BPDFamily.com

Her birthday came and went. I controlled myself from contacting her. However, I still get urges to make contact. I'm feeling conflicting emotions that make me want to contact her:

-I legitimately miss her. I want to send an "I miss you text."

-I'm angry with her for hurting me. I have an impulse to send a text saying, "how could you have done that to me?"

-She has something of mine. I want to text her to get my stuff back.

However, I've come to the conclusion that that is what she wants: I'm assuming the "do not contact me again" comment was a test or a game. For whatever reason, such as control, attention, etc, she WANTS me to react emotionally. If I do so, I "lose."

Thoughts?

If she has said do not contact her. Then don't.  I'm learning that people with BPD do not respect push overs.  Try to get this girl out of your head.  Mines in my head all the time.  But uve had a great night tonight. Done the pub quiz, told a woman that she's attractive and and a chat. Get these people out of our heads. They're not bad people,  they're just mentally ill. Don't keep trying to rationalise them. Let them be... .:)

Easier said than done. They say you have 50,000 thoughts/day. 45,000 of them probably deal with her. I'm not going to contact her, but I don't understand it. It was hurtful and confusing. I didn't deserve that treatment. All I did was treat her with respect and care about her.

Hey sweet tooth,

Congrats on having the self control not to contact on her birthday. I know how hard that must have been. Maybe her no contact is a game, maybe not. But either way you can't play it. As soon as we fall into their game we are toast. She will know she's got you hooked and she can do whatever she wants to you. I know you don't want that. The only thing you can do is hang back. If she does truly miss you she will contact you. And if that happens you will be coming from a place of power not weakness. The previous post is right, BPD's don't like push overs. Mine didn't she knew how she was and needed someone strong to keep her head straight. My ex even told me early on to be assertive and in control. You have to be that way. You have to strong it's important for not only your ex to see that, but for you and your life in general. Stay strong, improve yourself, and you will be much happier. Just remember that!

You haven't been out of this relationship for very long and your thoughts are very justified. 100% of members in this forum were treated the same way you were. The struggle to contact your ex is real. It's what a lot of us deal with or have dealt with. Your original post basically tells you what you need to do. You haven't contacted her which is great. No text of "I miss you" or "why did you do that to me" changes anything that happened or will happen. You know deep down inside she is no good. Yea you miss her, yea she hurt you, but in what way do you honestly think she has changed? Bpd is a serious mental illness that is there for life and only manageable with intense therapy and a willingness to commit to it. Do you think she is able to admit she was wrong, admit to herself she needs help, and put the work into having the life you want with her?

That is why I called her bluff and said "Goodbye" when she told me not to contact her anymore. It was also why I made my case whenever she was being wishy washy with me. I wasn't going to beg, and I often times split decisions with her. If she was incapable of making up her mind about something I jumped in and took control.

She frequently flip flopped about wanting to be friends and more than friends. I felt confused and hurt during those times and didn't have strong boundaries.

She's capable of saying "I'm sorry." She's apologized to me before. She knows she needs help. She's said so. A she willing to put the work in? I don't know. I also don't know if I'll ever hear from her again. The whole situation sucks. I can't even really look at another woman that way right now.

I made the mistake of assuming this once as well.  I was swiftly threatened with a restraining order.

I had the "pleasure" of my ex wanting me back for about two hours.  After that he went nuts and started threatening me with a restraining order again.

Please keep in mind that even when it seems like a disordered person "realizes" something, you are only a hair's breadth away from square one again at any given moment.  Once you've triggered her, it will take much, much less to trigger her again.

My advice would be to let it go and not contact her.  It's not worth finding out what will happen.

The restraining order creates both control and attention. When you contacted him you gave him what he wanted.

The main reason why I haven't contacted her is because she told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband. If there is even a very slim possibility of that happening to me, I won't take the risk. However, it's still very hard emotionally.

So you are on the leaving board, she has told you no contact, and fear of  a restraining order is your reason for not reaching out to her?

Where are you in all of the mate? What's your end-game? Today was a huge trigger day, my anniversary was last month... .we both got through this it's a bloody awesome accomplishment! More will come up but you handled yourself very well, be proud!

