BPDFamily.com

Hey guys thank you all for reading and replying to my posts especially notwendy livednlearned f4rnz and other guys ... .

 

Well long story short u know from reading my posts what the chain of events that happened to me ... .I have dated other girls better women with healthier boundaries ... .yet I find myself longing for my ex

  It's been a year since she left me she could have possibly had relationship/s after me but she isn't married to anyone yet because for her she is too keen on starting a family soon ... .don't know what happened. .she I presume still doesn't have anyone but why is it that she is still mad at me ... .wanting to call the cops on me

 For those of u guys who are new here is a recap of my story these are the old posts

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292752.0;all

Ashwin,

I'm sorry you're hurting, friend. It's been a year since the two of you split and she has threatened to call the police if you contact her. She has even threatened your family and made it clear to your sister that under no circumstances does she want you in her life. This must be very, very painful for you.

Others have written to say that they cannot predict whether your ex will return. I agree -- we cannot know what she will do.

Even so, I don't see the usual pattern of a person with BPD who would rekindle the relationship. Not all people with BPD go through tender cycles. Your ex displays behavior that indicate she has split the relationship black and has moved on.

Remember, too, that people with BPD need someone emotionally stable and strong. The desperation and neediness you feel for her will likely trigger the exact same cycle.

The question is not whether she will come back but what you can do to improve your own mental health in case she does. What have you been doing/learning to try and increase your emotional well-being? Have to read any of the lessons on the site? Have you been to see a therapist and talked about your concerns that you too might have BPD? There is another BPD pairing with dependent personality disorder that can occur too. It might be helpful to learn as much about yourself first before getting in any relationship again so that you increase the odds of having a measure of stability going forward.

I too am thinking along those lines my dear friend livednlearned  I mean she used to tell me that my sister and dad are like her own and now it all changed. . Last time my sister had to tell my ex that incase if I try to contact her she can do what she wants to me ... .my ex seemed satisfied at that point she said "from now on there will be no more warnings I will go ahead and lodge a police report for harassment " ... .I mean here is the girl who used to think the world of me... .

   She herself has knocked down any chances of her ever coming back as far as my family is concerned. ... she also mentioned "I don't ever wish to see him ever again in my life I just hate him to the core... ."

   Well I did consult a shrink and he wanted me to take venlafaxine for a couple of months I wasn't too happy about it. ... .so I didn't take em... .

   I just don't know what to do anymore and plus I don't feel like hooking up with any other girl ... .I know that it's probably my brain tricking mw into thinking that she is the key to my happiness. ... .

     I feel so upset that I don't know what to do anymore ... .I mean those worthless feelings and suicidal tendencies are just trying to sneak into me...

     I don't have to tell u guys as a medical professional I see people dying day in n out ... .I've lately begun to feel really worthless and have been thinking what's the point in living ... .I feel like a total misfit in life

     I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO ADD ONE MORE TRIVIAL DETAIL ... .SHE STILL HASN'T BLOCKED ME ON HER NEW NUMBER ... .is she waiting for me to make a move so she can have her way with me legally? Or is this her way of showing that she is in control? She did block me on her old number before she changed her number but now she isn't even bothered to do that ... .what does this mean guys ... .red-flag

 

This is the point where you'll have to tell yourself: "I won't call her. She better call me."

Based on what you have written, it looks like it's beyond anything YOU can do. This is the time for you to be selfish and do things that you like even if it means not hooking up with other women.

I got back into more serious gaming and going to the gym more again. I'm a medical professional too. As much as it hurts that our exes dropped us out of nowhere, I still have my life to live. In my own dating experience, exes have always tried to come back, one way or another, especially when they realized that they actually treated you like a turd near the end of your relationship. But, by that point, I've long moved on.

