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So initially we were in no contact and then I got the old, miss you, txt which then led her to follow that up with, I love you, your my best friend but we can't be together, txts, which of course opened up some diolog between us which I then pulled back from.

A few days pass and I get another txt just updating me on something going on in her life that she thought I'd find funny. I respond kindly and now nothing!

Why bother txting if you have shat on me from a dirty great height? Why hit me up advising on the progress of her life? I don't get it! Is it weird Charm tactic or is it to just dangle a carrot to see if I'll respond?

Yes I know I'm crazy and shouldn't be bothered about it but I am.

Hi DazedD23,

It can be really confusing trying to let go and then re-engaging. It sounds like your ex has been thinking about you and wanted to feel a connection again with you. Perhaps she has feelings for you, but prefers to keep you at a distance because of engulfment fears, guilt, shame, etc.

This is all just speculation on my part, of course. No one can get inside another's head or heart.

The question I have for you is how do you feel about re-engaging with your ex after a period of NC? Are you thinking about possibly being friends, or just friendly at a distance?

heartandwhole

I can't be friends with her not after what she has done to me this time! That opens up a whole new question as to why I haven't just blocked her number! Also I can't bend my head around how a friendship would work after the experiences and connection we had. I know she wants friendship as she's pretty much begged for it saying she doesn't want to lose me etc and I stayed boundaried enough to not give any answers or clues to what the future holds. Apart from a few reaching out txts I have stayed away from initiating contact especially after she said no contact a few weeks back which she then broke.

Hmm how do I feel? Pissed off, confused, hurt, baffled and yes I guess there's a part of me that sits there hoping she will come back even though I don't want her too. A simple txt has left me wondering why she would txt me following her request for no contact. I replied kindly and then there's nothing back from her. That leaves me confused as why just txt me an update on your life which you think I'll find amusing and then just disappear again?

Is this a Charm thing?

That's what I found so difficult to understand.  I was dealing with similar behavior to what you have encountered, and it sure is frustrating!  In the end, I couldn't handle that, so went NC.  It's hurtful and confusing when they come back "nice as pie" then disappear again. 


I tend to agree with what heartandwhole said.  Remember, they need to stay in control, so by keeping you at a comfortable distance it feels safe for her.

Sad for them... .frustrating for us!

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Well she made no bones of wanting a friendship saying she'll be paitent with me etc... Man alive I want to scream bloody murder at her for what she has done to me then she swans in with a few txts like I should be able to just let this go. I've kept my head down as I don't want her to know how much I've fallen apart over recent weeks. She wants friendship and thinks that's cool whilst I'm sitting here weighing up whether to leave town to start again as its to painful being around here knowing I'll bump in to her or find out things from people of what she is up to. Is she stupid or just being cruel by txting me? I would like to say that not know has she asked me how I am doing not once.

I'm still trying to learn about BPD/npd so trying to work out what a charm looks like. Not sure if this is one or not. By her not replying I just take it it was an attempt to get in to my head. Random because is she thinking that by me not chasing her or making contact that I'm some how over it or making strides to get over her so she drops a little txt to just let me know she's still there? I know she's there and she should bloody know all I'm doing is thinking about her.

No, she isn't being cruel.  It's how she is.  Hard for us to get our heads around as we don't think the way a pwBPD does.

She probably has no clue that she's hurting you.  It's all about her and her wants and needs - her feelings come first - ALWAYS.


Look, they certainly are capable of playing mind games at times, but it doesn't seem to me that she is doing that with you.  As heartandwhole said, she was probably thinking about you and wanted to make contact at that time.  She may now be distracted by something else, hence not replying further, or she was satisfied with how she felt when she was in contact and doesn't need anything more... .at this time.  There are a multitude of reasons why she did what she did.  Sadly, we can never really know the true reason.


I have experienced that A LOT.  Little things to get my attention to let me know they are still there, but these things happen covertly, not directly.

As hard as it is, we eventually need to get to a place of acceptance.  Accept that our exSO is the way they are, and will do what they do because of the disorder they have.  There is no rhyme nor reason with some of this stuff.  We can turn ourselves into a pretzel (I tried many a time lol) over and over again to try and work out the "why's", but in the end it makes us sick.

Yeah I get that but she knows I don't do well with these things. I guess I've built her up in to a monster really and I was left reeling after she went off on one at me about missing me etc... After previous splits she has always come back for some push and pull fun so guess I was wondering if that's what the txts are about.

I know I'm driving myself crazy so thank you as you've reminded me that there is no rhyme or reason to any of it. It is what it is I guess.

Yeah I'm trying my hardest to get my head in to acceptance over this. It's hard but I know myself that there's a massive part of me that wants her to come back. I'm aware by not blocking her number I am leaving myself open. Hell look what's happened as a result, one text and I'm off and running trying to pick it apart looking for something.

For pwBPD feeling = fact, they tend to be very impulsive and their emotions are all over the place especially their emotions towards you the the closer you are to them.

So probably your ex is acting on what she feels. She is angry with you, so she breaks up with you and tells you not to contact her. She feels she misses you, she texts you. Then she doesn't feel she misses you, so she doesn't respond. She is reacting to her moods. Immediate gratification, "I feel I act". No filter, no thoughts how it might effect you if she does, no doubts if this is a smart thing to do, or if there are they are quickly silenced because the urge to act on the feeling is stronger. Not acting on what they feel makes pwBPD very restless and emotionally confused.

The texting is about her, not about you.

They remind me of an ostrich, in the way that they just stick their head in the ground, wait for things to blow over and then pop back out like nothing ever happened. PwBPD seem to follow this pattern pretty frequently.

Just remember, it's never about you. It's ALWAYS about them.

WOW that's hilarious.  And... .so very true lol

It certainly twisted my melon!

There's so many ways to read in to things like txts. Just got to keep reminding myself that there's nothing there to read in too.

If you don't want her back I suggest you change your number and e-mail, and get off social media. And leaving town doesn't sound like a bad idea either.

I've been there about a million times, got sent contradicting txt's, e-mails, songs, pictures etc. I think they're unaware of the fact that they are causing more confusion and pain. But sometimes it felt like she was doing it deliberately, just to see if I'm still interested in her.

Don't play this game with her, I learned that the hard way. One day the txt's will come to an abrupt end and you'll be wondering what's up only to find out she's seeing someone new. And that will really screw with your head.

Mine did this to me countless times, and every time she was in trouble or broke up with the new boyfriend or got abused by him she'd come running back for some more support. Only until she found someone new, then she disappears again. In short I was being used, but they don't see it that way.

I'm struggling with blocking her number! Sounds ridiculous really as I know the consequences of keeping it. It makes it seem so final.

After my relationship ended, I decided to leave town for a few days. I thought it would be nice to go on a trip by myself just to clear my head and temporarily escape from what I was feeling. My ex had gotten back together with her husband, and I was in a really dark place. At any rate, the trip backfired on me. It turned out her husband was away on business that same weekend. I guess she was feeling lonely, and wanted to call me every five minutes while I am away in another state trying to forget her. She seemed completely oblivious to my feelings. When she asked me why I went away, I said "I thought it would help me feel better." She actually says "Oh, were you feeling bad?" Why the hell would I not be feeling bad? She didn't get it. That she was unable to comprehend what our failed relationship had done to me just made me more aware of what it had really meant to her.

100% accurate