BPDFamily.com

Maybe some of you could help me sort out my confusion about setting bounderies. When I am in conflict with my BPD wife, I employ validation and JADE. Sometimes, though, the barrage from her is just to much so I say... stop yelling at me, lower your voice, I'll listen then or your being abusive right now so I am going. I feel selfish because maybe I am being too sensitive. Another scenario is when I need sleep. I will tell her I am going to sleep. She will react angrily to that saying she is awake and had a bad day and I don't care about her day... ."go ahead take care of yourself" rings out. I care about her day, but I need sleep but maybe I don't. I might just not to want to hear her negative feelings of the day or I need to just relax etc. When am I a loving caring husband and when am I being a jerk? I seem unable to justify me to myself sometimes. I don't want to be a doormat but also don't want to be a jerk.

It is not selfish to use boundaries to protect yourself. It is ok to walk away from verbal abuse and take care of yourself. I'm not always successful at this, but I try to withdraw before things escalate.

Pay attention to your body. You know when you're tired, hungry, stressed, not in the mood, etc. Pushing yourself to exhaustion for her sake is not healthy for you.

Maybe try SET with a boundary?

Support - I can see you're upset and need to talk.

Empathy - I'm sorry you had a bad day, and I really want to hear about it.

Truth - I need to get some sleep right now.

Boundary - Let's talk in the morning when I'm fresh so I can give you my full attention.

Boundaries are not about fairness, they are about knowing your limits and self preservation. You do nobody any favors by trying to battle on past the point where you are being overwhelmed. Thats when you start reacting badly

As you get better at dealing with issues then you can adjust your boundaries as you patience and tolerance develops. A person with little regards to the boundaries of others will always push them, no matter where they are set, and guilt is their weapon of choice. Self doubt is our greatest weakness.

Listen to your gut feeling, that is your body's alarm bell.

Thank you for the responses. I was not aware of SET... .this is cool. It gives me a script I can go to. Self doubt/second guessing myself has always plagued me. Using Jade has indeed given me confidence. One would think it would not because I am not firing back answers at the rage. But it does work and inklings of a backbone are beginning in me. Next week I begin the NAMI Family to Family 12 week course. I am cautiously optimistic JADE, SET, and the NAMI course can restore some of the me that has been lost and in the process love my wife more than just surviving.

The idea is not to JADE, that puts you on the back food and backing into a position of vulnerability