BPDFamily.com

You will find a lot of stories here where the non and the BPD got along except for the fights. The only times I EVER had s problem with my ex uBPDgf was when she was dysregulating. We got along grandly. I was understanding, maybe overly understanding, and patient. When she discarded me it was a kick in the teeth because it came out of nowhere, another common theme. I just can't handle emotional intimacy. Now she's frantically going out of her way to avoid my friend (who introduced us) and myself. Why? Because she's afraid, more than likely.

So yours wasn't like mine in that the relationship got progressively worse?  Cuz dam, the good times steadily got outshined by the bad.  To the point that I sprinted to the courthouse to file papers. 

Sweet tooth, sounds like you and I are in a fairly similar place as far as recovery.  I still feel a lot of sadness about what has transpired, still holding onto shreds of hope.  How long are we going to hold on to those scraps before we let go fully?  I dunno.

I meant to say SHE just can't handle emotional intimacy.

We had ups and downs, but they were all related to her being wishy washy about us: wanting to just be friends, giving me mixed messages, etc. I was VERY patient and forgiving with her. We steadily progressed and she would back off, then pull me in again. I guess she just couldn't take it anymore. I feel badly for her. There's nobody who will be more patient with her or care for her as much as I did/do. She's her own worst enemy. I offered her everything that she said she wanted (other than financial stuff because right now I'm poor) and she threw it all away. It's tragic for both of us: She lost somebody who accepted her for who she was (I might be the only person who ever felt that way about her) and I lost the person I ever cared most about in my life. I'm starting to tear up now because of how sad it is.

And this is the glaring difference between my situation and yours.  You're still holding out hope that you can have a functional relationship with your ex, or maybe you don't care about the relationship functioning in a healthy manner, maybe all you care about is having someone and not being alone.  For me, I absolutely did not accept my ex for who she was.  She is a broken, disordered, abusive, self-absorbed, mean, vindictive, disrespectful, inconsiderate, pompous person.  Who I loved very much. Until I decided that my love for her did not take priority over my individuality and journey to growth and peace.  So screw her.  Let some other schmuck give it a shot, I'm out.

My person is broken, disordered, and inconsiderate. However, she is not mean, self-absorbed, vindictive, or disrespectful. Abusive is a judgement call in my situation. Like I said, I accepted her for all of her flaws.

Am I holding out hope? I don't know. Maybe. I still love her. I'm heartbroken. I'm bawling right now thinking about the situation. She simultaneously gave me the happiest and most difficult time of my life. She is the ultimate contradiction in all ways. She's heaven and hell.

That holds true for me too. However, when I paid attention to all the things she said during the breakup, arguments, etc., I noticed that she has been keeping a scoreboard the whole time. Maybe she has good memory, but the fact that she pointed out her "breaking point" of me apparently being angry, controlling, unloving, and so on... .shows that there was never trust and transparency between us. Could I have known she might have been doing this? Unlikely. After all, they are great at mirroring for you to fall for them hard at the beginning. Holding it all in pretending everything is grand until the eruption is probably relatively simple for her.

As for the mixed messages, my ex did that in our first breakup last year and again this year. Meeting her face to face during/after the breakup always guaranteed two things:

1. More details to why she broke things off.

2. Mixed messages in the form that she's doing you in bed in the next few moments

Whether or not she would come back all depends on what she's thinking. The same can probably be applied to your ex.

If my xBPDw had been constantly treating me like sh*t then I would have left her early on. But it just came out of nowhere and then she was back with me and loving again. That's why I stayed for 20 years. Emotional instability, that's what it is.

It's the big lesson I learned. If someone loves you sometimes then it's not real. That person is in love only when she feels love.

I offered my exBPD everything she pushed for. She got pregnant and was pushing marriage. I bought her a ring and proposed. The next day she treated me like crap and I left to set boundaries. I warned her over and over again to not disrespect me and talk to me the way she did. We never fought in person only when apart. At about the 10 week pregnant mark is when things went down hill. She use to come back after she or I would leave and would own up to what she had done wrong, now she just stays gone. She's 34 weeks pregnant and I've seen her twice since December and talked to her a handful of times only to have to convos go from her wanting to get along to blaming me for being hard to get along with lol.

I haven't spoken to her since April 9th. She had unblocked me from fb for whatever reason, but has stayed silent. It's funny around the 2 month mark after our split my exBPD sent me an article says red flags to watch out for dating a toxic man and said this is why she never took me back. The article stated everything that she had done lol. It's pretty sad that I've had friend send me screen shots since our split of my ex flirting with other men since we split. I find it sick that she's pregnant and still being an attn: seeker. Lol

I have to be honest, I have a problem with the title of this thread.

