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"hi" puts the ball back in her court.

What I want is her to seek help, but I don't think she ever will. I know what happens if I end up getting back with her... .the same result, but a shorter relationship.

You think that is better than saying who is this? What I want is her to seek help, but I don't think she ever will. I know what happens if I end up getting back with her... .the same result, but a shorter relationship. I'll be honest I have no clue what I want. I don't want to see her romantically at this moment, but I'm afraid old emotions might come back if start reconnecting.

"get help or i cant communicate with you" is kind of jumping the gun and im not sure its the best definition of strong boundaries.

You guys are right about not playing games and stuff, but I don't want to come in eager and caring either.

so I wrote who is this? And she replied k wow. Its been 5 months and all she had to say was hello.

I think everyone is wondering what my intentions are: I honestly do not have any. I just want to see where it goes.

Wow, the support and responses have been amazing. I didn't know what to say so I wrote who is this? And she replied k wow. Its been 5 months and all she had to say was hello. I think everyone is wondering what my intentions are: I honestly do not have any. I just want to see where it goes. I been seeing someone casually and finally understand what a real healthy relationship is. I know that I can't take the pain and heartbreak to be back with her again. I don't know what to reply now... .You guys are right about not playing games and stuff, but I don't want to come in eager and caring either.

Wow, the support and responses have been amazing. I didn't know what to say so I wrote who is this? And she replied k wow. Its been 5 months and all she had to say was hello. I think everyone is wondering what my intentions are: I honestly do not have any. I just want to see where it goes. I been seeing someone casually and finally understand what a real healthy relationship is. I know that I can't take the pain and heartbreak to be back with her again. I don't know what to reply now... .You guys are right about not playing games and stuff, but I don't want to come in eager and caring either.

I want to generally lead the conversation to us talking about her seeking treatment. What should I say as in how should I build the convo is that direction? and what should I avoid saying?

You think that is better than saying who is this? What I want is her to seek help, but I don't think she ever will. I know what happens if I end up getting back with her... .the same result, but a shorter relationship. I'll be honest I have no clue what I want. I don't want to see her romantically at this moment, but I'm afraid old emotions might come back if start reconnecting.

Are you saying you're open to the idea of getting back together if she sought treatment and was committed to therapy?

What should I say or reply back?

I'd like to share something that I hope may help. I was with my dexBPDgf for 6 years, the last two she was in treatment (DBT). I seem to be one of the few that was in a relationship with someone that was diagnosed, is taking responsibility for it, and has been actively in therapy for it. I was also around the first 4 years before there was a diagnosis let alone therapy/meds so I've been on both sides of this. I understand that all situations are different just as each one of us is different. The same hold true to our exBPD's,.

After so many cycles and break ups, even while in treatment I can say, from my experience, that just because they are in  therapy that things do not magically change. They still have a serious mental illness, there's no changing that. They still have the same thoughts, emotions, and coping mechanisms. The difference is she was slowly learning self awareness and coping strategies. I would like to be able to tell you that it made all the difference in the world but that's not the case. I did see progress and many changes in her life but in the end, at her core, she's still the same. Do I think there is hope for continued progress for her. Yes I do. But there is such a small chance of her getting to recovery it is a long road taking years and years.

I can say from my experience, after her in therapy for two years now that the lying, ,manipulation, rages, silent treatments, control and punishments, the intense push/pull cycles still continue. I am finding out that she still had and hid other guys as she needs that attention and validation. Up until the end she professed her total love and commitment to me, I'm her soul mate, she cannot imaging ever being with anyone else, that i set the bar too high, and on and on and I believed it all. Until the final push cycle where she ended it.

I also went thru her leaving and no contact for 6 months at a time to her coming back telling me what i needed to hear. During every single time of her leaving and being NC she went right to another man. And each time she left him and came back right to me. I also was given closure, something very few seem to get. I was given a long text explaining why shes ending it including focusing on her kids and her therapy, rebuilding her life.

I then found out, after her ending it, that this was not the real reason why she ended it. She went right to a new man. So like many I was devalued, pushed out, discarded, and she ran right to my replacement. He is very successful, a well known local celebrity, and shes on cloud 9 showing him off and riding the high of this. I am painted black as can be and know that I'll never hear from her again. And as much as it hurts, I know that's best.

So my point is we can tell ourselves that if they just get help. If they just pour themselves into treatment that things will change. And in some aspects they will. But from my experience though she has made incredible progress, her BPD is still in control and all the damaging behaviors are still there.

I still struggle every minute of every day thinking, she's in therapy, if I just hold on long enough that things will get great again. Myy mind continues to say, she will be different with the new guy, she will change because of therapy, and they will live happily ever after. But I know that's not really true and despite her in therapy her devaluation and push cycle will still happen. And then onto the next new guy.

