BPDFamily.com

So I'm on my journey of detaching and I've been focusing on myself. But a random question crossed my mind. My exBPDgf devalued and discarded me and went right to my replacement. Within three weeks she had changed her Facebook profile pic to the two of them and his to her kissing him. I am not friends with either one and she had pics of her and I with her kids that the public could see. Some of them are now gone but there are some still there of all of us together.

So that made me wonder, has anyone else encountered this? And why?

Again, I am focusing on myself and I am no longer looking at either one of their social media accounts but the question still lingers... .It just seems strange... .

I don't think it's a BPD issue. I still have some pics of my ex up and pics of us together up.

Sweet Tooth... .I understand your point fully. In the past she had removed all pics of her ex's including her soon to be ex husband. I saw that she removed some of mine but kept others up. She now acts like I don't exist so it just made me wonder

Mine acts like I don't exist, too. She completely disappeared. I joined MeetUp the other day and joined some groups my friend is in. She is involved in them and immediately blocked me. Why? I have no clue. I didn't do anything to warrant that, just as I'm sure you didn't do anything to cut you off either. You said there are kids involved in the pictures? Maybe that's why. Maybe she still wants the pictures of the kids. Maybe she's not fully detached (and never will be). I'm really just speculating here. It's hard to figure out what's going on in the head of a healthy individual. It's almost impossible to understand the disordered mind.

I have never removed pictures on Facebook. I feel like those pictures were a part of my journey and I am not willing to erase my steps. My ex deleted all my pics immediately. So who knows what his thinking is. To each his or her own.

It could very well be just me but I found it odd. She removed some but not all. She has erased every other aspet of me. I simply am gone and she moved on.

Your ex knows you have dirt on her.  You could easily expose her for what she is.  That may be why she's blocking you.

Mine took awhile and told me he wanted to remember me and that was the only place he had pictures. I sent him some. I thought maybe his gf told him to do it but she has pictures of her ex. Mine took all of mine off- maybe because I told him to but he still had pictures of our home and how proud of it he was.

Mine took a pic of me at 15 when we were out with a group of friends . I had no idea she even had it after 28 years.

I've thought of that, actually. The last time I communicated with her I told her that I was willing to tolerate her emotional instability. That was after she she told me not to contact her again. I figured the gloves were off at that point. I'm curious if I will ever be split white... .

You expressed to her that you would remain faithful to her despite her disorder.  She took that as an insult and attack.  By now, you should be fully aware that trying to reason with a pwBPD is a futile and extremely frustrating endeavor.  We, as nons, reach out with love and acceptance and we are met with hostility and bullying.  These sweet, beautiful creatures that we became so enamored with are wolves in sheep's clothing. They will rip us apart if we give them the chance.  So don't.

It was after she already told me not to contact her again and blew me off for my birthday when we were supposed to go away with some friends of mine. She didn't even wish me a happy birthday. I was rather upset.

If she views my tolerance and compassion as an attack, that's her problem. If she wants to be a baby about it and pretend like I don't exist, that's also her problem. I did nothing but care about her.

I'm really curious, though, if she'll eventually flip the switch. I am not sure how I'd react. I know it's toxic, but I'm weak.

What about giving yourself some time to heal?  You're weak right now because you're wounded.  So am I, actually.  But I'm trying to use logic here as opposed to emotions.  And logic tells me that if I re-engage my BPDwife, I'll be ripping off the freshly placed bandages while watching her pour gasoline on my wounds and light them on fire. 

Let those wounds heal, give yourself some time.  She's not your responsibility anymore. Take care of yourself.

I'm trying to do that.

My ex did the same thing... .as non's who did not pint them black, discard them, and otherwise consider them evil, it is understandable why we keep their photos around or anything that is a reminder of our relationship with them. I think the question is: why would someone who abruptly discards a relationship, painting the person black, disseminate highly caustic and hurtful distortions about them block them, and various other disparagements keep photos of them on their social media?

A non would have warm reflections upon the relationship and it would seem natural to retain photos on social media for example. Meanwhile, it would seem that a pwBPD would waste no time at all to destroy any and all things (including photos) that are associated with the relationship that they they terminated. If their actions fit their vitriol, nothing would remain. Yet many of them don't delete photos... .don't return personal property and so on.  Mine kept many items... .I had to sue her to have my engagement ring returned and even then, she paid for it rather than return it (I know her well enough).

I think that part of it is associated with the fact that they are not able to detach fully and these things are token reminders of the relationship that will always value and miss (maybe object permanence has something to do with it as well).

Indeed, in many cases people from this forum report that their ex partners used to keep mementos to rememeber their past partners; for instance, mine used to keep wine bottles drank together, shirts, books, etc. She also knew precisely to whom each memento should be associated with.

I think we all keep mementos from past relationships... .sufferers just bring this thing to a new level, since they're incapable of processing the aftermaths of failed relationships. Plus, it is well known that BPDs have issues with object permanence, so mementos may relieve this issue.