Thanks a tonne leonis ... .glad that I am not the only person  who has fallen to the daleks ( androids in doctor who ) haha... .anyways I don't see the reason as to why she hasn't blocked me ... .she hates the very ground that I walk upon... .and especially after what notwendy said I have made no attempts to check in on her by driving past her place ... .but I know that she doesn't have anyone right now ... .I mean it seems that my sister had asked my ex last year sometime in june or July whether she was seeing someone to which she didn't reply at all! So perhaps I gather she was with someone ... .then again in December she threatened to file a police report and also ordered my sister to tell me to stay away from her future husband ... .that was news to me

  What ever happened to that chap lord knows ... .and this is what's baffling me her not blocking my phone number ... .is she really waiting to throw me to the wolves ?

   If that guy too chucked her out she should logically be splitting me white right which she hasn't ... .

Some people just don't care. I don't block people's phone number, etc. The only place they get blocked is Facebook.

If low contact is not even possible with an ex, BPD or not, there's really no chance of working out anything healthy in the long run. My ex hasn't blocked my number too, but I'm to the point of feeling like this OP (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293986.0)'s ex-bf. I just can't deal with the emotional shenanigans unless she gets some help.

Ashwin, your ex clearly stated she did not want you to contact her. She doesn't need to do anything else. Why didn't she block you? Well that doesn't mean she is out to finish you off. It could meant that she expects her word to be sufficient and her boundary to be respected.

None of us here can tell you what she is thinking, but she can speak for herself and she has. She is not doing anything to you. However, continuing to think about this, look for loopholes in her statement, trying to imagine what she is thinking isn't good for you. I am glad you consulted someone for help but the psychiatrist can't help you if you don't accept his advice.

Well I did consult a shrink and he wanted me to take venlafaxine for a couple of months I wasn't too happy about it. ... .so I didn't take em... .


He wanted you to take an antidepressant to help you. But you didn't take them, and now you still feel bad. Since you are a surgeon, look at this this way. Someone comes to you with stomach pain. You decide he needs his appendix out. He isn't happy about that. But he still feels bad and he is hurting. What would you say to him- "please let me help you?".

You are hurting from this, bringing up feelings of worthlessness, and going over things in your mind about her even a year later. Yet, it is possible to recover from this loss- sometimes it takes some help. The psychiatrist has offered help- if you are willing to accept it.

Thank you once again notwendy ... .I just finished deleting her number from my phone for the nth and last time ... .I have taken a firm decision not to re enter her number again nor get any info about her from now on ... .for the past couple of days I have been behaving like a complete dork to my family ... .holding them responsible for the dire straits that I am in now... .I know it's illogical and stupid ... .I really want to turn around and become someone stable and my old self ... .

  Mind u guys I want to get out of this rut ... .and guys please give me all the moral support in here. ...

  LIVEDNLEARNED  thank you for ur post ... .I would appreciate if u could give me ur opinion ... .

  I quote"i wasn't exactly happy with her in my life because of the constant drama and now that she left me I'm miserable " emotions are just a state of mind I get it but this woman has me on  a merry go around sort of a tailspin ... .I need to get out and real quick

Hi Ashwin,

I've been on the boards for a while and have learned a lot from others here who have walked in the same shoes. I've noticed that the people who do best, who truly heal, are the ones who seek professional counseling or treatment while also coming here for peer support. BPD relationships are not just difficult, they are the most difficult. Most therapists who treat BPD sufferers have their own therapists to help provide support. We should too.

The level of intense rumination you are experiencing about her, especially so long after the relationship ended, is a sign that you have some work to do on pulling yourself together. It takes a lot of emotional strength to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD without being emotionally injured. Job number one has to be your own mental health.

There is likely a much deeper grief and sense of loss going on that your ex is a proxy for, and you need to focus on those family of origin feelings and process them with someone who can help you do this difficult work in a safe and supportive environment.

Right now, it's about you my friend. Taking care of yourself and learning to replace destructive habits with healthy habits is a first step. It's not easy to do, it can be like quitting an addiction. People here understand what it's like to do this hard work, it can feel like the evolution of your personality into someone more integrated and whole.

It's good that you deleted her number. It's good that you recognize your family is not responsible for this situation. Maybe apologize?

It's the same as what you said about this woman. She does not have you on a merry go around tailspin. You have yourself on it, and it is of your own creation. Only you can get yourself off the merry go round. You're taking good steps to get that process started.



