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Title: The Strange and the usual Post by: JerryRG on May 29, 2016, 10:56:17 PM Thinking tonight
My eager acceptance of the unacceptable My comfort in the midst of danger My strides to understand the unexplainable My efforts to control the uncontrollable My belief in my omnipotence in the face of absolute failure What do I find in the chaos of others What comfort can madness bring What security in high drama can truly exist These are the cold harsh questions I want answers for Why return to and empty well to drink Why wait for love from a dead heart Why demand anything from nothing Is this all I know? Am I so blind? Begging for scraps from a barren table Laying down to be fed upon by the hungry wolves Consumed then laughed at Branded a fool for giving Food for the narcissist Supply What part of me feels so worthless as to be food for the narcissist Am I just nothing I became nothing to prevent them from taking everything Small target Less attention Don't show weakness It will be exploited Narcissistic supply Why else would I be with her? Why else would I allow such craziness to continue? Thank God I got away Just rambling :) Title: Re: The Strange and the usual Post by: once removed on May 29, 2016, 11:12:07 PM it seems like youre writing a lot of prose - its good writing, too.
after every breakup ive had, i go through a phase where i write a series of poetry/prose. i find it incredibly cathartic, and when i went through that phase with my uBPDex, i found by the time i was finished, i was mostly over the relationship. do you find the writing therapeutic or cathartic? what emotions do you find it harnesses or releases? Title: Re: The Strange and the usual Post by: JerryRG on May 29, 2016, 11:27:38 PM Hello once removed
I'm viewing my relationship from the viewpoint of the inner child. I understand why I would tolerate such madness and yet find it strangly familier and comfortable. I'm drawn to disfunction because of my foo. It's oviously all I know. I went back to my exgf knowing full well it was certain death and or the potential of jail or prison. I offered her my very life and for what? I now have choices, I could have fought to stay with her but miraculously I was able to hush my madness just long enough to walk away. It don't matter what I think or feel about her, the fact is she is seriously ill and there's nothing I can do to change her. I knew this was the final blow, the last scene, this was the end of a long dream and nightmare. You and others have helped me stay the coarse as I am blinded in the fog Title: Re: The Strange and the usual Post by: once removed on May 29, 2016, 11:28:57 PM do you find that the writing helps to process all of it or reveal anything? its creative stuff.
Title: Re: The Strange and the usual Post by: JerryRG on May 29, 2016, 11:39:35 PM Yes it does help, I love writing and once in a while I feel my true self again. I found it easy to blend into the background of our family and be the actor because actors don't have to feel, they just have to be convincing to the audience.
Once lost in the roles I lost who I was, only seldom knowing who I am. The price of conformity to a strict and harsh environment where uniqueness and creativity are threats to status quo. We must maintain the museum of appearances to keep the attention from reality. Why else would I blame myself and carry the guilt of my dad's alcoholism and utimatly my mother's misery? Scape goat were sent over a cliff to die, I tried to end my life several times to suit them. Guess I wasn't really the scape goat, just an actor on a stage |