: i should add, i had a lot of important items of hers as well. i think fundamentally its less about a deliberate, down the road process, more the trigger of abandonment.

Yes, but guys frequently discuss people re-engaging years later. There's still a possibility. I get what you're saying, though. You're telling me to kiss my book goodbye.

she did reengage. it was pretty anti climatic (and not about the stuff). i saw her name on the caller ID of my house phone a few months after shed called. several months later i got a facebook friend request that she rescinded a few hours later. several months later i got another one - rescinded a few hours later. that was it. sure theres a possibility, unlikely as i think it is, and ill cross that bridge if i ever come to it.

years later is a long time to wait sweet tooth. what im really telling you is that the book and your assumption of her intentions are keeping you attached.

Maybe I should just drop the $20 for a different copy... .

We should compare letters... .lol lol lol

Stellar is an understatement :)

Don't be ashamed... .that was her job!

My ex sounds much the same... .she saved all the texts and emails I sent her following arguments. These were full of apologies for the hurt and upset, reassurances and confirmation of my love... .she'd quote from them like a 'check list' when I (inevitably) failed to live up to her expectations the next time we fell out (yes,,,it was always my fault!)... .very, very infantilizing

I think that is the best possible use of $20!

|iiii

Sweet tooth, I see so many similarities it's not funny. A few differences but more similar than not. I'll give you some background nuggets see if it sounds the same to you haha.

My ex and her ex husband still did birthdays and stuff for the kids together, even after separation and divorce, probably at her insistence. I also saw a text where she was mad he was avoiding her by picking up the kids things from her car instead of directly from her.

She also called his phone to talk to the kids when she didn't have them, even though she only went a day or two without, he never once called her for anything.

She also allowed his name to still be on her lease after the divorce because she didn't make enough money to qualify. All inappropriate, especially since at that time we had been in a relationship for over a year! Never asked me for anything like that, she was short on money a few times and who did she go to him first every time not me ever.

My ex also said her ex husband filmed things a few times apparently she went into a rage on him and cut herself and he filmed it, she said it was because he was an ass, in reality it was probably to prove he didn't do it to her!

I also hear my exes ex was a narcissist and sociopath both haha. He never cared about the kids when they were married, he hated the step son. He beat her up and that's why they had to go to counseling, the more I think on it, he probably wanted her to go to counseling. I know her behavior bothered and embarrassed him around other people. How do I know this? First she embarrassed me I didn't want to take her around anyone I knew. Second she told me about how she was never allowed on base (he was military) how he went home to see his family without her, and how he told their new neighbors they wouldn't like her before they met her.

She accused him of dragging out the divorce when I saw texts from him telling her she was! Also he had a new girlfriend who ended up getting pregnant, she took that well, not. The ex husbands girlfriend was probably nice enough she helped the kids with the homework and signed off on it, school policy. My ex would see this and flip out, mark her name out, send messages to him in the middle of the night yelling about it. It was crazy.

There are many times I still long for my ex, almost to the point where I want to use the possible jealousy aspect against her and post pictures of me and my new girlfriend, just to see if she responds to seeing that. I know it's childish behavior, but I miss being around her, it's the strangest loss or break up I've ever had. I don't think is missing them makes us sick, we are just human and we feel, no matter what those feelings can't just shut off like a light. Hope this post helps man.

Yeah lol. I didn't go to the extent some of the users have with apologizing profusely and letters, but my ex gaslighted me to the point where I felt like a bad person because I had confronted her about cheating, and I told her I was sorry I upset her via text, but then I called her out on all her bs. But there was a point where even after all she did I saw her as the victim and felt like a villain. Then my bestfriend snapped me to my senses.

Hey once removed thanks for great response.

I do have a question or maybe a few haha. I can see how the exchange of belongings can be seen as abandonment, however my ex and I have done the exchange belongings dance about 4 different times. The first when she broke up with me for 6 weeks, she did it very nicely that time saying "right person, wrong time", then she was back.

The next few times it was mostly me breaking up then a few days later I would ask about my things or hers we would meet to exchange, and that turned into talking, having a few drinks, sex, and then we were back to our strange relationship. I think it got to the point where I engaged first after no contact the last few times, and she knew my belonging exchange text were just an opportunity to see her. She never could let me walk away after a break up if she saw me. If I didn't engage in the "come get my stuff text" after one of our past break ups she may have put me out of sight out of mind. But she always said okay and I always came up and we always got back together. So in her mind wouldn't she think me texting about this is the same, thus wouldn't be abandonment, it would be me re-engaging, at least in her mind. The only difference is this break up was the nastiest we've had and I waited almost a month to re-engage the other times it was closer to a week or two.

I have taken the "please don't text me again" at face value. Well after I sent her another message, at that time, asking how she could say she would RATHER not give me my things, that phrase still is mind boggling. She never responded so I haven't talked to her or done anything since.

You say there are certain levels of predictability with certain behaviors and past history. What exactly does that mean? I feel like I can predict her but on the other hand she contradicted herself so much I feel like even she doesn't know what she thinks.

