BPDFamily.com

So, we were looking through some books and mementos and found a high school memory book.  Lots of good things in here.

When we go to a page about the future, it was all pretty standard stuff.  Then there was a question about marriage.

As a high schooler, I think it was junior year, she wrote "I hope I have a husband that doesn't cheat, "

To my knowledge there was not any problem with them with her parents, so I'm having a hard time figuring out how this would have ever gotten on her mind in high school.  In other words, it was on her mind long before she met me.

Anyone think that is an odd thing for a high school girl to write about marriage? 

Thoughts?

FF

Only this, and only because of my own familiarity with a person who has similar persistent concerns about family members:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoid_personality_disorder

It's possible that your wife really can't overcome all her doubts regarding your fidelity. Or that her doubts come, and her doubts go. And maybe that's OK, as long as your children are comfortable in their knowledge that you are exactly who you say you are. And that they are exactly who they think they are. That might be the real brass ring for you to reach for. And it sounds as though you are doing just that.

Perhaps a strength that your wife has is that she knows just who she is. And a disability she has is that she is not quite sure of what other people are. Even--and maybe especially--those closest to her.

I harken back, again, to Skip's post to you from yesterday. There's much you can do, still.

I'm also going to speak for Skips post and for looking at that information further. I think the information in that post is more helpfu than exploring the ideas your wife as a teen. Yes our pasts are part of who we are but in terms of your marriage today - a statement in a yearbook is probably less informative than Skips advice.

I had ideas about marriage as a teen, but like most teens didn't have the maturity to really understand it. I saw ideas in people, movies, rock songs, books. I didn't fully understand "cheating" but was exposed to plenty of ideas about that. Scarlet Letter was on the class book list. "Run for your life" ( Beatles ) had plenty of red flags. Movies? Surely. My teenage friends and I were clueless- even though we thought we knew it all then. Now we are adults- and have ideas based on experience and mature thinking.

IMHO-Don't make more of a teens ideas than what they are at the time.

KateCat and Notwendy--is this the thread?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294349.msg12768550#msg12768550

I wanted to follow your thoughts. Thanks:)

Yes, for me that's the thread. Skip's post of June 3 at, I think, 1:58 p.m. is one that I hope always to remember. Just for me.

Thank you KateCat  :)

As far as the entry in the yearbook, the plan is to take note and leave it alone.

Two options

1.  It is writing of a teenager that means nothing.  Me trying to make something out of nothing would likely be painful.

2.  It is tied to something.  That would be a big deal and I likely don't have the skills to draw that out.  Very different than if she wants to bring it out or talk about it.

FF

That is the thread for me too.

One of the main messages I got from working on co-dependency was about the tendency to focus on others rather than on myself. For me, Skip's passage was about self reflection. While a passage in a yearbook is interesting, I didn't think trying to understand it would be as beneficial as Skip's post.

FF, I agree that the passage could be something or a teen age idea, and that trying to figure that out would likely take some time and thought.

 

Another way I think of this idea is "when is it about you?" and "when is it about them or someone else".

Many times we "take things personally" that were not intended for us.

I've been trying to be less reactive and more thoughtful about where to put my effort and where to let her sort herself out.

FF