BPDFamily.com

Hello all.

I have posted here about my situation before a year ago. Here is the thread if anyone is interested in details on the matter https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278791.msg12637908#msg12637908 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278791.msg12637908#msg12637908). But'll abridge it for everyone, too.

-uBPDBest friend of six years tends to get very jealous when I hang out with people without his presence, to the point I do it secretly a few times

-uBPDBFF is very close to me and we have in general lots of fun and plans, in fact is my only friend. I've been depressed for years and he helped me out with his company. He never tells me he has feelings for me.

-Due to my depression, I hardly shared many secrets of mine to anyone, even he. During the last year of our friendship I start getting out of my shell, reluctantly.

-uBPDBFF introduces me to another good friend. He tells me in secret that they had a fallout before and it was their friend's fault. But we have lots of fun together.

-I start to hang out more with new friend. One day uBPDBFF gets jealous and rages at me that I don't care about him anymore. I double my efforts to please him but I also keep getting closer to new friend. New friend says that uBPDBFF has been doing this to him for years too, but they remain friends.

-My new friend becomes my boyfriend. uBPDBFF loses it and declares his love for me and then that he'll break contact with us forever.

-We try to make amends but he gets nasty toward my boyfriend and mad at me. When he learns that I've told my bf more personal secrets than to him through the years, he rages. When I say that his jealousy has become super painful to me, he gets super offended and talks about ending friendship again.

-My bf gets fed up and tells me all the bad treatment he got by uBPDBFF now and through the years, the clinginess, guilt tripping about abandonment when not 100% available, namecalling, taking advantage of, painting him black... .

-uBPDBFF says he no longer cares. I desperately want us all to be friends but I ask for distance. I fail at it.

-Upon my bf's wishes and deteriorating health, I cut off uBPDBFF. He feels devastated and wants to talk to me about the NC. Claims to be miserable but I've been seeing him having company and fun with plenty of friends. My bf and he exchange final nasty words but I never respond. I became a wreck. I tried to still keep in touch with mutual friends. Soon they cut me off without hearing my side of the story.

2 1/2 years passed since then. I thought I'd get over it. But it's still haunting me every waking hour, even if I know uBPDBFF is doing fine without me and I shouldn't worry. He has at least 5 people to support him. I have none! Through these years my bf has been exhibiting BPD symptoms that I had been ignoring.

I need closure at the very least. I want to explain why I did it, to list all my part of the blame, to communicate about it, to talk about what a coward I was. Like you saw at the beginning of the post, I've been wanting to since last year, but been too scared and for my bf's sake. I have been losing sleep, crying, even self harming about it.

Is 2 1/2 years too late for it? I fear his rejection to even listen, just like I did. That the guilt will eat me up forever.

I see only two options. 

Accept the relationship is not healthy and let it go so you can move forward.

or

Put aside your fears and talk/write to him.

What option do you think is the most healthy choice for your own personal well being?

I've been going with  the first option for over two years now and my mental wellbeing is wrecked with guilt. I used to look young, I aged 5 years from it.

The second option will probably kill me sooner if it goes bad.

Reading one of your previous posts reveals your friendship was a very unhealthy one.


Do you really want someone like that in your life?


So he wants to talk to you about the NC, has he reached out to you?

Sorry if it wasn't clear from my post, yes he did. He reached out opening his heart (but also throwing some accusations at me) but I didn't respond, just uselessly cried. My bf did and they got into a fight. They never spoke again.

Soon he publicly said bad things about my bf publicly, which stalled me from trying to calm my bf down to make amends.

Despite all that you quoted though, the fact remains that today he has a support network of 7+ friends and I have 0 friends two and a half years later (most cut me off due to this). Who is the healthier individual?

But have you really?   You wouldn't be faced with this dilemma if you had truly embraced option one.  One of the hardest things to do is forgive ourselves.


How do you think it could go bad?

At the end of the day it all comes down to respect.  Respect for ourselves and the very reasonable expectation that we be treated with respect ... .especially by those who are closest to us.  This is a Boundary (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) that must be enforced for your own well being.  Life is too short to allow people in our lives that do not treat us with respect and we can't allow ourselves to feel guilty for expecting this.

