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Last night we are watching TV and having a really great night. And then out of nowhere my wife said something very insulting. I immediately took offense. Which she replied don't make a big deal out of it and started getting angry that I was hurt. I was kind of shocked. It was like she developed tourettes or something. I immediately validated that I might have taken it the wrong way and I'm sorry. Everything was good again. About an hour later I brought it up, and let her know it really hurt my feelings. She got very angry that I had not dropped it and I was going to just beat it to death. After about a minute rant, I again apologized for bringing it up.

And then I kind of laughed. I thought maybe BPD is just a medical term for someone being an a**hole. lol 

hi CrazyChuck 

validation is a great tool. sometimes we inadvertently validate the invalid.

if your wife says something hurtful to you, you have the right to be offended or hurt by it, without apology. being hurt, then suggesting you took it the wrong way, and youre sorry, is not validating her, its invalidating yourself, and it sends a mixed message. same with telling her later "actually, it really hurt my feelings", followed by apologizing again.

it sounds to me like you are stifling your own valid hurt just to keep the peace, and its not keeping the peace. in addition to the mixed message, you may build up a lot of resentment over time which helps neither of you.

have you had the opportunity to read about boundaries? if your wife says something hurtful to you (you cant necessarily stop her from doing so), how do you think you might set a boundary for yourself?

I probably should. She went though a couple months where she would insult me often. My therapist asked if I had a friend that said things like she had said, would I remain friends. I was like f*** no. And after that I took a stand. But I got tired of her not talking to me and saying things like she would cheat if she is not happy. So I just went back to validating. And strangely she stopped insulting me. This was the first time in several months. 

it (validating vs boundaries) may be a matter of degrees. you can also validate without apologizing if you truly have nothing to apologize for. im a big believer in owning ones actions, but there is no apology necessary for being hurt by something someone says.


what did taking a stand look like/entail?

boundaries are for you, and not to control her behavior. the threat of cheating is a reaction (possibly even an extinction burst) to your boundary. if a boundary is to be a boundary, these threats or her potentially following through are something you may have to face, but thats certainly something that can be tackled separately.

 

Can you give us some more details on exactly what she said?

As a general thought "immediately taking offense" might not be the best thing.  It sort of depends on how specific or how vague the insult was.

Best to confirm what was said and give a chance for them to restate.

"That sounds hurtful to me.  How did you intend it to be received?"  Might be good if there is vagueness or it is out of the blue.  Gives them a chance to come to their senses.

Remember, there is usually shame involved with pwBPD.  Also there is usually discomfort with their feelings.  You are opening a door to let them out of a situation they may not have fully thought through, without shame.

You are clearly letting them know how you will take the comment if they let it stand (and this honors your feelings and self worth) but you are being a healthy r/s partner and giving them a chance to explain or back away.

If they do back away, welcome them back with open arms.  If they persist or "double down", it's boundary time.  No further discussion needed.  Take your ears elsewhere.

Hope this helps and looking forward to hearing more details.

FF