BPDFamily.com

A year ago my son (who's now 5) and I were living with my mom.  I was grateful for the help, but had to quit working weekends, couldn't pursue a month of training elsewhere and had to turn down job offers due to her being unwilling to help.  (For years I have been struggling to get on my feet, Mom threw me to the system at 18 because of my issues and to this day still plays the "mentally ill" card on me).  Babysitting resulted in random cancellation.  I can't say anything.  My younger sister is the favorite one.  Has one child, never has to worry about her work hours, daycare, schooling and so on, my Mom helps with anything and everything.  She walks all over our mom, and Mom says nothing.  I was selective about when and what I asked help for, but always received a no.  My sister works full time, but gets section 8 (I was actually shocked at the income levels!) and brags about lying to get extra help.  (Our Dad raised us and is a good man, but my mom was a bigger influence.)

A year ago I finally cut ties completely with the family, and my son just spent the weekend with Grandma (I took him to see her once, and it's easier to send him to her).  When I picked him up my mom said my sister is going to a new school and her daughter would be there for 4-5 days numerous times over the summer, and my son could join.  I just stood there, blinking.  On one hand, I'm mad that they'll never be the family I need.  My mom has never been, and will never be, my best friend.  I will always be slighted and on my own.  Any jobs or schooling comes with tons of juggling, and at times turning down opportunities due to finances or hours.  At the same time I've discovered just how strong I am.  I've stood alone in some tough times, and made it.  My younger sister has been molded by my mom, and may never be fully independent, or her true self.  She has no say, and she and her daughter are fully immersed in the toxicity, my son and I are free from it.  

It's going to be a difficult road allowing the door to be open for my son, but for him I have to do it, until he can decide.  He had fun, he's happy, and that has to be my focus.  I avoid my younger sister and have told her she just gets caught up in the middle.  She pushes for me to visit and us to hang out, but I stay away.  (Also don't agree with her parenting skills.  No rules, no morals, many battles over car seat safety and safety in general.  We're complete opposites).  It's hard seeing and hearing everything, to be around the family I would rather forget, but I keep reminding myself that I'm not apart of it anymore.  Before things were off and on, and the good times aren't worth the falls that are inevitable.  Other places I'd come across as whiny and ungrateful, but figure others here would understand. :D

Hi Rose411! I see that you are a fairly new member, so let me welcome you! 

It sounds like you've had to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, on your own in so many ways.


Good for you!  |iiii So many of us here know exactly what you are talking about as we've had to do the same thing. The children of pwBPD tend to be so very resilient and strong through it all, in spite of the struggles we face. I had an uBPDm, and I too learned how to take care of myself. There are times though, when I do need help, and learning to recognize them can be difficult for me. Through the T that I am in, I'm learning to reach out to 'safe' people to have those needs met. Do you have someone in your life that supports and helps you? I would be interested to hear about that.  :)


I think it is great that you are willing to let your son have some time with Grandma and with his cousin, but certainly what a surprise to you!   I would urge you to walk cautiously though, being aware of how your son responds each time he is allowed to play there. He is your utmost treasure of course, so just as you have done in your own life, be aware and ready to set up boundaries if and when they are needed. I also allowed our children to spend time with their Grandma on a limited basis, and let them make up their own mind about who she was as they got older.

Do you feel that your mom or sister have BPD? And if so, what types of things do you notice?


This is a wonderful family of people like you who find support, wisdom, and care to help us through the hurdles of life with a BPD. So glad you have joined us!  |iiii Please tell us more of your story!

Wools

Good for you!  |iiii So many of us here know exactly what you are talking about as we've had to do the same thing. The children of pwBPD tend to be so very resilient and strong through it all, in spite of the struggles we face. I had an uBPDm, and I too learned how to take care of myself. There are times though, when I do need help, and learning to recognize them can be difficult for me. Through the T that I am in, I'm learning to reach out to 'safe' people to have those needs met. Do you have someone in your life that supports and helps you? I would be interested to hear about that.  :)

--Thank you!  I have my boyfriend, very similar family backgrounds, both the black sheep.  He's very loving, kind and understanding.


I think it is great that you are willing to let your son have some time with Grandma and with his cousin, but certainly what a surprise to you!   I would urge you to walk cautiously though, being aware of how your son responds each time he is allowed to play there. He is your utmost treasure of course, so just as you have done in your own life, be aware and ready to set up boundaries if and when they are needed. I also allowed our children to spend time with their Grandma on a limited basis, and let them make up their own mind about who she was as they got older.

--I waited until I felt comfortable my son could verbalize his feelings to them, if needed. And to inform me of any problems.  I was upset that he stayed up late and Grandma skipped his showers (my mom told me about those), so I was very firm with her that i don't want to be put in a position where he can't visit if he's not cared for.  My son and I talked today about their rules (none) and ours, and he said, "But rules are good." :)

Do you feel that your mom or sister have BPD? And if so, what types of things do you notice?

--My mom has always used my diagnose against me.  Even when it changed, she pulled up the old one.  She's out of work on disability, claims to not even be able to work pt, but functions as full time caregiver to my other niece, who is disabled.  My niece's family is fully capable of caring for her, but my mom and brother have teamed up against them.  It's really sad.  My Mom is constantly playing the poor me card, brags about how she raised 5 kids, but she left my Dad, and he raised us.  I was once told I had BPD traits (which have subsided) and reading about it it fits my family.  The scapegoat, favorites who are the most like mom and most dysfunctional, dysfunction among all the siblings (I'm not close with anyone).  Mom pitted my one sis against me who lives across the country. Not sure about the siblings, but Mom seems to be between Waif and Queen.

Thanks for the feedback!