BPDFamily.com

I decided not to talk about my ex today... .even if it meant no conversation and silence. It actually felt better, but people said to me that I seemed to be doing better. I thought that was strange. Just because I am not talking about it- I come off as doing better- Interesting. I suppose it helps to not talk about it. I actually had one person come in today that I hadn't seen in a long time, so I did tell her  I was getting divorced. Turns out, she had gone to NAMI and her ex was a NPD... .I never knew that. Funny, she had her current husband tested for a personality disorder before she would marry him! What a great idea! I had to laugh, but she was serious. She said it cost a lot of money at the time, but she wasn't going through that again. I did pretty well about not talking about my ex up until I saw her, but it did lead to an interesting conversation. This is my goal every day... .to talk about him less and less and only do it here... .after hearing it will only cause more grief for us when people don't understand what we went through. Makes sense and I am working on it... .

Well, our actions may be an expression of our inner thoughts which may be an expression of how we are processing things.

I am not sure how it will go simply restraining yourself from presenting your inner conflicts vs actually dealing with them.  Sounds like this may backfire, idk.

I know myself very well and I cannot NOT talk about it, just don't want to talk about it all day with my clients anymore. I know what you mean though... .to me it's better to vent. But I can tell they are thinking I am a total mess and that's not good for business. They come to me to relax and I let them talk about their issues as well. I have found out some of them have people in their lives with the same issues. I don't think I am avoiding it, just taming it... .we will see. i think I have been too obsessed. Some of them tell me I have to move on... .they don't understand and there is no way of making them understand.

It sounds like you have wisely decided to choose to tame your behavior.

I am not suggesting that you in anyway continue behavior that you have determined is not working for you.

I wonder in what way do you anticipate achieving this?

How will you cope that is different than you have been?

I am asking these things because it is one thing to have a positive intention, another to have a plan of success.

LOL, I know... .I have had positive intentions for a long time now without it working out so well... .I really think his having this baby now is so disturbing that I can't even think about it. They are horrified. One of them is into the gun control laws. She sent me an article about a woman who dated a sociopath and ended up shot in the face and lived to tell her story! It was an amazing article, but they all worried about me so much. They are glad I am out. I think I am just so tired of talking about it and don't want to feel like I am crazy anymore if that makes any sense. These people all knew he was trouble from the beginning. That's what makes me feel so dumb. I just have to keep trying.

I've done a similar thing, maybe you can relate to the following: The truth is that if someone hasn't experienced a relationship and breakup with a pwBPD, they just aren't going to be able to fully grasp the reality of it. I know that I couldn't have, before living the nightmare, even if I was sympathetic to it. It was only conceptual to me. I think at this point I've lost a couple of friends who just couldn't understand or be with my trauma and grief, having only their own experiences to reference, and triggers of their own to deal with. But also, from this horrific relationship experience I have vowed never again to let this dynamic play out even in smaller, less acute ways anywhere in my life. No more relationships of any kind where I am only valued for the services I provide, where I'm not valued as a person. And the friends I've lost? They were users at some level, and I was tolerating it. When I stopped serving up whatever they were using me for, they faded away. The fact was, in my agony, I NEEDED to talk about what had happened in my life, and one hour a week in therapy wasn't going to cut it. I imagine it was the same for you. For me, eventually, my need to talk about it began to be outweighed by my need to return to myself beyond the agony. And that meant being with my friends for social time, rather than just having them help me process my pain. I needed companions to just be my whole self with, not just be my wounded self with. Also, if I kept trying to wring understanding from people who can't understand even if they try, I'd basically be recreating my experience with my exBPDgf, who did not have the cognitive capability to understand how I felt. Just because these folks can't understand didn't mean they are users like my ex or the friends that let go.