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Today I finally finished moving out of my sisters apartment. She  has some kind of very severe personality disorder. I have been living there for five years, not with her, she lives in another town.  But it's one of those messed up situations where my uBPD  mother is paying my rent while in school, basically paying the mortgage for my sister. I never wanted to live there because business with family always ends ugly and my family, but my mom basically forced me and at the time I didn't have the fortitude to fight the FOG. Well surprise, he we are five years later, and I have to move out, and it got ugly. I am blamed for all the problems in the apartment, even though it's older and require some upkeep. The toilet broke, my fault. The floors were damaged before I moved in, my fault. My mom told me she would pay for my rent in June, and I assumed that meant I could live there in June. But instead my sister demanded that I move out by June 1. I found this out one week ago, so I scrambled to pay for earlier rent at my new place so I could move out in time.  My mother always defending my sister, who was always the emotionally needy one and who tantrums, and told me "you should understand, because if you don't get out soon enough and she can't finish the work she needs to do to rent to somebody else, I will have to pay for July rent also". Seriously? So you are paying for my rent, and then you're paying for a month of rent when I am not living there, And you are also considering paying for a second month of rent when I'm not living there. My sister makes well over six figures, and I am a recent grad starting residency making 48k.  Obviously my salary is not to complain about, but just the principle that my mother is helping my much older sister economically and refuses to help me in any way is just hurtful and offensive, especially since I have to survive off of my limited savings for 2 months  after med school before I start work. My mother insists she doesn't play favorites. "Look at everything I've done for you, helping you live in this beautiful place for five years."

I am just so tired. I didn't even fight any of it because I am just so tired. Nobody sees the incredible dysfunction here. I told my sister I couldn't get the furniture out by June 1 with such short notice,  especially because I was going to try to sell some of it. She had a meltdown, told me that "you and your husband should both just die, drop dead" and called my mother, who called me, and offered to buy my furniture from me to donate it, just to appease my sister. She said my sister denies telling me to go die and I should forgive her. As if. The most offensive part to me is that my mother was the person who purchased my furniture for me to begin with. So now she's offering to buy it again just to appease my sister. I told her I'm a goddamn adult and I can handle it myself and I don't want her money.

My brother-in-law has told me that he desperately wants reconciliation with me and my sister. But I told him I can't do that with the way my sister talks to me. Not until something is different. She is a terror, and after today, being told that I should just drop dead, I can't forget those words. I am considering going noncontact forever. Permanent  The finality of it scares me. But I just can't do this anymore with her. I am already limited contact with my mother and I feel so alone sometimes. And alien in my own family.  I just want to be happy.

Hi Greenglit,

Enmeshed families can react strangely to changes in dynamics. In general- all family members tend to take on a role that stabilizes the family unit as a whole. No matter what your sister's salary, the financial entanglements between her and your mother are a form of enmeshment- emotional- independent of earnings. For people who see themselves as "victims" there is often a family scapegoat- the one they blame as the cause of their problems. That is irrational as well,  but it serves the function of family members not looking at themselves being responsible. This apartment issue sounds like these kinds of dynamics at play.

Your moving out, in a sense is rattling the cages. It's a good thing- for adult children to grow up, move on, become independent, but change is unsettling and families react. Sometimes they react by casting out the family member because they see that person as the cause of their discomfort- rather than a normal life stage.

I too have been really hurt by things family members have said to me. However, since I tend to say what I mean, I assume they do too. Yet, they can say some horrible things, and later not even recall them and feel fine, while I feel hurt and shook up. It helps to look at this as a form of projection. They feel bad so they have to get the bad feelings out- at someone. What your sister did was verbal vomit- and that's it- say something horrible and hurtful and puke out the bad feelings. Like a kid with a stomach ache, they puke and feel better. But she puked on you.

This visualization has helped me not take this kind of thing personally. I also imagine someone saying something irrational to me. If someone called you a pink elephant, it wouldn't hurt you. You are quite certain you are not a pink elephant. You would not be hurt, because you would think it was absurd. The mean words they say are just as absurd, but they hurt our feelings because we give them meaning. But in the moment, during the verbal rage- the words are not about you, but about them. Now, if someone says something mean to me, I think "pink elephant". I even take a long shower after visiting BPD mom- as a way to "wash off " the emotional garbage. Now, she can say just about anything, and it doesn't bother me because I know it is about her, not anyone else.  :)

I used to feel hurt that my mother helps sibs more than me, but it is a blessing in a way to be painted black. Financial help is part of the FOG- the sibs she helps are more obligated to her. I choose to be in contact with my mother, but it helps to know that whatever I do- contact or not, is my choice to make. Congratulations on this next step into your career. In a way, your success may feel like a threat/change to the family dynamics, but it is a good thing.

Hi GreenGlit,


The things our BPD family-members say to us can be very hurtful indeed. Even when you know about BPD, distorted thinking and projection, it still is very unpleasant and hurtful to hear your own sister say such words to you. I am very sorry you had this experience. Whether you go NC or not, I think you are absolutely right to stand up for yourself and protect yourself from this verbal abuse. Going NC is always a very personal decision and does not have to last forever of course. No matter how you decide to move forward with your sister, I think the most important thing is that you use the time to work on your healing and coping skills so you'll be better able to handle whatever may lie ahead.

The accompanying drama was quite unpleasant, but I am glad you are moving out into your own place :)

Take care