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I work with my exBPDgf, and have had a tumultuous 9 month relationship with her. I've been recycled many times (my fault for accepting) Have gone no contact for weeks at a time, and just as I'm doing better in my life, I always go back. I know she isn't good for me, I've read as much as I can on BPD, my family is beginning to give up on me because they know the pain she's causing me and despite all that, I can't shut her off from my life.

I was beginning to get over her, when this Monday she came and speak to me with the pretext that we are coworkers and should be professional enough to be civil to each other at work. We acknowledged that we should be able to be happy, and just get along. That same night, I agreed to go out for drinks with her. I was in the mindset that we know we're not meant to be in a relationship, but we should at least do the up most to try to get along.

The evening was punctuated with her pretty much telling me that I am the cause of all the problems in her life. According to her, friends are not speaking to her, because they are sick and tired of hearing about her relationship problems with me. She's having problems with her parents ... .because of me. In other words it's clear she has painted me black. In between all this she would reminisce about the good times we had. She mentioned she missed my touch, and the way I made her feel.  I drove her home, and she invited me to her place. We talked a a bit more, and ended up having amazing sex.

The next morning she turned cold. I got the impression that the only reason I was with her, is that there was nobody else available at that moment. She called me 2 days later, and I ended up going to her place. The moment I saw her, I knew that something was off. It was just the expression on her face. As the night went along she began to F.O.G me. Later, the put downs began. She went fishing for commitment, asking me to change many things, but obviously no changes to be made on her end. We went to a local bar, where of course she began showing her attributes to anyone with a pulse, as I was sitting right next to her. Ended up at her place where we slept together again.

I have to admit, that being fully aware that she will never change, I stuck around for the sex. I now realize that I was the best option available for her at that time. She could not be alone, and her bed is never cold. The next morning, she pretty much forced me to leave. I saw that her expression had changed, and I could see the hate in her eyes.

I spoke to her during the workday, and she accused me of keeping her up late, and how she was bothered by the fact that I wasn't considerate enough to let her get the sleep she needed before a workday.  We are to consensual adults, she asked me to stay, she's the one who changed into a skimpy outfit, and yet she made me out to be the bad guy for not parenting her.

The next day, I'm greeted with a fake smile, but a definite hate in her eyes. She began toying with me, making it obvious that I wasn't enough for her . She implied that she wanted to see me that same night, and then changed her mind at the last minute. In the mean time, I have part of her fan club being mean to  me. It's obvious that she has began smearing me, probably along time ago. I have people looking at me weirdly, some common coworkers won't even speak to me. Coworkers who I thought close to me stopped speaking to me, but would laugh it up with her.

I now realize that she was playing me. She was shaming me, making it seem to our coworkers that I would never have a shot with her. I had a visit from one coworker who I've always been close too pretty much suggesting I should change jobs. She just made it seem as if I was unwelcome at our workplace.

I get the smearing, I get the devaluation (because I refused to commit to her) I get the put downs, and snidely remarks. I get that she's out to destroy me. I don't have the explanation as to why she wanted to sleep with me, and treat me like her lover.

As of today I feel coworkers will turn on me. It's a given, I see it already. I'm just dumb founded as to why she would to sleep with me, if she hates me, and plans on destroying me? Is it a power play, where she gets off on the fact that despite all the harm she's causing me, I can't stay away from her?

Rayban. What you describe is fairly common for people with BPD.  "I hate you, dont leave me" is a common description of the BPD mindset in relationships.

What are you doing to protect yourself? It sounds like she's doing a fair bit of damage.

Man, reading this brought up a lot of memories. I say, if you have even a glimmer of hope to walk away, do it. I was sucked in too deep to walk away, even though my gut told me to. Better you do it now and keep some sort of self respect than her doing it and you being completely screwed up about it.

I'm sorry to see that this is happening to you Rayban. I would probably just change job at this point, unless you have ways to somehow protect yourself from the onslaught. Even though I hope people are better than that, but it seems like your ex is pretty good at manipulating the crowd (or have folks orbiting around her).