LnL

Thank you very much madam .the thing is I am a rescuer type and I invariably get taken advantage off... I really need to take appropriate steps to create healthy boundaries and make the best out of my life. ... I swear to god I have created a wonderland for myself and living in it ... .I need to burst that bubble and move ahead with my life. .

     A good friend of mine told me a few months ago that whatever happens family comes first and yes I do know it ... .I mean women come n go but you only have one dad and one sister ... .and to see them happy is what really matters ... .

    I have always been chasing the perfect family dream and this woman led me to believe that my dreams lie with her... .I should have been smarter and not a sucker in the first place. ...

    Notwendy thank u very much ur words were a bit too uneasy to digest but it has done me a lot of good. . I mean she has declared war on me why the hell should I devote a good portion of my time for a woman who is not even bothered to know whether I am alive or not ?  And one more thing I only sought info about her because all those good Samaritans were asking me to stay away from her ... .I wanted to know why ... .

      Ur rite I should focus on myself and try to better myself. ... .I drink everyday to a point I am rendered unconscious. ... .just so that I can sleep. ... as long as I am in the hospital I am different person but outside it am a really depressed individual. ... depression of my own making that is ... .smoking nearly 2 packets of smokes I have been ruining my health ... .

   I really hope that I can turn myself around guys ... .I want to better myself. ... .I cannot be angry at her because now I know she has done it to guys before me come on 6 guys happened to be monsters is it ? Me number 7 is being paraded as lucifer himself to someone now  I am neither happy nor sad at this juncture ... .all what I know is this I did try and wasn't given an opportunity to redeem myself ... .guess it's all for the best

  I was driving home now on a 500km journey and my aunt was with me it seems all of them were upset about my association with this female ... .there a better girls out there I now know fully "no one will ever love u the way I do" isn't going to cook with me anymore. ...

   Yes I am over her one year I did rot to hell but I guess I have a wonderful career to build and family legacy to upkeep. ...

   

   

LIVEDNLEARNED I need to know one more thing after all these people's opinion was I wrong in digging up her past and confronting her about it ... .it's the only thing I am guilty of  I need ur view on the case

 

       

I don't know what it means to be wrong in a human relationship. There is cause and effect.

Sometimes we have to have difficult conversations with our loved ones. My son's father drank himself to oblivion every night. I enabled him to drink this much for most of our marriage. At one point, he began taking prescription pills and drinking, and this tipped things over the edge. I confronted him and after that he split me black. The marriage was over.

Was I wrong to confront him? It had to happen. It was the first step to recognizing my own codependence and the first step to healing. I wish I had know about BPD back then because the confrontation, like a lot of people who live with an love people with BPD, can sometimes come after a long, long time of holding things in. I could no longer be silent.

However, I've learned a lot from friends here about ways to confront that do not escalate conflict. Even with those skills, though, sometimes you have to bring up difficult topics, if only to discuss boundaries.

There is no perfect family dream if we ourselves are not healed.

Ashwin, wondering about digging into her past was already discussed- and to continue to wonder is ruminating.

It is great that you are beginning to move on, but I agree with livedandlearned that getting professional help is a good idea.

You already know you are not Lucifer. In fact, you are Hindu. It is OK to be who you are. You don't need to adopt someone else's belief system. I don't think there is a Lucifer in that. At this point, we can't know what she thinks. The most important thing is what you think. If she thought you were from Mars and had 6 heads, so what- that does not make it true.

I drink everyday to a point I am rendered unconscious. ... .just so that I can sleep. ... as long as I am in the hospital I am different person but outside it am a really depressed individual. ... depression of my own making that is ... .smoking nearly 2 packets of smokes I have been ruining my health ...



What would you say to someone who told you this? You mentioned not wanting to take the medication the antidepressant- as directed by the psychiatrist- because you were concerned that it might affect your ability as a surgeon, so instead you use alcohol? Ashwin, I have to believe you know better- you know what drinking alcohol like this can do to you. You can discuss your concerns with your doctor- and he can help find one with the least side effects to you. Too much alcohol can destroy your health and your career.

