BPDFamily.com

Hello, everyone.


     I'm reaching out for ideas about an unusual situation that occurred over the weekend.

     I officially broke away from my BPD partner over one month ago and have gone completely "no-contact" ever since. I consulted help from a professional therapist to cope, took up new activities, made some lifestyle changes and generally started to feel very good again within a surprisingly short time frame. In essence, I got "through the tunnel." Friends and family even said that they noticed a positive physical difference in my face.

     Last week I reached a point at which I decided to start dating again... .not jumping directly into another committed relationship, but spending quality time with someone kind, pleasant and interesting. I was very reluctant to try online dating, but ended up communicating back and forth with a local lady for several days before meeting up in person.

     We had a wonderful date yesterday evening. We share the same types of morals/ values, spiritual worldviews, lifestyles, interests etc., but are both very busy with our respective careers at the moment. Nonetheless, we had a rather intriguing discussion about the basic "human needs" of belonging, intimacy, companionship, physical touch etc.

     I felt very comfortable with this new friend, so when she invited me to come spend the night with her (on the first date!) I actually accepted. I'm not generally one to "sleep around", but I felt that this would be a fun and pleasant experience for both of us. I didn't want to overthink things.

     Her house was nothing like my BPD ex's (this one was immaculate and very organized), she described her past as generally happy and rewarding, is close with her family, and everything about her behavior was quite different. I felt pretty positive about the whole thing.

     We ended up sleeping together (and doing more) which felt wonderful and relieved a lot of tension.

     The problem is that all day long, I've felt physically ill. My entire body aches, I'm shivering, there are strange pains and feelings of nausea that I haven't had before. There is also a feeling of existential dread, panic and shame. It feels like I'm breaking up all over again.

     I don't understand. Many people would be delighted in this situation. I made friends with a very physically attractive and highly compatible lady, and am sharing physical intimacy with her. I perform well and have a great time while it happens, but afterward I feel like a mental and physical train wreck the entire next day.

     Could it be that these feelings are "ghosts" of my long-term BPD relationship, clouding my thoughts and confusing me, preventing me from enjoying physical intimacy? Have I become suspicious and petrified at the thought of abandonment? I'd be curious to see if anyone else has been through something similar. If so, how did you overcome it?

     Thank you as always for your support!

Everyone's different, but for me a month would be a very very short time to process a breakup from a complicated relationship (or any serious relationship). Is it possible that you simply are not ready for intimacy with someone else? It's great that you're feeling good, but lots of people will tell you that healing is not a linear process. I'd expect some ups and downs.

Hello,

I'm going to speculate that your body is physically responding to deep-seated feelings of guilt and shame for "moving on".  Subconsciously you feel like you are betraying your ex by sleeping with another woman and your body is physically manifesting the emotions that have been festering just out of sight of your conscious mind.  Does that seem possible to you?

Hello,

     Thank you for the replies. I think there is a lot of truth in them.

     Oddly, I did feel like I was "cheating" when this encounter took place, despite the fact that my previous relationship had officially ended over a month ago. I've never cheated on anyone, and the thought of an affair makes me devastated.

     I no longer feel emotionally attached to my ex. My weekend episode was more of a tense and paranoid "walking on eggshells" feeling. I almost felt like my ex had some kind of psychic attachment and knew what was happening. I could sense her anger and feelings of betrayal, even though she wasn't even there and hopefully will never know.

     Some of these people make us feel that we will always belong to them, no matter what. We wait reluctantly for them to suddenly appear again. That is a frightening thing.

It will pass.  I've also experienced a physical response for the same reasons.  While your conscious mind might have detached, your subconscious mind hasn't.

I hope if/when I do "move on" I am completely over my ex because at this point I still consciously feel attached to her, although it has lessened over time.

If you're having such strong feelings about intimacy with another person, I would say you are pushing yourself too fast. I repeat: a month is very little time.

I too have a BPD ex. I think one of the main reasons why we hang  in too long in a relationship that is clearly not good for us, is fear of abandonment (along with low self esteem of course).

For me, abandonment fear certainly was involved. It is something  I will have to  bear in mind if I  ever would start a new  relationship. I had a BPD mum and never having had a good bond in my FOO, I probably will have attachment issues for the rest of my life.

Do you think this can be the case for  you ? And that this is (part of) the reason why you felt as you say 'petrified at the thought of abandonment' ? Or did you not really feel like that, and was it just you wondering what happened to you ?

In any case, I am happy for you that you are picking up your life !  

I have some pretty serious abandonment fears from my previous relationships.  I am not sure if it is an innate tendency of mine or something that is a result of more recent trauma.

When a guy I had been seeing casually said he wanted a break, my abandonment fears went through the roof, even though I wasn't that close to him or attached to him.  I felt physically ill.

I am scared to believe that anything will last or work out.  I am constantly vigilant for signs that a relationship will fail.

I wonder if your physical reaction was a reaction to the feeling that this other person now has something you want, and you can't control whether or not you get it.  In other words, you now have abandonment trauma from your exBPD.  Once you experience someone in your life who is able to withhold what you need arbitrarily, it is hard to trust people the same way again.  It's hard to feel excited about things the way you used to, and getting your hopes up often results in a crash when you have anxiety about things ending.

     These are some really fascinating replies. I'm appreciating the input and getting a lot out of this discussion!

     I do think I'm still confused about why my body responded this way. I'm feeling much better today physically (and plan to meet up with my new friend next weekend), so generally things seem OK.

     There seems to be an age-old debate about the connections between physical and emotional intimacy. Some say that both must occur together to be "genuine", some only want the emotional attachment and loathe the idea of sex, while others seem perfectly happy having regular sexual encounters with strangers and never seeing them again. I don't think it's my job to tell others what the "right" decision is, and I'd never condemn anyone for their lifestyle, so long as it wasn't self-destructive or harmful to others.

     I've thought more about this today and I think I'm one of those people who has a hard time enjoying physical intimacy without some sort of emotional connection. Cheesy as it sounds, I've come to realize that I almost view sex as a "spiritual" activity. Growing up, I heard many men talking about the joys of "scoring" and "conquests." I was conditioned to think that as long as touching is involved, the "mission" is accomplished.

     I did sense an immediate psychological attachment with this new friend... .not an unhealthy and immediate infatuation, but a good sense of being comfortable. However, she is a psychologist in training who works very long hours and has quite a busy schedule... .so we agreed before meeting that a committed long-term relationship between us (at least for now) does not seem realistic.

     That felt fine going in, but after our sexual encounter I found myself overwhelmed with emotion. We cuddled and slept until sunrise. She left a cold pitcher of water on the bedside, opened the window and turned out the lights. I had just met her earlier that day, and felt like I wanted to lay next to her forever. There were tears slowly streaming down my face.

     I'm worried. My BPD ex was way too infatuated within an exceptionally short span of time. I think she could sense how lonely and vulnerable I was. After I lost my virginity to her, she basically "claimed" me for life. She "clung" to me and didn't understand the importance of healthy boundaries. After the intense and magical "honeymoon phase" had ended, I was painted black. The relationship became more and more suffocating until I fled from the abuse. I really, really don't want to take on that characteristic myself.

     At least this new individual seems very open, healthy and understanding, so it's good that I can discuss these feelings openly without judgement. All in all, I think we will have a fun summer together.

     There is no beginning and no end. Everything is part of a continuous journey, I suppose.