So how do you see yourself enforcing this boundary?

You're right, the problem is that I cannot forgive myself.


1. Bf becomes furious and breaks up with me at just suggesting it again 2. uBPDBFF says "too little, too late" even if I write a 5.000 word letter about my part of the blame.

I end up alone with all those years down the drain. All fun memories becoming painful.


I have failed to set boundaries, even if I've been told to do so since two years ago.

And not just with my ex-friend but with bf too. I feel he's been getting away with way too much. I let them both walk all over me and a phychiatrist rightfully said I should had put my foot down from the very start instead of being too passive.

There are some details in this that are pretty triggery and make me paranoid to be seen. If it's okay could I PM someone who is interested?

it helps to keep things on the board, in order to fully utilize the support group aspect of the site, and to get differing perspectives.

we are here to support you, you are safe here, and among friends  . having said that, you are not required to share anything youre not comfortable sharing.



is the fear of being alone inhibiting setting boundaries?

I'll try to get the courage to. Thank you. Just afraid of someone seeing it.

And yes, that's the primary fear that made me be way too passive, lie and remain silent while feeling the pain eating me up... .

A few words: hidden, your anguish is clear, and I'm glad you shared some of your story.

C.Stein's comment about forgiving yourself gets to the heart of the matter, it seems. In fact, I would say attempting to hash it out with your estranged friend is a mistake until you can feel compassion for yourself. That may also help with the boundary problems in general.

Saying, "I don't want to remain stuck in this bad emotional place" is one thing; focusing on ty"wasted years" is another. That was your path to this moment. It was painful, but it was also experience. Try to learn from it, and it will not have been in vain. And, forgive me if I'm wrong, but you sound young!

You say you have no friends, and that it's because of the problems with your former friend. It's never great to be dropped, but then it sounds like he was brokering these friendships. Enter some new circles, maybe. When you make new friends, they eill be yours.

Your response to stress is to self-harm. This is very serious. You mentioned a psychiatrist. Are you in treatment?

Take care, hidden. You matter.

You're right of course. The problem is that I only know how to hate myself. I don't know how it is to feel compassion for me. Even admitting it so makes me emotional. So I don't think I'll be ready to face my ex friend in such sate of mind. WAY too much guilt.

I don't blame uBPDBFF for doing so though. I cut him off, only fair that he couldn't tolerate me being buds with his good friends.

I'm not young by the way, that's why I fear losing friends so much. It's not easy anymore. I tried but failed since the breakup.

I've self harmed a lot this year... .I see no psychiatrist though, I did years ago, no time for that now.

Thank you, you are very kind to me.

I think you need to make time, hidden. I think you can't afford not to. Young is relative. I'm 50, so when I said you sounded young, I guess I meant younger than me  :)

If I make more time, the 2 1/2 years of NC will become 3, half of our friendship. And then I'll never be allowed to be heard out or forgiven. I'm well over college age so just meant too old to easily make new friends.

1. At least 50% of my best friends are people I met after 35.

2. Your emotional health is way more important than making contact with this person. And even if it weren't--as I said before--you can't hope to repair that relationship if you are in such a precarious emotional state. The best you could hope for is a resumption of the unhealthy relationship you had before.

Okay, let's put it this way: whatever you decide to do about reaching out to your former friend, I really hope you also take care of yourself. In the end of the day, everyone needs social contact, and your friendships should not be contingent on the approval of a third party. Everyone needs to be able to forgive--and at least not to hate--him or herself. We all need a way of coping with pain that is not self-harming. Your former friend can't give you those things, and he never could. I understand that this isn't what you posted about, but it is not coincidental that those issues came up quite naturally.

Thank you. This is very logical and the right thing to do: to learn to love myself no matter what happens. I really am afraid though that I can never forgive myself. Last year I relapsed and my partner didn't support me, just yelled at me. Now I do it secretly. I keep thinking 'If my friend rejects me, just like I did, it's just fair to feel his pain tenfold and rid myself since I can only cause hurt to the ones I love.' Maybe I should re-visit a therapist just to see if I have BPD symptoms too... .