Please get professional help. You would not be the only one to do so on this board.

Hi folks it's been 2 or 3 days since I deleted her number  and now I feel like a vampire who has been fasting for a while ... .it's just eating me up from inside out ... .

    I know that this lady doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and there is not a chance that she will charm or re engage at any point ... .I just want to move on and make myself happy again... .

She represents something missing for you. Her absence has made your own pain and grief come to the surface. Often this grief is attached to deeper griefs that can be traced to trauma we experienced early in life. A therapist can help create the safe environment needed to process those feelings so you can resolve them and regain a sense of emotional wholeness.

Emotions are not that different than more material parts of our health. If we neglect them and suppress them or if we have never allowed ourselves to validate them, they can atrophy and become so weak that the physical body suffers.

We are here for you if you want to work on this, and I recommend finding a good therapist to provide professional support in addition to the peer support you can find here.

What do you think about working with a trained therapist? Is this something you can do?

Bro, I'm sorry to read that it's eating you inside out. Like others have suggested, you should consider therapy. In the meantime, I hope you will try doing things you once loved.

I got lucky because my most recent encounter with my ex-fiancée ended up with me feeling how everything about her is ridiculous. Insomuch that I was laughing at myself for getting all worked up about her because of her emotional nonsense and shenanigans.

Thank you once again guys livednlearned leonis and notwendy. ... .I'm feeling much better now ... .and I have really begun to understand that no matter who did what when and how she just isn't the right person for me... .I mean even if she were to come back to me I wouldn't want to rekindle whatever we once had because irrespective of whether she has BPD or not I just cannot go on this way idealizing and discarding nope not my cup of tea... .

   I might have committed grave mistakes in digging up her past ... .but that is a lesson learned ... .I mean it was Murphys law all over everything that can go wrong will go wrong I'd like to add that the sooner it goes wrong the better the prognosis ... .

    I mean my misery and dilemma is of my own making had I jumped into her wishes I guess I would have ended up with a myocardial infarction by now ... .

That said I met another shrink a friend of mine. ... .according to him I am a mild to moderate depressive individual ... .and feels that I need help not in the form of medicines but I quote his words " you need more worldly exposure your problem is that you cannot take stress and u are an emotional person ... .people can and will make use of ur foolishness " I quite didn't understand what he meant honestly guys I went and consulted him just as u people told ... .basically my chap said that I need a reason some stupid reason to ruminate about I kinda felt that it's sort of true ...

 As I said before I have sort of built my self a sand Castle and yeah didn't bother to fortify it ... .I have been enduring this loneliness since childhood ... .in front of people I am a different guy I mean everyone is happy around me I keep them that way ... .but once I am on my own that's when the problems begin ... .I tend to worry a lot even if it's a silly thing. ... .thankfully the only thing I am great at is in the operation theatre ... .

   I mean just a couple of months ago I sort of nicked a couple of vials of atracurium I don't know what made me do it the pain was too much to bear when N... .Y left me I couldn't sleep or eat or do anything thank god I was  doing my laparascopic training I simply wanted to end my life because the way I saw it the idea of a perfect life a perfect wife and a perfect family all crumbled ... .I still to this day don't know why she chose to argue with me and cut me off just like that ... .here was a woman once when I was sleeping I suddenly fell breathless and woke up at the middle of the night she was very alarmed she got up went out running brought me some thing to drink and while I was doing that she started splashing HOLY WATER onto me the room she had genuine tears in her eyes ... .from that to hating the very sight of me ... .and that too all in a matter of months.

    Notwendy you did lose ur cool the other day when I told you that I drove down to her place just imagine  my mind is only and only projecting the stalwart details of hers ... .and all those horrible times poof I don't even recall them I mean to a certain extent. ... .and the attachment to her car is because she used to always always make me drive her car I believe her dad got that car for her when she finished med school and she used to always keep looking at me when I drove ... .she used to say "baby will you take good care of me ? I don't have a father so u must be my dad husband lover and never make me cry" hah isn't that a great feeling when someone portrays so much of admiration love and what else and what not ... .

