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So we broke up, great, I was doing fantastic. Then I fell for her messages and started replying, next thing I know we're chatting on the phone (talking dirty), a month or two go by and we started seeing each other in person.

The closer together we got, the more we talked, the worse it got. We had probably about 5 fights about nothing at all really. It's always about her and her crazy crap that she can't deal and push it on to me.

Take it this morning, we were talking dirty on the phone and I get a phone call on the land line, I answered it. It was from the post office announcing the arrival of my highly expected monitor. I was happy as heck, so when I heard the girl announcing her self "Hi, this is X from the post office" I immediately replied, "Hi X", but I was ecstatic because of my package, so you could hear it in my voice.

After I hung up the land line my BPD-ex starts questioning the way I said hi to that girl, "Couldn't you have said it on a duller tone? That hi sounded like hi to a dear friend from my perspective", that crap went on and on.

A couple of things happened during this fight:

* I Jaded, jaded the crap out of a pointless argument and it got progressively worse.

* She threatened to end whatever is left of our relationship.

* She said she doesn't deserve to be with someone who is over friendly with girls.

* She hung up on me when I called her crazy (I called her back because I was raging, she said she hung up because she doesn't deserve to be called crazy, but I deserve to hear her crazy crap?).

* After I successfully calmed her down I started thinking "What am I doing with my life?"

I'm codependent in treatment, I have very low self-love. This is not healthy for me to latch on, but somehow I can't quite shake it off. I have feelings for her, tons of feelings. How can such a frail little girl torment me like that?

I'm probably going back to avoid JADEing, I was doing it near the end of our live-in relationship.

I also keep thinking that I'm only clinging to her because I'm afraid to be alone and have no validation of my self-worth through another. But that's something I have to dig deeper with my therapist.

I had to get this crap out of my chest.

maddlove,

I can know where you're coming from.  Sometimes, it actually helps to remind yourself of just how damaged they are.  I know it probably doesn't feel like that right now, but it may in a few months. 

I've seen this with me, with my BPD friend's exes, with her friends, and with her mom and dad.  All I have to do is go to the list of people she friended on FB in 2015 and look at two things: how many people she's no longer friends with and how many people also show up on the list of people she friended in 2016.  I don't know about you, but my number of friends always goes up.  It never fluctuates.  As my BPD friend's mom once said, "It takes a lot for someone to unfriend or block someone.  There has to be a reason."  I checked my old account a few months ago, before deactivating it.  I hadn't been on there since college, so almost 10 years.  And yet, I still had all of the same friends on there.  So, even though I never posted anything, they obviously had no reason to unfriend me because they know I'm a good person.  Just this year, her mom, stepbrother, ex-boyfriend, and I were all friended again after being blocked, most of us for months.  The ex is now out again, after a brief 2-week reunion, during which he looked either bored or annoyed in almost every picture. 

Probably the best example of this was last summer, just weeks after she wrote me a letter (I had been painted black for months) about how she was going to get treatment and about how she was on a journey to become a better person.  A few weeks later, she was no longer moving to where she was going to enter a treatment program, had broken up with the guy she was convinced she was going to marry, and was out on a date with some other guy two days after the break up.  We talked for a month after that, until something I said made her blow a gasket, and I was blocked again. 

So, it doesn't matter what they say.   Most of the time, even after they've had a moment of realization that they need help, they go right back to thinking that they're fine. 

And remember, even if we are painted white, there's always that memory of how we were painted black and why, and they are just looking for a reason to paint us black again.  And even if we weren't painted black when a breakup happened, there was obviously a reason why the breakup happened in the first place, and that's not going to go away until it's resolved.  And with a pwBPD, it will never be resolved because pwBPD can't own up to their actions. 

Deep down you know that any contact with her is not going to help you, right?

Do you have it in you to say "no contact", at least while you're in therapy? Do you have it in you to block her from all forms of contact while you give yourself time to heal?

I understand your points about low self love and fear of being alone but until you build yourself up I doubt you will be in a strong and safe position to deal with her. Any dealings with her undo the work you've done in therapy = waste of money = lost time and longer to heal.

I would hope that therapy will help to direct you to a happy place where you can say, "I don't need this sh!t in my life" and be able to deal with your situation form a position of strength. This is best achieved with no contact.

Hey madlove, Only you can decide when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  Until then, be prepared for drama and more drama.  She's along for the ride so it's unlikely that she will get off first.  You probably know this already, but she's using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate you.  You're only a hostage to this sort of emotional blackmail as long as you let it get to you.

LuckyJim