Let me say that I completely agree with what you say, that I certainly didn't have any problems, until I did. And they were massive, betrayal, relationship ending problems.

When she wasn't dysregulating, she was still spinning lies, being deceitful, probably cheating on me, subtly manipulating me and was completely self-centered. It was good because I was so caught up in 'blissful' married life that I didn't have a problem with any of this or I was simply unaware of what was actually going on around me (infidelity)

I think my ex is very high functioning and only appears to have huge blowups every few years. So of course she started dysregulating when I started becoming aware (or really my gut became aware) of things not being quite right. She lost control, I stood up for myself (not knowing about BPD) and she was gone, into the arms of another and I was yesterdays news.

So you see, my problem with this title is yes everything was fine and she wasn't dysrgulating BECAUSE she was was happily in control of a very unhealthy relationship where her source (me) was too romantically inexperienced and naive to see what was really going on.

Ouch. That hurt to re-read. It's the truth though and I'll be trying my best NEVER to fall into this trap again.

That's something a lot of people don't understand, and you hit the nail on the head. If they were dysregulating and/or abusive, nasty, etc ALL the time it would be easy to walk away and not look back. The emotional instability is also what makes me wonder if this is truly over, will she come back as if nothing ever happened? Who knows?

Did you though?

In my relationship every time I allowed myself to get closer to my ex emotionally (i.e. more emotionally intimate) she did/said something that would effectively push me away.  The more this happened the less I could handle allowing myself to be emotionally intimate with her.  This also impacted the physical relationship as well.  When she broke me I essentially lost pretty much all of my emotional connection to her.  I couldn't handle being emotionally intimate with her because I did not feel emotionally safe and she couldn't even acknowledge the damage she had done let alone take even the first step to repair it.  She had in many ways become a stranger to me.  

Yes, I did.

OK ... .so let me ask you this.  How does one achieve true emotional intimacy with someone who is incapable of it?

They don't.

Good.  So how does knowing this help you grasp the reality of the relationship?  Dig deep here.   :)

It means what most people want and what she is capable of giving are mutually exclusive. I understand this logically, but I'm not Mr. Spock. I can't just say, "my feelings are illogical" and have that be the end of it.

Emotional intimacy is difficult to me. It took me some time to admit it. I am now in a relationship with a non-BPD woman and I have a hard time dealing with her expressing negative feelings. I have to learn.

I was used to everything being fine and dandy and then - blam! - I was an absolute a**hole all of a sudden. I was hooked on the "find and dandy" part. I loved the times when I could do now wrong. When everything I did was just awesome.

My new woman reacts straight away when there is something she doesn't like that I do. I find it terribly hurtful. I am used to being treated like I was perfect. The distance that my BPD  ex kept from me made me feel so good. Looking back, what my ex did basically was to leave me alone until she dysregulated and attacked me. "Left alone", that is the key phrase to my whole problem. I want to be left alone because I fear intimacy.

But it's worth it to step out into the real world. I am being listened to for real. I am being touched with tender, loving hands. There are ups and downs, but we can work things out. It's not unpredictable and frustrating like BPD love, where you can do no right.

I used to feel supperior when I was with ex, because she was this disordered person. Now I realize that I have to learn too. I used to be the teacher, now I'm the student. And I'm really, really grateful.

this wasnt what i took from what C.Stein was suggesting.

you have mentioned previously being drawn to people that are already in a relationship, as well as being attracted to this emotionally unavailable person.

usually the underlying reason (there are many explanations that lead there) we are attracted to emotionally unavailable people is an unconscious fear of intimacy ourselves.

It's interesting that you feel that way. I can totally relate to the first part where everything was wonderful until "BAM!"

The second part was something I couldn't stand with my ex. She withheld information until it bothered her to point of no return; even if it's something miniscule as she feels I didn't do enough gentleman-like things. I actually appreciate it when people tell me what's up right away. It's something I've developed during the years I lived with my best buddies.

Yeah Sweet, it's very, very sad... .so much wasted potential; however, this is a lesson that teaches us that we should look for emotionally sane women.

That might be true for some people, but I don't have a fear of intimacy. I'm my own worst critic and self reflective. I do not have a fear of emotional intimacy.

One of the features I've read about these folks is that they tend to seek out a potential "savior" type. For example, my ex had some trust issues in terms of emotional intimacy and she sought me, much like you, who doesn't have much problem with intimacy, may it be physical or emotional.

I fell for the mirroring bait... .not pursuing someone who was cold to the approach.

That is what happened to me. I'm generally a nurturing type person, a caretaker, and my ex needs to be taken care of. We clicked that way. Like I said, it worked really well when she wasn't dysregulating. I shared very intimate things about myself with her, so the idea that I'm afraid of emotional intimacy is absurd.

that may be. the question remains: why do you seek out emotionally unavailable partners?