 She did tell me that she had a very lonely childhood her parents used to neglect her she didn't have anyone as a child her brothers were always busy with their stuff and never used to bother about her ... .her mother used to pick fights with her father and she used to see her father emotionally hurt... .and that she resents her mother for that ... .I believe her mum used to accuse her dad of having relationships on the sly

     NOT WENDY  this is for u I remember u telling me about religion ... .let me tell u yes I may be a Hindu but I studied in a British convent school followed by a roman catholic anglo indian school so I have said my hail Mary's and our father's  ( I hate to admit it but I have even on quite many occasions at  church  in school received holy communions ) so when this girl tells me that her dad was a Hindu and he converted to Christianity for the sake of her mother proving his love for her ... .she wanted me to do that  don't u think its nuts. ... .for a Malaysian of Indian origin to whose ancestor as she proudly used to say were Hindus ... .and mind u she used to go to temples and stuff but why make it a point to make me convert so I told her I had to what I mentioned a short while ago "babe I a  more of a Christian than u can imagine so let's not go there I can recite verses from the Bible that I used to as a little boy which I did ... .but I told her I won't convert ... .mostly because the 3rd guy whom she was dating was a Hindu they were going steady and she did the same thing with him and he bulldozed her notion and eventually they were all ready to get married in the temple "hindu style" haha ... .so my ego didn't allow me to bow down to her whim... .

   So hey coming to the atracurium vials I threw them out this evening I had actually forgotten the whole thing that I had kept it there in the first place. ... .

    Now guys as some of u had suggested that I go thru the boards and help sections which I have done and been doing for quite some time now I do have some questions

  1. She didn't quite like her mum at least that's the impression that she gave  but she was quite scared of her I do not know for what reason?

  2.  She was actually fresh off the bat after another guy well didn't dump her but told her off in a polite manner when we were introduced was I the rebound guy?

 3. Now that she is all the time with her mum and her 2 dogs did she split her mother black while with me and now have I swapped places with her mother on her blacklist?

4. I know for certain that the guy after me left her but why ostracize me now? For her it's house hospital and back no outings she is all the time shacked in with her mum what's going on?

5. 34 year old woman with a string of exes who desperately wants to get married and have kids why is she still single ?

6. It's not my fault that my dad is a  famous state surgeon  and now she is finding it difficult to go out to town because she feels that anyone and everyone are out to tail her to inform me ...

7. I know this is absurd ( notwendy thou shall not bear thy wrath upon me again haha.) Will she if she has BPD split me white ? Or re engage

8.why did she tell me about her parents quarreling and her feeling sad for her poor dad ... .then do the same thing to me ?

9. She says she hates me to the core she hates the very ground that I walk upon and hopes to never see me again ! Does she really mean that? ?

      WELL GUYS IM HEALING AND I AM FAR BETTTER THAN WHAT I WAS JUST DAYS AGO ... .WILL SHE BE BACK LIKE HOW OTHER PEOPLE HAVE EXPERIENCED because if she does "I WANT TO REGAIN MY SELF WORTH AND RESPECT BY PARADING HER AND DUMPING HER "  on that bombshell till next time folks. ...

   

   

Hello guys ... .it's been a while since my last post ... .I am coping well even though at times I get her thoughts ... .I'm very surprised that nobody has thought of replying to the previous post ... .

I'm glad to hear you are coping well, Ashwin. It's understandable that you still think about her. It sounds like she represents an idealized fantasy of perfection for you, and those kinds of fantasies are always hard to give up.

Is there anything in particular that is helping you cope with the feelings of grief and loss?

Hello folks it's been a while since my last post thank you lived n  learned ... .as far as coping mechanism is concerned I am not coping well I would say honestly but I have come to realize that certain things are just not meant to be ... .you were right she is definitely a fantasy ... .I have been visiting my shrink on and off and well apart from making me sit on a cosy sofa with a mug of hot chocolate and pointless jibber jabber I don't think I am making much progress ... .I still go to bed thinking what if ... .so n so !

 

    Where ever she is whoever she is with I just hope wish n pray that she is happy ... .

     I'm just scared of getting involved in a new relationship ... .I feel that I am better off alone ... .