(Part of me is glad that I didn't take on my ex's persuasion to work at her company.)

As we often say around here, you might never figure her out. It could be she just wanted sex. It could be she wanted attention. It could be she was having fun messing with your head. It could be she is lonely and hurting and in pain, and has no way to access those feelings, and so she does this kind of hurtful stuff. Maybe it is all the above.

At this point all you can do is examine your own actions, and decide what path you want to be on forward. Do you feel you have good insight as to why you slept with her? What was going on for you? Were you hopeful you were recycling or was it sexual desire or? I think it really helps to be honest with ourselves.

I was recycled by my ex for sex many times. There were times my own hunger for touch and love and hope lead me to reengage that way, only to find days or even hours after love-making that felt profound to me, he turned on me once more and became verbally and emotionally abusive, smeared me to his friends, and then rejected me. Sounds a lot like what you are going through.

Recycles often become more and more volatile, with shorter honeymoons or none at all, more scathing behavior, worse rejections and getting painted blacker than black.

At this point it sounds she cannot recycle you without admitting to everyone at work she was wrong about you, and my experience is this: not going to happen.

So... .what do you want, moving forward? Do you want to make a plan for yourself to avoid ending up in bed with her? Look for new work? What can you start to hope for in a wonderful, much happier and healthier future for YOU?

Hi,

This is from my experience, you are on a long road with out a turn if you continue. My BPD/npd ex wife left when my son was 6 mo old, now he's 9. Up until a year ago I did everything under the sun to prove my worth to her, only to be treated like a dog. There was times I was lonely and wanted the touch of a woman, I'm human. I lost my dignity, she would insult me and I would still be as nice as it could. She never saw me as anything. You can save your self a lot of confusion and pain if you walk away. They will feed off of you until someone else comes along. It has been a painful 8 years and the last year was pain in can't even describe. 3 years ago I was dying, it a a miracle I'm alive and when I got my final heartless discard I prayed every night for god to take me, he had the chance on the operating table, why did he not. Read these posts, soak them in and realize once you are black, your black forever.

I've decided to go no contact with her even at work. In the end it's just better for me. I know that she will turn this around to others of another example of me being uncooperative and abusive. It bugs me to see so many people side with her, when I've seen her betray other coworkers that she had split.

Why did I make the decision to see her? I just think I got wrapped up in the talk we had on Monday. She seemed sincere, and I drifted back to the honeymoon phase. I guess she liked the reflection I gave off. I was feeling high off our interaction. Felt happy confident, maybe she was turning the page. The invite for drinks came as we were leaving. All I could think about at that point was sleeping with her. I knew it was going to happen.

I was willing to sit through 2 hours of her testing me to see if I was willing to commit. I know deep down inside, I could never be in a serious relationship with this woman. She sensed that, but yet still agreed to sleep with me ... .twice. The second time, she was outwardly resentful . It was her body language, her snide remarks, back handed compliments, but she still kept me around. I just let them bounce off me. I just wanted to have sex with her again. I think a lot of the anger was self directed, and projected on to me. I guess she resented the fact that she rather be with someone she hates then be alone.

My mistake, was not thinking about the consequences. I was in a decent place slowly moving along. Some days, I would remind myself constantly of the lying, cheating, flirting, verbal abuse and it would help me stay away from her. On that day, I developed amnesia. In the end as amazing as the sex could be, it will never compensate for my sanity.

Rayban,

I've been where you are. My ex never really painted me black, but I did feel devalued. She was adament that we were not in a relationship, but she still wanted sex from me.  I felt used, but I didn't have it in me to turn down the sex, which was always great.  I never gave a lot of thought to the consequences.  In the end I lost my job and my reputation was ruined.  I'm glad that you have decided to disengage. I only wish that I could have found the strength to do that before it all blew up in my face.

I quoted the above because this is the only thing you should remember and to keep it front and center in your mind. 

What a tough way to learn a lesson but sometimes we have to have that second (or third, or fourth ... .) go around for the futility of the situation to finally sink in.  I am sorry you had to go through this.  I know how hard it is to let go of the hope.