You post some amazing lines on here about realising the truth of your partner, accepting them for they are and still being able to care and show empathy. I liked one so much I quoted it to a friend in an email! But are you detaching? Are you actually still clinging on for dear life, even though you have posted about accepting the reality of your situation?

You have been a source of inspiration for me personally with my own detachment, why don't you read some of your posts, maybe you will inspire yourself through a couple of rough days  :)

It creates control of a trigger.  That's what we are to them.  Of course they want to control their triggers.  There's a huge difference between that and the person wanting you back.

Firstly, well done for not contacting her. Believe me, I am right there with you. The struggle is incredibly real, so chalk that up as a victory for yourself. My ex has a court case coming up where she was sexually assaulted after our break up, and I am in two minds whether or not to send her a text letting her know I am thinking of her.

I probably won't, as my rational head has got very good recently at winning over my irrational heart, particularly having attended counselling. This doesn't stop my feelings of missing her and wanting her back, but it doesn't take away the two years of being physically and emotionally abused.

For reference, I am about 4 months post break up and I am doing ok. I still miss her terribly, and the temptation to message her can become overwhelming but as others have said - what will it achieve opening communication with her?

She tried opening conversation with me recently, and I shut it down immediately. I wanted to ask her how she was, how she is doing, how is she coping with a relapse in to her eating disorder because I do still care about her greatly. But, this doesn't change that she hurt me, cheated on me, punched me, hurled abuse at me. I'm worth MUCH more than a life of that, and so are you.

Just remember everything you are feeling now, everyone else has been through the same so you are not alone.

I too am struggling with self control, even more so since he's back on Facebook and hasn't blocked me.  I know his birthday is sometime in May and wanted to wish him Happy birthday too but as its been 5 weeks NC on his side I have refrained from reaching out.  It would be easier if he blocked me on Facebook as that would send a clear message; I'm like you, are they playing games?  Who knows. but there's one thing for sure, I won't be the one who reaches out first again.  It's his loss. X

I appreciate that. I'm glad I've helped you out. I'm really good at helping other people through their emotional dillemas but I'm incapable of helping myself. My detaching is terrible. I've never been good at that. I think I have an attachment disorder. They say you have 50,000 thoughts per day. If that is true, I probably have 40,000-45,000 about her. I can't go ten minutes without thinking about her. It's an addiction/obsession.

I'm feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance. My head is playing mind games with itself wondering who this person is and how I got here: Did she ever care? Was most of her victimhood fabricated? How could I let this happen to me, AGAIN (not the first person)? Why do these women seek me out? Why can't I have a normal relationship? Why do I terribly miss someone who abused me? Is there a replacement? Will I be contacted again? How will I react? What do I want?

Who initiated NC? Mine flat out told me not to contact her. I respect those boundaries, for my own safety. Why someone would say that to another human being who did nothing but care about them is beyond my realm of comprehension, hence the dissonance. I can't imagine myself saying that to anybody, unless they did something ridiculously foul such as physically hurting me, cheating on me with my best friend, stealing money from me, etc. I just don't understand it. I was raised to treat people with respect and to be kind.

Why don't you block him? My person deactivated her Facebook last year. She creeped my LinkedIn page for awhile, and still might be. She set it to "Private Mode." Very sneaky.

I did for 24 hours then remembered I said I'd always be there for him, so unblocked him again just in case he did ever reach out again, I can't cut him off; I'm too much of an empath for that. I'm sure he's blocked my number or changed his (which he was going to do anyway before we had the spat) so I'm leaving him one door open.  Plus I want to be the bigger person and take the high road and not play childish games.  If he's back on there to purely snoop at my page then let him, he can only see my profile and cover photos; everything else is locked down.

I think you need to give yourself a break dude, seriously I told someone last week they need a day off from thinking about BPD, or at least an afternoon, just bloody do something purely selfish for yourself. I challenged them do it and I told them right now I would do the same, so I sat in bed and spent an entire afternoon eating junk food and playing an old computer game.

You know what? I ENJOYED it. I spent a week playing it and this week, I have been pleasantly surprised about my positive attitude. Yes I still constantly dwell on my ex too. But staying distracted helped temper the revolving door style of questions we all seem to get stuck on.

It seems you are still stuck in feedback loop of negative thoughts. I bet you know these thoughts don't really matter, only you matter now (I'm telling you this anyways).