I haven't really thought about what I would do if she contacts. I've been asked that question a lot. I know I greatly miss her but I also know the baggage and emotional turmoil and bad memories that come with her too. I'm also seeing another girl, younger, pretty, sweet, good to me, with a good job, and very responsible. An upgrade in almost every category, except she doesn't make me feel like my exBPD. People have said if I broke up with her to get back with my ex, I would be insane. I keep telling myself if I got to see my ex again maybe I would know what to do. Maybe I could see I was just missing the past and not her, or maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking that and I really just want to see her. I'm afraid if the second possibility is true she will hook me again with infatuation and the roller coaster will start again.

Hey KarmasReal... .Just take a moment to re read your last sentence. Then take a reality check on your present situation. You now have another lady in your life... .maybe you have a future together, maybe not. You'll never know unless you learn to let go of the past. I know it's easier said than done, but just re read your last sentence again... .and fully digest what this actually implies... .

I think if you've reached this level of understanding, then you're healing... .abide by your own counsel... .

She can't hurt you, unless you allow it... .I'm at the stage when I 'know' this to be true, on a cerebral level,  but I've yet to fully realize it emotionally

Karma, you and I are in the same boat. I also do not know how I will react if my person re-engages. I'm not involved with anyone, however, so I am more likely to fall prey. I honestly think it's only a matter of time. She pulled the disappearing act several times, and after each time the durations would typically increase. This is the longest yet (2 and a half months), but the last time we saw each other was the deepest emotional connection.

Intellectually I know she's toxic. Emotionally, I miss her very much: her smile, her laugh, her scent, and she made me laugh, her sweetness when she wasn't dysregulating, the way she made me feel, her spontaneity... .this sucks... .

 "it's the strangest loss or break up I've ever had"

Me too, it's a mind f**k.

The drama is also addictive... .but as has been stated above, like any class A drug, the withdrawal symptoms are terrible and getting yourself 'clean' takes time and effort... .but we WILL get there  

I tried discussing the situation with a friend last night. He doesn't understand the addictive aspect of it. He was p****** me off. He basically said, "you need to start moving on," as if I can do so with the flip of a switch. He was really condescending about it, too.

Isn't it ironic how we miss them even if they mistreated us so badly?

Indeed, we still miss them because we had a trauma bond with 'em.

Only people that have been in r/s with BPDs can understand us and the underlying dynamics... .very sad that not so many people can understand us.

Unfortunately people that haven't been in our situation don't understand or know how to respond. I was addicted to my ex before I found out about her cheating, and I never intentionally enjoyed our chaos. I've also encountered people here with this same flip of the switch mentality. The think we shouldn't even care at all because they are further along in their healing than we are.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, there is a small part of me that still cares about any woman I've ever been involved with. I wish them all happiness. Some of them I wish I had an opportunity to be involved with again. Others I don't. It's just a part of who I am.

i think that pretty well answers your question, as far as abandonment goes. my ex and i each said "its over" countless times - neither of us for a moment ever took it seriously, except the first time i said it. relationships of all kinds require boundaries. if we have weak boundaries, or dont maintain them, we send a message that theyre not to be taken seriously.

did you know your belonging exchange texts were just an opportunity to see her?


i think youre looking at this from either your perspective, or what you imagine a "normal" person would be experiencing. its natural, i did it too. theres a lot i couldnt comprehend. my ex would literally have me start her bath water cause she liked the setting i chose. we were virtually never apart from each other for nearly three years. everything in the world was reminding me of her, surely she was experiencing the same (she wasnt. she was experiencing what she was experiencing - very different than i)

its a big difference you highlight, though. nastiest break up youve had could have resulted in you being painted black. the length of time may play into object permanence issues, and the thought of seeing you may be too strong a trigger. im speculating, though. you may never know the real answer.


what she thinks may change on a dime for a variety of reasons: unstable sense of self, impulsivity, immaturity, etc.

trying to predict her at this point though, is futile and will keep you stuck. what i essentially meant is that past behavior is often (not always) a strong indicator of future behavior. couple that with certain dos and donts when it comes to an ongoing relationship with someone with BPD. when youre in it, you begin to anticipate certain responses, and youre quite often right. many of us learn to walk on eggshells as a result.


i think if you want to have a successful relationship with a new gal, these are the sorts of things that must be (emotionally) resolved. how long have you been out? how long have you been seeing the new gal?

Thanks for getting back to me once removed,

Yes I think I showed weak boundaries, at least up until the last month of our relationship, by then I was detaching and leaving when she had episodes. But it was obvious to me, the only way to stay in this relationship, or maybe any BPD relationship, long term is to have weak boundaries. I set boundaries every time something happened between us. She would find new ways to push them. The only boundary I could have was to end it, nothing else would have ever been successful.

