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had a therapy session yesterday, It made me remember a comment made by my Ex. I didn't actually remember the comment until I was about to go to sleep, it kept me up for a good 2 hours because I was fuming... .


When I confronted my ex over the phone about very inappropriate pictures with another man on instagram, she instantly told me he was a gay friend and that was all. Because of the speed of her reply I was convinced this person was who she said he was, lo and behold he turned out to be my replacement and in his eyes, they were a couple at the time of this conversation.

What I remember was the next day she sent me a message saying "Thank you for believing me and trusting me yesterday, I would have been very disappointed in you if you had thought I was cheating" I simply replied "Of course I believed you, you are my wife" No reply from that (Shame?)

Anyways on top of this, I now know she had cheated on me previously (I only found this out 3 weeks ago) so remembering getting that message last night really made me realise the callousness of her illness and how easily a BPD can manipulate you to achieve their goals.

Getting angry has really helped squash any nostalgic feelings I have, especially today. I'm not sitting here In a rage or anything, just maybe feeling good about how lucky I am to be almost free from this mess. Cheers to moving another step towards freedom.

I don't remember how many months it was after weekly, sometimes more, sessions with my T where he suddenly exclaimed, "you're angry, good! You have a right to be." I think up until that point that I was being overly-analytical. I forget which expert said it, but it was observed that BPD relationships can be especially hard on people who tend to be more analytical.

[raises hand]

This makes sense. I'm learning that the trauma is seated in the emotional part of our brain. The more analytically or rationally we approach the problem, the more able we are to understand the trauma, but the less able we are to touch and heal it.

I'm discovering in my CODA group that most of us are more rationally oriented. It makes sense, BPD are masters of the trauma bond. They use it to control spouses and children, and rationally minded individuals are less able to deal with this trauma.

There are ways to connect with our emtional side. One is through a technique called focussing, where we can learn to experience and invite the suppressed emotions to the surface. When I tried this, I experienced emotions I had been suppressing for decades.

That sounds fascinating, Moselle. Maybe you can start a thread and tell us more about it.

Good to hear you are moving forward. Lots of these little things come back to haunt us. What seemed innocent enough back then now falls into place to reveal the facts of the matter. Once all these are processed the road to recovery turns into a freeway for clear passage to a healthier life.

I'm sorry she did that to you, but I'm glad that you've recognized that she is not good for you.

I actually experienced a very similar thing yesterday.  Two friends sent me screenshots of him and some woman he met on Instagram (she doesn't live in the same city and was just visiting for two days). He was tagged in the photo and liked it that's how some of our mutual friends saw it. I couldn't help myself and confronted him about it. It was more of a nudge to untag himself, to have more respect for the situation that we are currently in. He of course was denying that he was tagged LOL. So silly. They really believe their own lies and version of events.

My T has told me the same thing several times.  My 20 year marriage is a complex problem that I have tried to break down/solve so many times that I have become exhausted.  I am an engineer and analyze big data on a daily basis, its in my nature to find solutions, and I am never afforded the opportunity to just give up or just report in that, "I have tried my best, sorry I just cannot give you a solution."  This analytical thinking has definitely been a hinderance to my ability to let go, in the end I appear to be able to take such irrational and irresponsible behaviors from my stbBPDex and break it all down, typically in a way that suits me and makes me comfortable with the conclusion, which usually means saving the whole mess and getting my family back together.  I have been doing this for so long, and hence why giving up makes me feel like a failure at my core.

I find that very interesting as someone that is very analytical for most things.  I have been told that I over analyze my wife.  That would lead me to not take action against whatever she had done to me.  Only within the last few weeks have I started pushing back without analysis.  I still do it though.

I could split an atom with how much I divide and conquer a problem dealing with my wife.  lol

Would anyone know of good resources of being able to shut off analysis when it is more of a weakness?

I saw mention by Moselle of the rational people in his CoDA group.  Does CoDA go over people that over analyze as part of its program?

Hi Zon.

Its not part of the program. We had a cognitive session on mindfulness and the intersection between the emotional mind and the rational mind. Our particular group, 10 of us realised that we, everyone in the group in fact had problems on the emotional mind side and were quite comfortable on the rational side. It might just be our group, but we did wonder if its a wider trend amongst co-deps.

I think its important to.see your wonderful rational mind as a gift, a talent, whidh helps you do well in the worplace , or in finance lol.

But its not  a geat help when it comes to relationships.  A highly developed emotional mind is useful there. Devlop both.  They are both important

I do love my mind for my job and many other things.  I am only thinking :) that it would be nice to self-monitor it better for dealing with relationships.

Mozelle+CrazyNPDBPDwife=15YearsOfRollercoaster^2  :)