Reality is, she still mentally ill and I cant change that. And after two year of her in therapy, its still an incredibly hard and damaging relationship to be in.

Hi Codes 

So this is interesting because I am on month 3 of NC with my exBPD and I often wonder if he is going to come back into my life. I've made it incredibly hard as I've changed my number etc. but he knows he can always email me.

Anyways... .'

It sounds like you are doing well right now and have done the necessary work to move on with your life. I'm in therapy myself and the cost of me progressing (slowly albeit) is enough to make me never want to deal with this again every time I look at the tallied therapist bill. But with that said I can understand your temptation to respond and test if a friendship would work out if you just did ___________ differently. So I'm going to do for you what I hope someone does for me should I find myself posting this same subject in 2 months! LOL I'm going to dish out advice coming from what I KNOW. Not what I think could be or offer hopeful maybe's. You have to take people's mental illness seriously and fully understand what that she is reaching out to your because she needs something from you after not wanting or having anything to do with you for the past 5 months. So just think about that for a second. Why? What do you think she could want? Do you really want to help and be pulled back in the drama?

Taking a hit to the heart after dealing with all their BS and  mindf*** games they put your though is not worth it even for friendship in my experience. It somehow always gets twisted in the end because of their selfishness and inability to accept responsibility for their sometimes crappy behavior. Although they are so much fun and feel like your best friend the constant push pull will never go away. They need it to feel what they can't. They are emotionally immature. They think they have to feel missing you to prove that they love you. Once they have you love they think they can find someone better yet they dont want to fully let you go just in case the other thing doesn't work out. You're supposed to put your life on hold and sit and wait with your undying love until she comes back on HER TERMS. The arrogance of the condition is impressive.

This constant wear and tear on our emotions and psyche will eventually compromise our own mental health and well being if you stay in contact with her. Also we all know that BPD's always obsess over their ex until they have devalued you to the point where they don't. Keep your power and head high and keep moving forward with your life. Know she will hold you on a pedestal and brag about you to every new guy because you got away and didn't take anymore of her crap. 

Know that you if you respond that is all she needs to know that you still care. If you do decide to have a friendship with boundaries know that pushing boundaries and testing people is a part of their disorder. You would have to go into the friendship expecting her to treat you as poorly as she has with no change. It's up to you if you want deal with that in your life. 

Good Luck!

I'd like to share something that I hope may help. I was with my dexBPDgf for 6 years, the last two she was in treatment (DBT). I seem to be one of the few that was in a relationship with someone that was diagnosed, is taking responsibility for it, and has been actively in therapy for it. I was also around the first 4 years before there was a diagnosis let alone therapy/meds so I've been on both sides of this. I understand that all situations are different just as each one of us is different. The same hold true to our exBPD's,.

After so many cycles and break ups, even while in treatment I can say, from my experience, that just because they are in  therapy that things do not magically change. They still have a serious mental illness, there's no changing that. They still have the same thoughts, emotions, and coping mechanisms. The difference is she was slowly learning self awareness and coping strategies. I would like to be able to tell you that it made all the difference in the world but that's not the case. I did see progress and many changes in her life but in the end, at her core, she's still the same. Do I think there is hope for continued progress for her. Yes I do. But there is such a small chance of her getting to recovery it is a long road taking years and years.

I can say from my experience, after her in therapy for two years now that the lying, ,manipulation, rages, silent treatments, control and punishments, the intense push/pull cycles still continue. I am finding out that she still had and hid other guys as she needs that attention and validation. Up until the end she professed her total love and commitment to me, I'm her soul mate, she cannot imaging ever being with anyone else, that i set the bar too high, and on and on and I believed it all. Until the final push cycle where she ended it.

I also went thru her leaving and no contact for 6 months at a time to her coming back telling me what i needed to hear. During every single time of her leaving and being NC she went right to another man. And each time she left him and came back right to me. I also was given closure, something very few seem to get. I was given a long text explaining why shes ending it including focusing on her kids and her therapy, rebuilding her life.

I then found out, after her ending it, that this was not the real reason why she ended it. She went right to a new man. So like many I was devalued, pushed out, discarded, and she ran right to my replacement.

So my point is we can tell ourselves that if they just get help. If they just pour themselves into treatment that things will change. And in some aspects they will. But from my experience though she has made incredible progress, her BPD is still in control and all the damaging behaviors are still there.

I still struggle every minute of every day thinking, she's in therapy, if I just hold on long enough that things will get great again. But that thought process is me projecting what I want onto her instead of looking at reality, and that is, even after years of treatment, she still mentally ill and I cant change that.