You might feel you are better off alone right now because this is your time for healing.  You will soon know when is the right time to start allowing healthy relationships to enter your life.  Sometimes r/s just don't work out and it isn't anyones fault.  I just think that you seem sad and that breaks my heart for you.  Just keep coming here, as often as you are able to.  Soon you will see how you're going to start feeling alive again.  Sorry you're going through this right now, but the pain will soon past.  Just give yourself sometime to start looking at life through a clearer lens. We are all here for you.

Thank you Audb73 ... .I'm able to function as my old self once again but there are times when her thoughts make me miserable. ... .

  There is just one thing eating me from within. ... .she wanted to get married soon and start a family ... .and it's been over a year now it just doesn't add up why hasn't she gotten hitched yet ? She did bear her fangs ( I'm sorry just a figure of speech ) to me fine but why is it that she is still single. ...   :sign_attn:

Hi Ashwin,

I know psychology sessions can feel like babbling. Even so, they are probably filled with insights for the psychiatrist who is learning how your mind and emotions work. He is probably trying to understand you so he can help you understand yourself.

If you can, pay attention to the themes and patterns that come up around rejection and loss. Maybe figure out what you were dealing with in the moment when thoughts of your ex come up and you begin to obsess. The obsession with her may mask soothing behaviors that solve one problem and cause another, like fixating on someone important to you, who is no longer in your life, to your detriment.

Obsessing like this is likely to scare her. It also makes it harder for you to stabilize, and we all want that for you.

Is that something you can see?

LIVEDNLEARNED  just one quick question are u a shrink?  I mean ur words are spot on ur right I tend to think of her when I'm alone ... .probably because she didn't give me any closure ... .I mean she clearly stated that she wants nothing to do with me to my sibling ... .she could have told me that directly and that would have been an apt closure on its own rather than having me on a long long long leash which is a noose on its own slowly strangling me ... .if it were me I would have chosen not to involve my exe's sibling and would have told her directly to leave me alone. ... .

   I am much stronger and less edgy compared to what I was sometime back... .I do think about her and I can't help it just percolates into me ... .trust me when I tell u I really am trying to forget about her

...

No, I'm not a shrink  :)

Did your ex tell you at any point she was done, and wanted nothing else to do with you or the relationship? If so, what happened?

On the topic you raised of loneliness/being alone... .this is a feeling many people struggle with, so in that regard, you are not alone  :thought:.

Being alone can feel like we are at the end of the world and people will do desperate things to avoid those feelings. Aloneness triggers thoughts of being with her (merger fantasy?) Obsessing about her takes your mind off the aloneness, and it unfortunately creates a secondary problem, which is longing for someone who is no longer there, a problem you try desperately (and unsuccessfully) to soothe. In dialectical behavior therapy, psychologists help people come up with a less harmful alternative to self-soothe. People who self-harm by cutting might instead hold ice cubes, for example-- it provides the same kind of physical intensity (pain) to distract from the emotional intensity (pain) until the moment has passed.

Do you think your psychiatrist might be able to help you come up with a healthier alternative for what happens when you feel alone?

Thank u once again lived n learned u should try a hand at being a clinical psychologist ur way better than my shrink haha... .

   Yes my ex not at one point but many a times insinuated that our relationship was heading to the rocks. ... .I just laughed it off she wanted attention attention and loads of attention which I personally found choking ... .

   I remember her telling me that if her mother ever came to know of this relationship she would start crying and start holding prayer meetings basically I believe her mum would go a little short of ballistic. ...

    right now I have come to just regret the whole episode I mean when I had to come away for a few months that's when she really started taking it out on me accusing me of having flings behind her back ... .calling me a loser , user, abuser ... .her exact words were why the hell did I let u into my life.? How the hell did I let u go overboard with me? You are an ungrateful dog ... .so on ... .more than anything it was her dramas that upset me a lot ... .no offense guys but when I was with her I just wanted out or I longed for that lovely person in her which only emerged at specific intervals. ...

