BPDFamily.com

I am really struggling!  I left uBPD 6 weeks ago to stop the verbal and physical abuse of myself and our children.  We all miss our home and our garden and our animals very much!  uBPD is still withholding everything I and my children own.  He has turned several of our mutual friends against me.  He turns up everywhere we go and now comes to our home and says he won't leave until the police make him.  When he shows up he grabs our baby and then tells the children that I made all the accusations up and that I just want his money.

On paper, you would think I would hate him.  Uh, no!  What is wrong with me?  I miss him horribly and feel so bad for him.  Then I feel horrible because I feel that way.  When the police came yesterday they asked me to please get an order of protection so I have an appointment with a DV lawyer today.  Why do I not want to go through with it?

I am only supposed to work weekends, but someone is out sick so I have been working 5 days instead of 2.  I am also sick with a cold and a cough and can hardly think straight my mind is so muddled up with stress and concern.  There is just too much happening right now.  My children do not have birth certificates and I can't get them insurance until I get them.  The state rejected my birth certificate applications (which took a lot of time and paperwork to submit!) so I have to start over and reapply.  My son 7 is acting out really badly and needs to be medically evaluated, but I have no insurance and little money.  Someone was so kind as to give me a refrigerator, but I can't get it in the house because I need a star driver to take the doors off.  Someone also gave me a washer, but the floor is rotten in the utility room so I can't bring it in until someone comes next week to look at that.  I can't go to the only laundry in town because he shows up there.  My next door neighbor molested children in the neighborhood (not mine, thank goodness!) and shot himself last week so the police have been over here for that, as well as making my ex leave when he shows up.  Then yesterday the children left a pan on the stove and the fire department came!  These are just the highlights!

All the crazy stuff happening is bad, but I think the worst part for me is hating my feelings for uBPD and feeling like I can't control them.  I wish there was some way to make them stop!  The children and I are going to counseling at the local DV shelter and I should be able to start individual counseling next week, but I know that will not immediately fix this.  I guess I have a little taste of what a drug addict goes through.  WOW it is hard!  Thanks for letting me rant.  I feel a little bit better  :)

Beyond the feelings you have for him I would speculate you feel this way because he has conditioned you to feel this way.  You still feel responsible for him and that is what he wants you to feel. 

You must take care of yourself and your children now.  That is the only thing that is important and you should focus on establishing some stability for you and your kids.  Be strong, you can do this.