You raise good questions about yourself, these questions probably need answers so you don't fall into the same trap. Do you identify as co-dependent, are there FOO issues you might have unresolved?

A strategy I'm working on this week, is when I think about my Ex (I ALWAYS call her my Ex in my head now too) no matter if it is a positive/negative thought, I'll quickly remind myself that she is a liar/cheater/manipulator (regardless of her illness) and then instantly think about me and of a reason(s) I fell into this relationship.

This still allows me to think about her, but for a shorter time and I'm forcing it back to me, even if it's the same damn thoughts again and again I'm directing it back to me, because now we are single that's all that really matters.

Listen to your own advice, you have a lot of wisdom and once again, go easy on yourself.

I wouldn't automatically assume that it's a test at all.  It may not be.  She may very well have meant exactly what she said at that time.

You are doing the right thing by not contacting her, as per her wishes.  The time should also help you in the long run to detach.

Look after yourself

Yes, she might have meant it. Just like she might have meant that I was "marriage material" (her words). That's what creates the cognitive dissonance. There are so many inconsistencies. What should I believe? Will she come crawling back? Do I want her to?

I'm in emotional crisis. I really am. It's torture.

I did. The last time we saw each other, she was quite frankly vile to me, days after telling me she missed me and wished we could have sorted it out. So, I said to her calmly that I couldn't see or speak to her anymore, I wasn't ready to have that level of contact with her, walked out of her life and in to my new one, and haven't looked back.

It is awful hearing those things, but try to understand that it is an illness, one that doesn't lend itself to rational thinking. You are right, someone you love wouldn't say that to you, but unfortunately this 'demon' that controls their thoughts doesn't love you.

I still have thoughts about my ex, many times a day. Sometimes they tempt me to pick up the phone, sometimes they make me angry. But, as time goes on and I maintain NC the thoughts are losing their colour.

Like you said: the inconsistencies. Two days before mine dysregulated (TWO!) she was telling me how we have to go to the beach again soon, how awesome I am, and how we've had so many good times together. It was a shock to go from that to, "I need space. You don't even know me." It's STILL shocking 3 months later. It's beyond my comprehension how someone can flip a switch like that.

We had the first and last argument a year ago this week. Our relationship was over, we both agreed on that. We were on vacation at the time. There followed five days of me trying to soothe him after he had a sort of mini-fit, like toddler but not violent, followed by his depression. As soon as we were on the boat home he changed; hugging me, touching me, smiling and laughing, talking about when we returned to that country.

I was also shell-shocked after the argument, trying to cope with my grief and trying to come to terms with the end of what I'd thought would be happy ever after.

When his behaviour changed, 180 degrees, on the boat home, my brain was reeling. Is what I am describing his dysregulating? Push/pull? I am confused, I'm thinking about it  because it is the anniversary of these events.

I felt like Alice at the tea table with the Hatter and dormouse. Nothing made sense.

So his behavior changes in reverse... .? You both decided it was over and then he became lovey-dovey? See, this is what I fear: what if a month, six months, a year from now she does something like that to me? I'm sure you're asking yourself the same thing... .

It's always at the back of my mind sweet tooth because we live six streets away from each other.

I've been eight months no contact and blocked him on FB and didn't reply when he returned something to me in December. But he saw me in the street early April and called out to me. I was boundaried, polite - we had a ten minute conversation and as I said goodbye, raising my hand, he brushed his palm against mine. It felt intimate. He spoke to me as if we didn't have a past relationship and also extended the conversation.

So I am hyper vigilant because I think that attempt to break nc, if it ever happens, will not be by email or phone but by him relying on a chance meeting. (He's stubborn and proud.) I have been very self controlled, not sending birthday or Christmas greetings, not getting into discussion with friends of his, although I have been pumped.

I've never been able to make sense of his behaviour after the argument and on the boat trip home. Any comments?

That is bizarre. Very bizarre. Sounds like games to me.

Games; that's what I thought as well sweet tooth. But I've been told they don't play games as we recognise them; it's part of the BPD mind.

But I don't know what to make of his behaviour - I guess I'm dwelling on it because it is the year's anniversary and it still makes no more sense to me now than it did then. Part of the BPD puzzle.