   

Haha that's a nice one madam these days I just visit my shrink to have that awesome steamy cup of hot chocolate which is free of course. ... .
  On the whole my shrink did say that my BPDex (not diagnosed god alone knows why I call her that ) seems like a very impulsive person and given time she will mellow down and try to get back into my circle ... .which till now hasn't happened ... .I did hope wish and pray that his words would come true looks like that option too has turned belly up ... .
   I FORGOT TO TELL U GUYS SOMETHINGS back when we were together she persuaded me to keep her passport size photo in my wallet and also the first movie we went together she wanted me to keep that ticket in my wallet I have been having that all along till now I just wish that she initiates some sort of contact just so that I can give these back to her ... .
     She had also taken my photograph and kept it in her wallet which she duly returned to my sibling when she dumped me in my corporeal absence ... .
      I don't think that I will ever get that closure. ... .my shrink on the other hand is very hopeful about the same ... .
       I have tried time and again to see other people ... .and have gone out on multiple dates too but I have never ever felt that strong vibe which I had with my ex... .
     Right now she isn't married probably in between man hunts I guess ... .which reminds me of something when all my friends and well wishers were dissuading me from having a relationship with her I did tell her that our relationship wouldn't work out and I wanted toend it then and there itself she was visibly upset she was crying over the phone she wanted to meet me immediately and when she got into my car she started crying inconsolably and it was then I noticed her phone was blinking she had stowed it on the floor I just picked it up and was in for a shock when I saw she was recording our conversation when I asked her about it she said " I want to hear ur voice everyday for the rest of my life even after u leave me "and I was like huh? I just question my self nowadays why was I such a sucker for love?
 
     

Hey guys been a while since my last post ... .I thought I was coping well just shoveling her thoughts out of my system. ... .but for the past 2 days I'm just not able to cope. ... .I sort of ran into my T today and I told him this ... .he said if u feel that contacting her is going to help you then by all means do that... .(mind u that chap wasn't pissed off or anything actually he came to me for help)
       What should I do
      1... .contact her and wait for the wolves to come and send me packing
       2... .wait for her to contact me ( like in  zillion years)
        3... .doesn't she ever ever think about me
         4... .her exes according to her have thrashed her and abused her ... .yet she didn't call the police on them
          5... .as for me I haven't done any of the above yet I am the one whom she wants to unleash hell upon
          6... .I'm feeling horrible I miss her terribly does she even think about me
         Can you guys tell me whether she is feeling bad about treating me this bad and that's probably the reason why she is hesitating to get in touch with? ?
           Is there ever any hope guys! Like I had mentioned before in my previous posts she did warn me though when we were together that once she is done she is done and there is no looking back at all
 

Anything going on these past 2 days that seem different?

You were doing well, coping. Then, 2 days ago you started to focus on her again.

Did anything happen recently that made you feel alone or sad?

I still remember our last conversation I believe she was being pestered by her mom to meet someone and she kept asking me to come back so that she could introduce me to her mother ... .her mother is possibly a BPD waif  she had cautioned my ex against going to my house (as far as her mum is concerned my ex took my sister to her house and introduced her to her mum saying that both of them were good friends and she was spending most of her time with my sister ... .I guess her mother had cautioned her not to go to my place because people I believe will talk ill about her and my dad ) (yeah typical drama my life) I was 2000 miles away for laparascopic surgery training how was I supposed to leave that and fly back ... .well then fights began   I  had known her only for 4 months and she wanted to have kids and jump into matrimony I was being pushed lemme tell u I loved her and still love her but she could get into one of her moods and then that's it things would get volatile after that ... .
    I told her to tell her mom about us ... .then she started cursing me and calling me names which I couldn't stand I called her a s**t and that was that she went all kamikazee on me ...
  
  Yet now one year later I don't know her status now she isn't married ! Why I don't know she wanted a child very bad ... .what's happened to all that I don't know remember she is 4 years older than me
          Is she really done with me ? She used to say that none of the guys who came into her life lasted more than 6 months during her fits and then she used to say that you will also leave me ... .
        I was highly irresponsible , was walking around with an attitude that my ___ doesn't stink yes I took things for granted with her after she started her drama ... .she used to warn me that I would fall to pieces of she left me ... .true payback is a bi**h I treated her shabbily for which I regret. ... I wish I could just maybe get an opportunity to express that
    

Her topic came up my folks asked me about her and I guess that's what did me in ... .they asked me if I was okay ! Well that brought on a wave of pleasant memories ... .then I found myself asking them about the probability of her ever coming back to me?
         

