BPDFamily.com

Out of the 100,000 members worldwide

And 1000's and 1000's of posts, about troubled relationships due to a partner having BPD.

Are there REAL examples of where a partner has been dumped after a long/ish relationship ( those more than a year ), gone through all the classic signs of being cast aside out of the blue... .

And then after a period of months or years!

The relationship was rekindled, real love broke through the fog,

... .And has blossomed ever since?


I cant seem to find any happy endings after the storm?... .are there any?

Have you looked at the SUCCESS stories from the Improving board?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

They're mostly about people whose relationships improved while they were still together, but some of them talk about having to separate before progress was possible.

I was thinking today something similar, if there is any board out there of people in a GOOD relationship. People just post all day long how inlove they are and how wonderful the relationship is, and how much the sex is better and better even after 20 years and they keep falling deeper ad deeper in love... .:-) 

If you can find something like this, let me know.

Depends what are you looking for... .

Success story is a relative term... .Someone will consider something as a success, and someone will still think of that as a horror story... .

This was my opinion also when I read those success stories in my earlier phase of healing... .

The most important thing is radical acceptance... .This is really the main thing I believe... .To me the success story is not when pwBPD goes to therapy and 'gets better'. Success story requires two sides. One is BPD going to extensive therapy (I am not talking just 1-2 years of DBT. DBT only teaches how to process traumatic emotions. pwBPD needs extensive psychodinamic and psychoanalytical therapy to heal core trauma which requires a lot of effort and time) and the other is radical acceptance of partner that needs to accept this illness. This is something that is easy to write down but it is extremely hard to do. Also, (my opinion again), I believe person involved in relationship with pwBPD needs therapy also for long term success or at least to make life easier.

I believe I recognized that there are missing several elements for this 'success story'. To be honest, when I left I didn't have this prerequisites on my mind, I defined them during my healing and during therapy. I know that I have issues (codependency/narcissistic traits) and I am currently also 'sick'. Someone has diabetes - I am codependent. Now I know that we were toxic for each other because of our issues and success story is very hard to achieve, especially since she randomly goes to therapy to the therapist who, I believe, comforts her and not actually heals her. It is not easy, I must admit, I think of her every single day, in different perspectives.

Also, in me is still alive some portion of hope that one day we both will be better and maybe we can try again.

It is not my primary goal for healing, because that would be stupid, but I must admit to myself that this small hope exists. It is not a healthy motivator, but... .

Who know what life brings, and what will be our success story at the end. The thing I know now for sure is that I need to heal, not just from BPD r/s but from more core trauma. She needs to do that also, but I cannot control that. I can only work on my issues and that is what I am trying to do... .   

Maybe there are this types of r/s with BPDs but why would you have a person to post stories like that. They enjoy in their life, they don't have time to post... .:)

I actually have two diagnosed women with BPD on my Facebook. Both of them cheat. Both of them have left their relationships on and off. I don't think they are many good endings. I'm sure they are but not many.

There are websites with that focus, but not this one, except maybe the Improving board, where folks can report that it's 'better'.  But for the most part folks, like me, get here by Googling 'psychopath' or some such and feeling like they're going insane, and seeing a glimmer of hope and many similar stories, and connecting.  And like BBS said, if someone ends up in an awesome relationship, the reason to be here no longer exists, so we would never know.

So why do you ask spooktor, are you looking for some hope that your relationship may work out?

I don't know of a "happily ever after" with someone with BPD. Best I've seen is "happy up to a point".

This is the closest I've seen to what you describe since I've been here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293945.0


NCEA, I think the reason you don't see such posts anywhere on the net is because people that are generally fulfilled don't bother posting about it. I mean, would you? I know I wouldn't.

I think I would. In fact I'd probably write a book about it. It will be a combination of everything from this site + being open to swinging and sexual exploration  combined with taking vacations together but also alone. The secret to intimacy, ironically , in my opinion - is space.

Space is good... .having different interests is good. Having an affair and seeing someone else while apart is not. I keep thinking about if my ex were to come back, there is no way I would ever have the same feelings for him that I did when I thought he really loved me and was committed to me. The fact that he has been with other women and even formed a relationship with one, no matter if it turns out he realizes he made a big mistake- I will never feel the same love towards him that I once had. It's really sad.

Maybe, maybe not. Personally, one horror story is enough to walk away. Before I joined this board, I was on another board (don't remember the name). And there was a guy there, who after something like 15 years was leaving his BPD wife. She was officially diagnosed. The guy spent years of his life trying to get her "better", hundreds of thousands of dollars on psychiatrists trying to get her better, bent over backwards with his behavior and communication techniques. The outcome? Absolutely no improvement.

In the end, life is too short for this. Literally. You only have 60-70 years that you can enjoy and you are going to spend a good percentage of that on becoming some sort of a BPD martyr? If there was one thing to be selfish about, I would think how you spend those few years you get to enjoy your life would be it.

Ditto.  When only one "moves on", especially in replace -> discard manner, if there were a reconciliation it would never ever be the same, even if you don't realize it.  Perhaps if both moved on then reconciled it might be a little different but even then what you once had you will never have again.  In that case it would be a chance at a "fresh" start, if there is such a thing.

C. Stein... .I agree with everything you said. Even knowing that some of us still struggle with wanting them back. Knowing it would never be the same... .

And from a borderline's perspective, where attachments and abandonment are the continual focus, a breakup is abandonment in a borderline's head, regardless of who ended it or what went down, so a reconciliation would include even more certainty by the borderline that the attachment would abandon them, it's already happened.  And I can attest, as many here can, that the wheels really come off the relationship when there is no trust either way, yet some of us had to try, didn't we?

I am certain in my ex's mind I abandon her even if it was really the other way around. 

It all comes down to respect and trust.  As much as I want to believe it could work when I seriously consider another round, especially marriage and kids, it scares the hell out of me.  The sad fact of the matter is she is not trustworthy and has shown repeatedly she has little respect for me.  The anxiety and emotional stress that produces is not the way I want to live ... .I can't and won't live like that.  It is truly sad because she has the potential to be my perfect partner but when the cards are on the table and it is time to stand up and make the right decisions she can't.  I could deal with the occasional melt downs, the complaining, the negativity, all the short term BPD behavior that is "superficial".  What I can't deal with is long term deceptions and affairs (i.e. hurtful and destructive actions with cognitive intent).   These aren't in the emotional moment kinds of things, they are willfully and knowingly executed actions that are continually maintained over a long period of time.  Disordered or not, emotionally immature or not, I have a hard time believing that at some point there isn't recognition that what is being done is wrong.

Why do you think that? How can you know this? Because this confuses me, I actually don't know who she is... .I cannot divide her and her truly personality (I mean, she is BPD, she has no self) from her mirroring... .

Nice!  And if the "it" is a friendship, what if an ideal friendship is characterized by mutual respect and mutual trust.  And what if an ideal relationship is characterized by an ideal friendship at its core.  Now that we've experienced NOT THAT, sometimes in an extreme way, we can use it to get very clear on our goals moving forward, very clear on whom we will allow in our lives and whom we won't.  It's a brand new day, if we say so... .

Because I can see where the "borderline" is. 

IMO ... .IT IS!  When the over the top honeymoon stage is over ... .when the bunny stage comes to an end ... .when the aches and pains of daily life set in what are you left with?  FRIENDSHIP!  I believe this is one of the core reasons why the divorce rate is so high ... .a true friendship is never established before marriage.