I don't know if it's conscious manipulation, dysregulation or push/pull or maybe all three.

If you read my post on KharmasReal thread about why we stayed, I think it was a trauma bond, a year ago it floored me and I never want to revisit that. So because of the circumstances of what I think was a trauma bond, I'm hyper vigilant. Not scared of him, but hyper wary of my reaction if he ever tries to recycle. That's why I exercise self-control.

Yea. I read up on trauma bonding. It creates an addiction; the addiction changes brain chemistry. It's scientifically proven. Scientists performed studies on rats with intermittent reinforcement. They keep looking for tye cheese, not knowing when it will come. It creates anxiety in the rats, too, and changes their brain chemistry.

I think he's working you, just like mine with the LinkedIn monitoring. Is in intentional manipulation? That I cannot say. I'm not a mind reader. Are you emotionally afraid of him?

I'm not physically afraid of mine. I see her as the type to become violent. However, I wonder about the ex-husband: I originally room her at her word that he was abusive. Now that she has emotionally abused me, intentionally or otherwise, it makes me wonder if she, in fact, was the abuser and he's the victim. Is she ruining him financially? What is his mental health like? I considered contacting him or someone in his family to get his side of the story. I decided doing so was too dangerous and might potentially hurt their kid. I don't want to do anything that would potentially indirectly hurt the child. I also don't want to create unnecessary drama for myself in case it ever came back to my ex. There would be no turning back from that.

Hi Sweet tooth

Yes, I think you are right, he is playing me. Even more reason to be wary and steer clear in nc.

I think no contact is the most effective means we have to break  addiction/trauma bond. That's why, on your original post about  birthday greetings, I advised not to send them.

It's a natural humanitarian instinct to want to tell someone when you think another is at risk but best not to in your case. It could open a can of emotional worms that won't help and could be damaging to you. It also hinders the effects of nc because in a roundabout way, it's keeping your emotional wound open.

I read up on trauma bonding. One article said that if you maintain strict nc  the bond is loosened by about 27% after six months nc. I'm 8 months and I'd say that's accurate in my case. No figures were given about whether the recovery rate increases or decreases in future months. But it does get better, I know that. So keep on keeping on - nc is the way forward.

I agree that it's not games.  From a sane mind it looks like it's manipulation and playing games, but it's the way they are.  Their minds work so differently to ours.

When I was deep in FOG I was convinced mine was playing all sorts of games.  Now, being out of FOG, I realize it wasn't games at all.  My pwBPD does things that don't make much sense to me, but make full sense to them.  It's not a game to them, it's how they cope with life, and people in their lives.

 

Well sweet tooth; I woke up in a bad mood and felt close to calling my friend out on his BS which I refrained from and blocked him on FB for my own sake.  So I suppose I'm in a slight position of power whereby I chose to block him.

My self control to rage at him was high so I did damage limitation and blocked him.  I'm hurt and angry that out friendship is no more because the one time I stood up for myself and told him he was selfish and disrespectful he cut me off, despite him continually moving the goalposts on how I could communicate with him and his inappropriate behaviour towards me for the last 10 months.

Hope you are feeling better today.

^^ This.  Many people on this board assume that the person wants to be "chased."  This is not always the case.  It was not the case with my ex.  Trying to find out nearly cost me over a thousand dollars in legal fees.  Besides that, it doesn't help your own healing to second guess everything your ex says.  It's easy to infantilize these individuals because they are disordered, and assume that they have no idea what they want.  While they may be indecisive and struggle with their identities, assuming that you need to make their life decisions for them or give them what they "really" want is a step too far over any other person's personal boundaries.  If I were you, I'd assume that she doesn't want to hear from you, process that as the "closure" at the end of the relationship, and move on.

I think that's what it's about. It's about regaining control of the situation... .and control of your life.

I ended the relationship... .she's always been the one to dump her exbfs.

I blocked her on fb.

I ignored a text she sent me.

I'm getting on with my life.

I allow myself to cry when necessary.

I allow myself to be happy without her.

It's only been a month the or so but already I feel relief that I'm not in that ridiculousness anymore. I feel a great weight has been lifted. That's not to say I don't miss her, coz I do. But I'm regaining control and the more I practice this... .the sooner I will forget about her and I will be free.

Stick to it. We can do this :)