BPDFamily.com

This is my first post but have been reading threads for a while.

My wife has undiagnosed BPD. We have been together for 1 1-2 years. It has been an emotional roller coaster since day one. I am and have always been a very calm non confrontational person. All the fighting was something I had never experienced. Recently things have escalated because she is convinced I do my love her differently than my exes, that she isn't special. Despite all the love I show her I constantly feel like it's isn't good enough. I feel like I'm being told all the time how I don't meet her needs. I know its her fear of abandonment and feeling unloveable that causes this but sometimes I just can't take it. How much can I take of being told I'm not good enoug? I know there is no point in rationalizing with a PwBPD but sometimes I just lose it and engage her and it never ends well. I told myself I was meant for her because of my calm understanding personality and nobody else could deal with her but at what point do I put myself first? I'll feel like I'm at a point to let things end but I find myself trying to work things out knowing days later we will argue about the same thing. I know that engaging and defending myself is pointless but sometimes I just don't want to take her ___. I try to set boundaries as I've read that is important but I am never able to follow through. One major problem is that when I know things are escalating and I try to take a break so we can cam down she refuses to let the conversation end. How can I convince her to let us take a break from an escalating conversation?

No, it does not end well. Many of us fail here often.

Validation is the best course of study.

Hi Picasso. Welcome. I can really relate to everything you say here. I've been in my relationship around the same amount of time as you, and I am also a very calm and non-confrontational person by nature. I had never experienced the kind of conflict (both frequency and intensity) I have with my current partner.

As for your question above, I have learned the hard way that you cannot "convince" her of this. My wife does the same thing - she always wants to get the last word in and will not let a conflict die. Sometimes the only solution is an enforced break. Go for a short walk. Go do some shopping. Go to the gym. Reassure her that you'll be back and you can discuss things further once things have calmed down. And then just walk out and don't take the bait if she tries to argue about it.

She may get even angrier initially, but over the longer term this will benefit you.

hi Picasso and *welcome*

youve gotten some good advice so far. what keeps you from following through with the boundaries you set?