Thinking of this more today and trying to stay safe while I'm away because got no one else to talk to and scared

Scared of what?

Of my life. That I'll not make it. My relationship. My health. The rejection. Left all alone.

Living your life in fear is not a good place to be.  We all fear the same things, it's how we manage our fears is what is important.  We can't allow our fears to control and direct our lives as it will result in your last fear being realized. 

What do you think you can do for yourself to help relieve and manage these fears?

I'm not sure, I'm so lost.I have to travel far later this year. I fear I'll die there and never be able to confess my guilt to my best friend.

this is anticipatory anxiety. have you felt this way before?

Yes, almost from the moment I ended up enforcing NC

Dude... .this is too real. I'm still bouncing in between the mindset of moving forward and wallowing in my own sadness.

is it something you felt earlier in your life? perhaps before you met this person?

Unbearable, isn't it? If I had no guilt, I'd move forward... .

Yes but I don't know if it's been worse that most people who want to try something (like travel to a favorite country, try something exciting, do something they missed to do earlier) before they die.

I see nothing wrong with talking to someone if that is what your heart tells you to do then I would do it.

Hidden, i recommend reviewing this article i was reading the other day: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/conquer-fear-flying/201312/borderline-personality-disorder-and-anticipatory-anxiety

it may not apply to your situation exactly, but i think it very much describes the level of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that many of us feel with regard to the people with BPD in our lives. does any of it ring true for you?

Why do you feel guilty for removing yourself from an unhealthy situation?  Why do you feel responsible for your friends behavior?

Personally if my friend did the things yours did I would not be calling him a friend of any kind.  I don't need that toxicity in my life and neither do you.   Would you agree?

It's not the removing itself. It's the way it was done. By not giving him the full story and not responding with a long, honest explanation about my feelings. He was there for me for long years at my worst and I feel he deserved at least that much from me, no matter what happened between us all, but I was too cowardly too. And now I waited too long for any response for closure to be heard, this is how I feel.

Which of the things he did do you find as the most toxic, if you could give me your personal opinion? If not, I understand.

He is not your responsibility, his emotions are not your responsibility.   Write a heartfelt, honest and genuine email apologizing for what you feel you did wrong and only that.   You can't force him to hear, listen or respond to you but at least you will have cleared your conscious.  You don't really need a response and you shouldn't expect one.  You can post it here for feedback before/if you send it if you are comfortable doing that.  Sometimes just writing it out will give you the closure you need.  


Disrespect.  If there is no respect you have nothing.

A little, not too much since I wasn't ever told 'I'll die if you travel' or anything. Thank you for the link though, interesting read.

I know he is not, but I feel guilt because I didn't do what you described back when things were fresh and I was being begged to respond... .2 1/2 years after, who would wait that long... .? It's all my fault and it's destroying me.

But thank you. I'll try that ask as you all... .you are all so supportive when I can't function at all and want to stop existing


Thank you, may I ask what you found disrespectful most? Sorry for asking, really.

It doesn't matter how long it has been.  If my ex wrote me in 10 years with a heartfelt, sincere and genuine apology it would mean a lot to me.   That said, you aren't doing this for him, you are doing this for you ... .remember that when you write your letter.


Pretty much all the behavior you detailed in your first post Hidden.  He was disrespectful of both you and your BF/ his friend.  IMO he doesn't deserve an apology after the way he acted, but that is just me.

I'll do my best, thank you very much for helping me out... .I'm nervous about posting it in public but will see once I'm done.


Thank you for your answer. So you don't think that he was simply expressing the natural emotion of jealousy and anger (as he claims) and I just overreacted for saying it was against boundaries... .?

You are very welcome.  Only do what you are comfortable doing, no pressure.


Surely we have all said things we regret when jealous or angry, but it will never be a justifiable reason to treat someone with disrespect.  Has he given you a sincere apology for his behavior?  

