BPDFamily.com

I came across this on someone's webpage about recovering from a BPD relationship, he suggested to memorize it and I thought it was really helpful when I had doubts. I didn't bookmark it so could not reproduce it exactly.

1. He/she will not change.

2. You cannot fix his/her problems.

3. Things were really bad.

4. You cannot be friends with him/her.

5. He/she will continue to abuse you as long as you allow it.

6. The things that he/she said were all your fault, were all lies.

7. The good moments do not make up for all the bad ones.

8. He/she does not love you.

9. You deserve someone better.

10. Your life is happier without them.

Maybe there there can be more to add.

Is that really true for you?  I was far from perfect in my relationship, and digging into our own behavior, and more importantly the beliefs around that behavior, is where all the growth is as we detach.


Think about how it was when the relationship started, how you felt about it then, like maybe this person was appropriate for you at the time, like how you were equals and right for each other.  Turned out to not be true, and in order to deserve better, how can we become better?  What changes do we need to make?  In what areas do we need to grow?  Owning that and taking it to heart, and using it to become a better version of ourselves, is the gift of the relationship.

I definitely wasn't perfect. However the constant message being put across did make me feel/believe sometimes that it was my fault, when it clearly wasn't.

Better for me is someone who is able to appreciate me as who I am and what I stand for. Someone who has respect for others and themselves.

Hi LifeIsBeautiful,

Thanks for sharing.  I think some of the items on the list may be worded in a way that's oversimplified.  I can also understand how that bluntness could be helpful, for a time, when a person is in the process of detaching.  

Here is an article from this site that I found helpful when I was detaching.  

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)

Where are you at in your healing process, LifeIsBeautiful?  :)o you feel ready to look at yourself to discover what it was that drew you to a relationship with a pwBPD?

eeks

Yes I understand it is not applicable for everyone or every situation. I am still in the process of healing, or trying to heal as I had to deal with psychological and physical attacks on a regular basis. The difficulty I face is the "after shock" effect; disbelief at what I went through, things I never could have imagined. Isn't that some form of PTSD? How do you recover from it?

Having a "fixer" tendency, probably due to the nature of my work, had worked against me in the relationship, as I tend to be attracted to things/people that needed it. Naivety on my part alas a rude awakening.

Hey LIB-


Yes, it can be PTSD, I was diagnosed with PTSD after I left her, it's helpful to be careful with the labels though; someone with PTSD can become a "PTSD sufferer" which is an identity, and a Disorder can be a "thing" we have, when really, we went through some sht with someone who abused and/or disrespected us, the worst part of which is it touched the deepest parts of ourselves, rocked us to our core, and it's not what happened that ultimately matters, it's what we do with it.

Of course you can go talk to a professional, up to you to decide, and best to shop around since all therapists are not created equal, but once you choose one, dive all the way in.  And then there are countless great books, many reviewed on this site, and one that has helped me immensely is Complex PTSD, from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, which isn't specifically for folks dealing with borderline fallout but trauma in general, and it speaks to me well, which is the key: find one you connect with.


There's a difference between fixing and helping, and there's also a matter of degree; when we put someone else's needs ahead of our own, to such a degree that our own needs no longer matter, or even further, we gain a sense of identity by being a 'fixer', it's called codependency, not healthy.  But helping is a good thing, a very good thing, humans are social animals.  The challenge shows up when we get with someone who's a bottomless pit of emotional need because they're not well, and we go down that rabbit hole with both feet because of our own wiring, painful combo, but also an opportunity and a gift as we detach from that and move forward with our lives with all that great information about ourselves, some of which we may not have been aware of.


Yes, and at least in my case it took something rude to get through my thick skull.  Ever heard the saying when the student is ready the teacher appears?  Teachers come in unique packaging sometimes, but the lesson is the lesson.

Probably the best thing we can do for ourselves is create an empowering vision for our future; what does that look like for you?  Once we get clear on that vision, we can make it big and bright, so compelling that it pulls us towards it, and then, we can just take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And after a while, as we shift the focus from the past to the future, we notice progress, which builds momentum, and one day we look back and become amazed at how far we've come, and how what we went through now seems like a gift, something we may have needed but certainly didn't want at the time.  It's a brand new world.  Take care of you!