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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: confusedbloke on May 18, 2016, 04:32:06 PM



Title: The 180 plan
Post by: confusedbloke on May 18, 2016, 04:32:06 PM
Thought Id share this... .

Its not so relevant in our particular situation as this is aimed at those trying to move on from the split with a "normal" partner.  I did this plan when my ex wife (non BPD) left me a couple of years ago... .And my goodness did it work... .  I think theres some good lessons we can learn from this - even when dealing with BPD.  Trust me, it works.  Im using it now.  Ive been split from my exBPDgf for 4 weeks and Im stronger than ever... .We need to take control of our lives and I hope this will help.  Its really comforting that we are all in the same boat.  I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for this forum... .and plus its saving me £1000's in therapy  :)

The idea is that if you adhere to this, then your ex will come back (Purely non BPDers!), or you will move on with your life.  We do not need BPD in our lives.  We are nice people that love.  The only way (and I see it now) to be with a BPD is if they get up off their lazy asses and get therapy (which they wont).  So look for the latter option.  have a read and see what you think.  Its exactly what Im doing now... .enjoy :)

The 180... .

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back.  Don’t always be so available…for anything!  Your spouse will notice.  More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.  Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper.  No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER.  No show of temper!  Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control.  YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).  In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.  Hear what it is that they are saying!  Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation.  No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you.  Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.  It’s not always about you!  More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see.  Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable.  Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid.  Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.  It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent!  It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.  This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual.  Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.  Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


Anyway - I hope you liked it.  Its exactly what Im doing now

! :)


Title: Re: The 180 plan
Post by: once removed on May 18, 2016, 05:03:18 PM
from what i read, the gist is:

if you want your ex to come back, dont over pursue, project confidence, give space, maintain boundaries, and your dignity.

if you want (or have no choice but) to detach, stop reaching out if its making things worse, take care of yourself, and get back to your daily life.

most of it pretty good advice, and focuses on personal responsibility. a lot of it, the kind of stuff/skills we teach on the Saving board and the Detaching board.

have you had the chance to read the Lessons here? if not, i encourage you to add them to your plan. you can find them directly to the right or jump here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0


Title: Re: The 180 plan
Post by: confusedbloke on May 18, 2016, 05:21:16 PM
Hey Once,

Yeah that's pretty much it.  My goal when my ex wife left was to get her back.  So I followed the plan in the hope she would, and as it progressed and the more confidence I gained, the more I realised we weren't right. It was brilliant to realise that!  But one thing I do know is that for the rest of our lives we will be trusting friends. My exBPD lived with that... .must have been a nightmare for her... .but a normal person would deal with that and not think anything of it... .and that was a nightmare for me... .But I didn't know anything about BPD. What was nothing to me, was the end of the world to her.  And that's what its like with everything... .Its too much.

My goal for my exBPD is really the last half of what I said. I want to move on.  Shes not good for me, so Im following the "rules" of what it says but not to get her back, but to move on... .

Thank you for the links :)