You were not overacting IMO.  The expectation to be treated with respect should be a primary boundary for everyone and should always be enforced.  If someone cannot honor that boundary and repeatedly violates it then I feel it is entirely reasonable to remove that person from your life.   

I'll add that if I unknowingly violate that boundary I fully expect to be called out on it, at which point I will offer a sincere apology and take measures to prevent violating that boundary in the future.

I might be scared that it will be seen if posted here, so might have to see what to do with it exactly and get feedback still... .


Yes he did make a lengthy apology, to which I never responded to, hence the source of my years long guilt.

i can understand this. do you want him back in your life, or just to acknowledge his apology and make peace?

Both. Ideally I'd want us to be all to be friends again, but that's impossible since both uBPDfriend and bf hate each other now... .

Hidden,

we cant make any of these decisions for you, though we can help inform them, and help lead you to one.

the problem here is you will remain at a stalemate so long as you are ceding your will to either one of these gentlemen.

i know none of the options are especially good ones. which do you think presents the least bad consequences?

I apologize if it came across this way, I know it's not possible to make decisions for others.

Both seem to have equal bad consequences. 1. I never apologize/write letter = Guilt eats me up for even more years and finally kills me. 2. I wait more to attempt to = More time passes and he doesn't care about what I have to say and cuts me off = more guilt 3. I finally contact to apologize/explain and this leads to break up with the relationship I built with my boyfriend = boyfriend hurts self = heartbreak and no guarantee uBPDfriend will care about hearing me out after this long.

Hi hidden,



This is such a tough spot to be in. I'm sorry you are feeling so wracked with guilt.   I can really understand your feeling reluctant/anxious about reaching out to your friend.  

You've been given great advice in this thread. I might suggest speaking with a therapist, too. Is it possible for you to see one near you or reach out to your former one, even if only for a phone session or local recommendation? At times like these, we really need an objective view and from someone who knows the whole story. I very much understand hesitating to put everything out on the forum--I felt that way too when I first arrived. Know that whatever you are comfortable sharing is safe with us, and the possibility of your friend somehow seeing it is extremely unlikely.

What do you think of writing out a really heartfelt letter, for your own peace of mind, letting all your feelings out on paper... .then putting it aside for a few days in order to feel what comes up for you. Allowing yourself a bit of time afterwards to process your feelings (bring them to us or your therapist) and only then deciding if you want to reach out?

As you and others have said, this is about forgiving yourself. If you choose to make amends for how the breakup went down, please do it with the aim of peace in your heart. Of course you hope that it would bring comfort to your friend as well, but you can't control that. If you write from your heart and focus exclusively on your part of the situation with gentleness and compassion toward yourself, you will be doing the work of forgiveness and letting go of these debilitating thoughts. Then, it's not as important if the letter or email is sent or not, or how your friend does or doesn't react.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

Your kind words mean a lot to me. I went to 3 therapists actually... .all were pretty cold. The last one told me to just stop thinking about it. Another one who told me to call when I want to ask something, I called and told him I'm at work and wanting to jump off the window and he said 'and what am I supposed to do from the phone'?

Another one today suggested to put me in a psych ward while I was having a massive guilt episode. I cannot afford to be locked away from my work and relationship. Even if I need it. I have no friends to vent to anymore and my partner knows nothing of my anguish.

I want to write the letter but I'm so scared to share it publicly. If either one of them sees it here it's over for me. If anyone interested in seeing it I'd be really grateful... .

I'm sorry to hear this, Hidden. It's very upsetting to reach out for help and then experience such a lack of support.   If you are feeling really on edge, I heartily encourage you to keep reaching out anyway. There are hotlines in your area that you can call just to talk to someone. I know it must be hard to trust that you'll get someone understanding after what you've experienced, but there really are good listeners out there, I promise. Don't give up on yourself.


You don't have to share anything of what you've written publicly. Remember, this is about you, and your feelings about reaching out to your friend. In my view, what's important is that you see what you've written and then process the feelings that come up around that.

Try to be gentle with yourself. You did the best you could at the time. We all do. 

heartandwhole