"unconscious" is the key word here. my ex and i were closer than any other person ive known. true intimacy wasnt there. the kind of relationship you describe - caretaking a person you discern "needs" to be taken care of does not necessarily equal intimacy.

dysregulation is a part of her. if this dynamic clicked, what went wrong? when, where?

We got to close and she freaked. That was that.

for someone with an unconscious fear of intimacy, it is far easier to get close to someone who is ultimately emotionally unavailable.

theres a pattern here. do you want to explore it or not?

There is nothing to explore.

then what are your goals here?

To gain knowledge, to heal, and to help others.

I know myself. I'm not the kind of guy to bang any woman who comes his way. I don't find a lot of women who I'm attracted to and are also attracted to me. Why? Well, I used to be obese. I've had self esteem issues my whole life because from the time I was 5 years old it was ingrained in my head by my family that I was inferior. Then I was sexually assaulted for a year and a half by my "best friend." I've been victimized repeatedly. All I know is abuse. It's hard to break out of it when you were a victim of parentalizing, sibling neglect, and child on child sexual abuse.

I know all of this. I know I'm f***** up and on some level I probably always will be. But I am NOT afraid of emotional intimacy. I am NOT a person with a victim mentality, even though I would be completely justified if I were. I already have a myriad of issues. Please do not go labeling me with more.

im not trying to label you sweet tooth, or suggest anything that doesnt apply to you.

i was a big guy myself in middle school. i was bullied. confidence doesnt come naturally to me. i spent a lot of high school not in a relationship, and the girls that were attracted to me were mostly unhealthy themselves. i dont think thats about a victim mentality. i think its natural and understandable. i had a major fear of rejection. when its ingrained in your head, especially by your family that youre inferior, low self esteem is often the result. this is all i mean when i refer to an unconscious fear of intimacy - or whatever you prefer to call it. fear of rejection, sense of inferiority, lack of confidence or self esteem, fear of abandonment. yes its hard to break out of, but not impossible.

do any of these dynamics ring true for you?Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person

(https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a117.htm)

I've analyzed myself until I was blue in the face. I know WHY I got to where I am. I don't know how to break out of it. Nobody seems to know how. I can't help who I'm attracted to. It isn't a choice. I can't help my feelings. They aren't right or wrong, they simply "are."

self awareness is a huge part of the battle. its the catalyst for change. you cant help who youre attracted to and no it isnt right or wrong, though attraction, in general, can change, as a result of self awareness and self improvement.

i dont mean to make it sound simple but that is how to break out of it. self awareness followed by self improvement.

i dont know how that applies to you personally, no. generally speaking practicing self care, building self confidence and self esteem are the "how". i very much understand that when we have been taught we are inferior all of our lives, betrayed by people that we are supposed to trust without inhibition, that we dont walk outside, practice a new hobby, and begin to love ourselves, or internalize self confidence or self esteem. its a far greater struggle.

youve been in therapy - have you discussed these things with your therapist? what is their suggestion on how to build self love for yourself?

I don't want to talk about this right now. It's too painful.

thats okay. you dont have to and nothing wrong with stating that. all of us at our own pace.

This is true, initial attraction is generally primal.  While you may not have a choice who you are attracted to, you absolutely do have a choice with regard to acting on those feelings.  You have the ability to say no ... .this person is not healthy for me even if I am attracted to them.  Or perhaps saying yes ... .this person is healthy for me even if I am not insanely attracted to them.  These are choices you can and must make for your own well being and emotional survival.

Who we fall in love with? Science gives us the answer, and it really makes sense:

1. We are attracted to those who look like us. People who have a similar physical appearance to ourselves.

2. We are attracted to those we think (or know) are attracted to us.

3. We are attracted to that which is familiar to us.

It makes so much sense to me. It explains why I like people who are "in my league" look-wise. It also explains why I am attracted to girls with little or no boundaries. They appear (easily) available and prepared to "like" me, albeit in exchange for me tolerating all kinds of crap from them.

I think most of us recognize that mechanism when you understand that someone seems to be interested in you, that a thought is born there; "What if... .?".

I am also attracted to girls who have the attitude I expect from girls. Normal, happy girls... .I just don't understand them. I can even fend them of as shallow and boring.

The article is in Swedish, but it's a great summary of the mechanisms of falling in love, however uncomfortable it may to be have science (as opposed to psychotherapy) tread into this field.

www.gaudeamus.se/2015/03/nar-man-blir-kar/

Wow that's definitely not the case for me. 


That sounds like you under value yourself.  Low self-esteem perhaps?

Yes, of course. How would anyone with normal self-esteem end up with a borderline partner?

That made me laugh, it's just so very true!