Mine didn't delete any pics either. She believes those are good memories and should be preserved. She deleted all of mine though, because I freaked out at her and "said the most hurtful things". But she kept her ex's pics that cheated on her... apparently that's worse than cheating... whatever. Don't care.

Before I deleted my social media accounts, I saw that my ex was declaring me a "toxic" person, when she was really the one that was toxic. That was enough for me. I deleted Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, Imgur and even my Spotify account. No she has no idea what is going on in my life and I have no idea what is going on in her's. I'd much prefer to keep it this way. It just feels healthier, when dealing with a pwBPD.

She can keep up as many pics as she likes, let them be a reminder of the ONE good dude that came into her life, that she had to treat crap, because she doesn't know how to treat people close to her right.

Hey, at least your ex had pics of you. I don't think that mine ever had a single one.

I do know that mutual friends have pics of her and I together and have tagged both of us in them, but I have no idea if she's hidden them from public view. I blocked her long before we ever split and I've never unblocked her. It would be so painful for me to see what she's doing now that I don't dare look.

I think they keep pictures and mementos for a variety of reasons, but mostly to draw attention. Social media is used to keep the attachment alive. Every time you visit their page, and fall upon, a picture, a quote, or a post that is related to us, well it makes us think of them. In fact in my case it turns to rumination of her, and keeps me from focusing on me.

Her apartment was  sort of a museum of what I know realise to be past relationships. She kept pictures including one of her first BF kissing her, she also had greeting cards, and post cards from vacations past. In display where it couldn't be missed was a small table against the wall, where she kept bracelets, and other pieces of jewellery, obvious gifts from past lovers. Thankfully I never contributed to that table.

i was going to post the same question - as my Ex  BPD gf, still has loads of photos of us together, ( i do too, but, thats because wiping them is wiping the memories, good or bad ) and none, of her past relationship, even tho they had a child together.

Do others think it could be a tool that they would use, to make us try and think, that they still have unfinished business with us, in the future?

Also, if i were to wipe all my social media photos of us together... .what do you think would be the response

from my ex?... .would she be angry?, laughing?... .happy they are no longer there?... .i mean, not just one of her masks responding, but the person inside!

i do not have any idea what means something, to her or what means nothing to her anymore... .thats the saddest thing i cant get to grips with!

Great responses! I'm still not sure why and I never will. Why delete everything about someone and keep a few pics on the public setting.  Just more bizzare behavior that I'll never understand. As of Saturday I finally got myself to the point I'm not checking their profiles anymore. It was killing me...

You ever think maybe it's being done just to torture you? Maybe she WANTS you to wonder why it's being done? Maybe she ENJOYS having this power over you? Not checking is an excellent idea. I'm assuming you don't want her back. What difference does it make if the pictures are still up or not? Don't let her have the power to f*** with your head. I know, much easier said than done, but it's a good goal to reach for.

Sweet Tooth. That actually crossed my mind. Over the years she has posted very few pics of us, her and her ex husband, and so on. Then within a very short window of discarding their pic appeared as her profile pic (Never happened with her and I) Now since this guys is a local celebrity shes riding the high (A phrase my T used). Then within two short weeks his appeared with her kissing him. She knows me well enough to know that I'm hurt by everything, and for the first time, I'm leaning towards the fact she enjoys it. The last time I looked was Saturday and it sent me on a spiral... .so I decided then, no more. What was I trying to accomplish? No, I do not want her back though that isn't an option. But since Saturday it just made me think, why did she leave them up? Thus the reason for my post.

Not looking is a good first step. Don't be shocked if she tries to re-engage somewhere down the line.

Mine is in DBT and claimed her therapist couldn't condone our relationship (Her T must be good with my replacement?) Also, when I found out she ran to the replacement and was broadcasting all over, I lost it. I spent two days send some very hateful and mean messaged to both her and the new guy. It's not something I'm proud of, I simply lost it. 4 weeks ago were talking marriage and then this? I saw red. Yes its been discussed in therapy. No, because of the hateful things I said, I do not think she will be back. And yes it hurts but I cant go back.

I didn't say anything about you going back. I said don't be surprised if she tries to re-engage. These people are emotionally unstable. If her replacement doesn't work out, she might come back.

Point taken...

And I understand perfectly about being heart broken. I didn't have the nerve to send angry stuff, but I thought about it. Mine told me TWO DAYS before our blowup that we had to go to the beach soon, how I'm awesome, and we had so many good times together. It was one of the best days of my life. Two days later she wasn't romantically attracted to me. Trust me, I get it, man.

I appreciate it, I really do. I had brought it up in therapy again today. It felt good to finally stand up for myself and let it all out. On the other hand I told my T, I went off on a mentally ill person, I'm not proud of that. Because of this I am continuing to look deeper to figure out all the why's and how's.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Your anger is justifiable and it's easy to overlook their mental illness because it's not on the service. Their illness is much more subtle than something like schizophrenia, pika, etc.

Thank you, I'm working on that. For me it's easier said then done... .something my T is trying to work on

It's much easier said than done. I have to work on it, too. I keep replaying what happened during our blowup and wondering if I had something differently if I wouldn't have been discarded. I understand what you're going through.