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At my parents. I'm only beginning to grasp the shame and other nonsense that was loaded onto me as a child.

They have no excuse. "Blah blah blah. Your father and I had difficult childhoods" was the response I got when I started asking some pointed questions.

Excuses don't cut it.

It was hard to admit my wife had a mental illness, but it was even harder to admit that my mother is likely a full blown pwBPD.

Don't let me get started on my own stuff  - the insanity of co-dependence.

Hard stuff to face

I don't think there is a word strong enough for the kind of anger we feel when we are hit with wave after wave of realization about the things that were done to us, projected onto us, etc... .at the hands of our personality disordered parent and their enabler. I feel for you. That shaking kind of anger would scare me when it happened... .it got so bad.

I've wondered why when they realize that they have had "difficult" childhoods and are able to use it as an excuse... .why they haven't at some point taken it a step further and gotten some help. Yes, the work is hard but the rewards and healing that could take place if they took the initiative and asked us how they could make things better and also got help for themselves would be so worth it. Mine wouldn't even admit they did anything wrong... .just in a mocking voice would say "oh I guess we were just terrible parents then"... .poor them. Their pd makes it much easier to blame their parents than realize as adults that they are actually responsible for their own behavior.

Co-dependence is a completely different animal... .one most of us are left to deal with after growing up in families that have that level of dysfunction. And you are right it is an insane way to live.

One thing that really helped me with that anger was hard physical exercise... .and my heavy bag. That was a life saver for me I think. It gave me an out for that anger that was healthy... .and I journaled like a fool too... .

I just starting to realize how screwed up my parents are- my mother is so mean to my step father! I keep doing things to try and help her and make her happy- but she never will be. I agree- they need therapy! They'll say they don't have the money- there is always an excuse- but there's always money for alcohol! So maddening!

It's just someone else's toxic waste, and I want it out of my life.

Herodias.  Its a humbling day when this stuff starts coming out. Hang in there.  Have you looked into the shame that you likely carry as a result of your parents dysfunction?

I hear you. 

I'm there too. It's an awful feeling knowing your parent(s) are so messed up that their own children get hurt by them. I feel like my BPDmom doesn't even care about me or my sister.

It’s entirely understandable that this realisation would produce body shaking anger. It did with me. But is this anger part of the grieving process ? Grieving the parent(s) we should have had ? If so, is it not part of the cure, so long as we don't get stuck there ?

www.psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

Thanks Happy Chappy,

I've experienced the isolation and denial, bargaining and depression on this one.

I'm having anger and acceptance together. I generally dont express anger so strangely I'm enjoying the expression of it. It is my rebellion at having my boundaries violated by my parents as a  child to satisfy their projection, low self esteem and shame.

I'm sitting with that child and I am crying with him, which he never did,  but we are also angry

I am relieved to read  that anger is a normal emotion after realizing what a BPD parent did.

I can get so angry at my uBPD mum and my enabling father. Since some time I am feeling quite ok with it, but there have been  times that I was so damn angry !

Not a parent w/BPD but a sib.  After therapy, (7 years... .ugh) the scales were finally ripped from my eyes and my heart.  Before understanding what I was seeing, I laughed off the snarks, vicious attacks, despicable, disgusting behaviors as "funny, weird, etc.", anything but the truth.  I can't do that any more.  My anger is always on a slow boil with her.   I'd like to get rid of it completely but I think it's actually serving as a protection or early warning system.