And to answer your question yes I was using the exchange of belongings as an excuse for us to be face to face. I knew it and she knew it too, she told me she did. After any "break up" we had, I would come up for the exchange then we would change the subject, ignore why I came, and pretend like whatever happened never did and fell back to how we were before. We never really resolved anything.

Just based on your experience and my posts do you believe as far as abandonment goes she doesn't believe this is the end and she thinks my asking for my belongings was re engagement? And she either doesn't want to or is punishing me for some reason?

I know and have seen on here that BPD read people well, she never said anything but maybe she saw me emotionally detaching and that caused her preemptive strike. You're right I don't know what she's experiencing, I know she has gifts, pictures, and my things all over her place that are emotional triggers. Whether I'm painted black is hard to say. She never seemed consistent with her splitting. She hated her first boyfriend at a time now they're friends, she went back and forth hating her ex husband then wanting him back. She could treat me terrible for a week or two then I'm the greatest thing ever, nothing ever stayed black or white consistently, there was never one bad guy, one good guy, it went back and forth constantly. The thought of seeing me may be a strong trigger I agree, but in what sense? Good, bad, just emotionally?

Very true that the past can predict the future. The past shows reengagement has happened with everyone, me, other boyfriends, her ex husband, even flings. Every one of her long relationships has had at least one long break up, most more than that, ranging from 5 months to four days. She's even known some were seeing people during these break ups and still got back together, although I suspect she was too. Do some BPD's function like this? They have one person long term to reengage with and keep doing until they eventually stops it?

You're definitely right about things changing on a dime. Last year we broke up 10 days before my birthday things were horrible between us several weeks preceding that, then she reengaged 6 weeks later missing me and gave me a big birthday present, saying she bought it before we broke up but never gave it to me and she often looked at it and thought of me. Eventually I got the truth, she hadn't even bought the present until after my birthday, when we were broken up! She probably bought it only when she knew she would see me again. How weird is that? And especially to make up this whole story that wasn't even true. So not only did her view of me change on a dime she tried to manipulate me into believing this "romantic story".

At this point you guys here are how I emotionally resolve things. Its slow progress sometimes and feels like most other people don't understand why. Sharing here has been the best decision I've made to heal from this.

I've been seeing my new girl for 6 weeks. We have dated before about 4 years ago. So there's no pretense. Unfortunately I miss the excitement and not knowing of a new exciting relationship. At this point I'm questioning if I'm only with her as a rebound or a perfect way to make my exBPD jealous. I keep refraining from trying to play those games but sometimes it feels like it would be so satisfying. I guess I'm not healed enough to make any rational decision, I just need time and support to get there.

Once again thank you, sorry for my consistent long posts but sometimes I add details so someone here can see and feel like they have someone who's been there right in the same situation, well guys I have, we are all here for each other. Peace and blessings.

on the contrary, a relationship with someone with BPD requires firm and consistent boundaries. pwBPD tend to lack their own, and they need a strong example. they arent a guarantee, and a person with BPD will tend to test our boundaries. it tends to be pretty tricky if youre trying to set them after the fact (they will likely be met with an extinction burst), and the thing about boundaries is that they are for you, not to manage the behavior of another.


Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

More Information and Member Discussion on Boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)

BOUNDARIES: Case studies (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=132527.0)


there is no way for me to know what is in her head, but she has stated she would prefer no contact. again, take this at face value.



"read people well" is somewhat misleading. people with BPD are hyper vigilant for any sign, real or perceived, of abandonment. this is a distorted view, so while they are hyper in tune with it, its not an accurate reading of people. that doesnt preclude your theory that she observed that you were emotionally detaching and reacted though. you also highlight the fact that there is no one size fits all and that all of our partners, in each of their relationships, are different. black and white thinking may manifest differently, but its the generalization, that people with BPD tend to hold a black and white view of the world and other people, that you want to keep in mind.


suffice to say the thought and the prospect is unpleasant for her.


i think youre just describing a history of unstable relationships (a key diagnostic criteria for BPD). this can manifest in any number of ways for a person with BPD, or anyone for that matter. relationship recycling, in general, is normal (about 62% of relationships recycle). its when it gets into multiple relationship recycles that it drifts into unhealthy territory. if something major doesnt change in at least one party, how can the relationship?


that does tend to take the wind out of those romantic sails. frankly though im not sure which version id believe, if either. what you are describing feels very manipulative, and it is, but what was motivating it on her end was emotional survival and maintaining an attachment, as opposed to deliberately trying to pull the wool over your eyes. that doesnt make it any better, or any more mature certainly, but it does help explain what drives such behavior.


im glad youre getting the support you need, KarmasReal. its what we are here for, and through learning about BPD, there really are ways of making some sense of the insensible, but theres a lot of information, and its difficult to digest in a short period of time. have you had a chance to read the article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD, or the lessons we have here? it helps to absorb the information in bits at a time. seeing a therapist is also highly recommended - bpdfamily is meant to supplement, not replace, a relationship with a therapist.

Surviving a Break-up with Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf)

LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0)


whyd you split up the first time? why are you back together?