BPDFamily.com

Recently, I've been reflecting upon how miserable I feel and why I resist doing things that might make my life happier, particularly within the realm of work and career.


I've just read something in Shari Manning's book 'Loving someone with BPD' that I feel really applies to me. I'd like to share it. The author is talking about Cindy, a woman whom she describes as having enormous potential, who graduated at the top of her class but had gone through repeated hospitalisations and had begun to drink daily:



'People would tell her that she should get out, get a job, volunteer - anything to make herself feel better. Cindy would talk about how she was going to go back to school and finish her social work degree. Everyone knew that Cindy would gain momentum after she started school and realized that she could pass the classes. However, in spite of her talk, Cindy never began a class. Cindy did not think she could pass. She saw herself as stupid and broken. She felt so much shame about being less than capable that she never enrolled in the program. Her shame kept her from doing something that would have built some mastery, made her feel better about herself, and ultimately decreased the shame.'


This woman sounds so much like me. I've spent my whole life, on and off, trying to find a career path but blocking myself because I feel that I'm not good with people, that they do not like me and wouldn't co-operate with me because I'm somehow inadequate... .BUT ADDING 'SHAME' TO THE EQUATION MAKES IT ALL MAKE EMOTIONAL SENSE AT LAST: I feel such shame about being less than capable socially (possibly due to AS) that I never even applied for a job or a career path that would bring me a sense of fulfilment. My shame kept me from taking a path that would have built up my sense of mastery, made me feel better about myself and ultimately decreased my feelings of misery. Instead, I followed paths that increased my sense of being useless and that made me miserable because they were boring, repetitive and didn't fulfil me in anyway. Had I followed the other route, my shame would have diminished, instead it has grown because I sought to avoid feeling it.



The author said something else that hit home about pwBPD:

'Because of their hardwired sensitivity and their inability to regulate their emotions, behaviours, and relationships, their lives end up chaotic. They lose people, jobs, opportunities. Many of my clients have told me that they woke up on day and were 50 years old and just learning how to live their lives - that they had missed so much and were filled with despair. Sometimes, when people with BPD begin to improve in therapy, hopelessness and suicidal behaviour will reemerge because of the grief that they feel about having "wasted their lives" '

Minus the suicidal feelings, that's exactly how I feel. I am 52. I have spent 25 years in therapy or personal development of one kind or another just trying to learn to cope with my emotions, my pain, people and life generally. Now I am beginning to come out the other end and sense that I have the skills to cope with a job, I feel I have missed the boat. I fear it's too late, that the time for career opportunities is over. I fear that even if opportunities are there, I will continue to waste my life because I know how I tend to avoid things. Yet I am aware of my mortality and want to make something of myself whilst it is still possible to do so.



I feel very, very sad.

Love Lifewriter