BPDFamily.com

My hwBPD has made life style choices that exclude me from his life and make marriage very difficult. He moved to another house on our property a year ago, works all the time but does not share many details about his work or his travel, does not go out with me any more (dinner, movie etc.) no sex, conversations kept superficial with no interest in my wellbeing, conversations about him only, no acknowledgement for a job well done but notices and points out when he sees something he doesn't like, over dramatizes my mistakes and uses lots of shame. HOWEVER, when I eventually break down under the weighty shame and rejection, lash out and say ( well usually write) something about how lonely my life is, he rages as if I have nothing to complain about. I stay because this farm is our home, mine and the children, and I have so much invested in making the farm work because it sustains so many of the family that I just cannot walk away. I might add that hwBPD moved out because of his violence towards me and the children. Now he says it was because he "couldn't talk to me". I work hard to heal, have a full life outside of him, take his critical statements in stride, but you know, in the end, im only human and I wear out. If I maintain a stance of indifference he picks up on it and rages. If I capitulate to his will and accept his illness and be loving and kind in spite of him, I eventually meltdown because of the lack of reciprocity. He says he hates the fighting, and has NO clue that it is he who causes the conflict. What is a mom to do ? Thanks for listening.

Hi Ysabel, I can relate. What helped me was I finally healed to the point where I truly did not care or believe anything that he said about me. I did not need his approval. What he is saying is a LIE. Perhaps the reason it still bothers you is because you, at some level, believe him. DON'T believe a word he says. You know in your heart you are doing and have done everything you can to have a healthy normal relationship, but unfortunately, the reality is, you can't do it by yourself and he is NOT going to respond in a normal way. If he is not admitting any of his issues, avoidance at all costs is an option. Setting VERY strong boundaries. How is he even talking to you if he is in another house? Is he coming to the house YOU are in? If so, that would be one of your first and strongest boundaries. "You are not allowed in the house without notice and only with permission." Are you still doing ANYTHING for him? (laundry, meals etc?) Then if he breaks the boundary, stop doing anything. I am not saying you have to be ugly to him but your comment about "be loving and kind" will only be damaging to you if you have any expectations of him at all. In other words, if you are doing stuff and being loving in hopes that he will reciprocate, you will always be hurt. So your options are to NOT do it at all (and that is acceptable! You don't have to go out of your way to "be loving and kind" as long as you are not being ugly and disrespectful of him as a human being) or to do it but have NO expectations of reciprocity. Those are the 2. You are looking for #3 "doing this will cause him to want to be kind back" but that will not happen. (Im not saying that can NEVER happen for a BPD, Im saying that you being loving and kind is not the thing that will cause him to do that.) You are allowing yourself to be emotionally tossed about like a rag in a dogs mouth, hoping that as the rag, you calling out "please stop tossing me about!" will somehow get the dog to STOP, but it won't. So your choice is, don't be a rag in the dogs mouth. Keep your distance. Read some of these lesson links on the right side of this page. I understand your reasons for staying. Only you can decide that. Eventually, though, if none of the advice improves things, you will need to decide how much your sanity and happiness is worth.