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I caught him having very personal, sexual, emotional online relationships with more than two women that I know of. It was the last straw, I was tired of having him blow up at me every few days over nothing. Tired of his bullying. Just tired of all of his behaviors, and when I found out about the women I was both angry and relieved at the same time. Relieved because it gave me fuel to end the relationship for good. I informed family and friends of what he had done, I unfriended him on social media. It was official. I told him he has 30 days to find a new place to live.

The past couple days has lit a fire under his ass. He has been scrambling to fix the relationship; setting up an appointment with a dialectic specialist (which I urged him to do for months), calling his college to find out how to finish his Master's degree (a 4 year old issue), and a bunch of other tasks that he should have done long ago.

This is all behavior he has done when I tried to leave him before, and those times he would be motivated for a little while and then slip back into his cycle. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.

I was absolutely sure that I was done with him, but today after long conversations about how much damage he has done, I see a recognition in him that... .well, I'm not sure is real or not... .but it has definitely messed with me. Now my brain wants to have hope again that he is going to get better this time. That maybe I don't want him to move out. Maybe he can still live here if he continues therapy and works hard at controlling his condition. Knowing full well that he very well may fail again and return to his old cycle. But when he's doing well, he is incredibly alluring- as I'm sure you all can understand.

I feel like I need someone to say NO! STOP! Don't forget what he's done! Don't let him manipulate you again! Is he being manipulative or genuine? I don't know! Since he legally has 30 days to live here still I have to deal with him being in the house. I am being pulled in again and I am really angry at myself for letting it happen... .again. For the millionth time! He is such a good person when he is well. But when he's not... .well, you know. It's awful.

What am I supposed to do, right now? What can I do to stay on guard? How do I protect myself? As a person with a good amount of willpower, I feel like I have none. HELP!

Hey beauty,

perhaps the recognition is indeed real... .quite possibly; but the problem is that, with BPDs, concrete actions do not follow words, most of the times. Talk is cheap.

That's the sad truth.

Perhaps you may want to consider the possibility of getting some space, for some time (let's say a few months), and see if he truly is committed to changing or not. In any case, for sure this is a boundary you have to enforce for your own wellbeing; we are adults and we are not supposed to take care of child-like, drama-fueled grown adults.

AH yes, I am quite tired of feeling like the mother of a grown manchild. For sure.

The issue I'm having is that there is no way for me to have space at the moment. Not until he moves elsewhere. I will likely try to get him out of here sooner than 30 days from now, but for now, I feel like I need tools to aid me in not getting sucked in again. What I have been doing so far, is re-reading the screenshots I obtained of these disgusting conversations he was having with these women. When I start to feel the pull, I read them. It's torture, though. Like I just can't allow myself to start healing. I have to constantly rip the wound open in order to remind myself of what he's done. Because he is just that attractive when he is doing well, taking care of problems, looking toward the future, and motivated.

It's ridiculous. 

I also have a limited support group, as I don't have many friends right now. Just graduated and everyone's moved away and such. I've got my parents, but speaking with them about his... .indiscretions... .is quite embarrassing. My lack of support is why I cam here :)

Hi NordicBeauty,

*welcome*

I would like to join Fr4nz and welcome you. I can see how emotionally distressing and confusing that would feel. It's frustrating when we can't figure what the catalyst was that triggered our exes and then we're put on a pedestal.  I felt a lot of resentment because I couldn't do anything right and out of nowhere my exBPDw would idealize me. I felt angry at how invalidating that felt because she wouldn't apologize for her bad behaviors.

Many of our members can relate with you and offer guidance and support. You're not alone. You know him better than anyone on the boards. It sounds like he's shooting straight up with hid efforts, is he going to be able to maintain that? BPD is a serious mental illness that, the person has to  be dedicated and want to change for therapy to take effect, a personality us a difficult thing to change,and BPD is ingrained in the person's personality.

When I found out that my exBPDw had cheated, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had tried marriage counseling several times and nothing seemed to work in our marriage. Its not to say that my situation mirror's yours but it was a personal choice for me to continue with our relationship or to proceed with divorce .

I can relate. You know, all these dysfunctional behavioural patterns are all part of the disorder... .the idealization, with its beautiful good moments, then the devaluation (cheating included)... .and the perpetual cycle goes on indefinitely, until you leave or are left (usually, pretty badly).

I was also subject to cheating during my r/s... .mind that, at some point, she was late with her cycle, so she mentioned me she cheated and, in case she would have been pregnant, she didn't know whether I was the father or not.

Luckily, in the end it turned out she was not pregnant, so I forgave her... .but I can perfectly understand the extent of these "trust betrayals". Mind-boggling, to say the least.

Anyway, the strategy to look at the screenshots is good, if in the meantime it serves the purpose of keeping your mind grounded.

A hug!

Ah, I'm glad someone agrees with my strategy. I was worried that it was unhealthy or something, but for now I feel like it's one of the few tools I can use until he moves out. Thank you!

It is not unhealthy, unless it makes you ruminate... .

No, it just makes me feel... .well it helps squash self doubt and internal bargaining.

Welcome to the family NB.

By all means use the screenshots as tools to stay grounded in your decision. There are much more unhealthy ways to handle the emotional turmoil a BPD breakup brings with it.

And of course you can't start to heal right now, nor should you expect to; he is still there. As long as he is there you can't start your healing. That phase will start when he has left.