When they asked you if you were ok, how did you respond?

I told them that I wasn't okay because they wanted to introduce me to someone new and get engaged to that person ... .that's when I told them that I wasn't over my ex  

I feel the same way as you Ashwin. I feel I could've handled things better in the relationship and I would love another chance to show her how much she meant to me. If you want to know if she thinks about you here is what I gathered from my ex. On Facebook she was liking posts of quotes saying things like God protects you from things you want because it isn't what you need. Or quotes like sometimes you have to burn bridges to keep from going back. Based on the quotes it seems like she does think about me and maybe even want me, but she can't bring herself to contact me because of the pain I gave her.

Somadsosad thank you I guess we both are in the same boat  my girl she has put this up on her fb "god will make a way when there seems be noway"
     But in ur case she may still want you that's not the case with me ... .she does portray herself to be a religious zealot but she isn't ... .as far as hurting her was concerned I never did that ... .but I did confront her about her past. ... .it all seems so stupid to me now... .
      Will I ever get her back again I know that's a 99 % NO and probably a 1 % yes ... .but then again I am forced to think about an alternate scenario just to pacify myself ... .what if
                                   1... .had we continued her dramas would have driven me crazy ?
                                    2... .1 year ago things were different she was pushing me to get married. ... .had I done that 1 year later would I have regretted the whole thing?
            3... .would she have mooted the idea of a possible conversion and using the marriage as leverage would she have tormented me with that
            4... .finally the big one  WHY DOES MY MIND KEEP RRMINDING ME OF ONly the good times we had together ? Why is it portraying my ex as an angel and me as the counterpart. ... .
               
       

Often the most intense feelings, the ones that are hard to comprehend, are buried deep in our family of origin experiences. Unresolved grief and deep feelings go underground and gain strength. Our pwBPD bring those feelings to the surface. They may trigger the original wound and because we have suppressed those feelings, we cannot easily see their origin.

If you experienced a significant loss when you were a child, that may help guide you to those original feelings. Some adults do not have the skills needed to help a child grieve. Your family wants you to get over your ex quickly, with a snap of the finger. Perhaps they were the same growing up? Your feelings were dismissed?

It's worth looking at these early stories and trying to reprocess the feelings. That helps you get centered so that you can be the emotionally stable person in whatever relationship comes next, BPD or otherwise.

Well if what I heard is true ... .she has someone now and they are going strong ... .well that's it I guess , leaves  all whys and won't s to rest ... .seems she spent the last 5 days with that chap. .good for her I wish her the best.
   

Are you doing ok?

Thank you livednlearned ... .I'm not all okay ... I just feel sad , I really don't know about BPD although most of her mannerisms perfectly fit  all the traits of a pwBPD ... .I jumped in too fast into the relationship ... I don't like to condemn my ex ... .I have emerged a bit enlightened but deeply hurt ... .it's just too much for me to bear that I was once yeah once upon a time her true love ... .and now I'm just a crazy stalker who if ever tries to stumble before her or contact her or get any info about her will be thrown behind bars...
        Sometimes I feel that there is no point in living anymore ... .I've seen people die day in n day out there is no meaning I feel ... .
        Many people over various forums have penned down their positive experience of their exes reaching out to them some have made amends and have successfully lead a not so turbulent lives... .for the others it was disaster all over again. . I TOO HOPED AGAINST HOPE THAT SHE WOULD REACH OUT TO ME DESPITE ALL THE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED. ... .but I have been terribly let down by fate...

I feel exactly like you. It's so stupid that one minute someone could mean the world to someone then the next they want nothing to do with you. It's like if we meant less to each other like if we were just friends we would still probably be on good terms but because we meant more we can never speak or see them again .