BPDFamily.com

Hey guys, I haven't posted in a while but reading a recent post it got me thinking about something.

We all know BPD's can't regulate their emotions, they are impulsive, and fly by the seat of their pants. Basically they are the least likely to have anything stable or any type of pattern in their life. However thinking back to my relationship and the recycles, or make ups and break ups and the small amount of info I have on her and her past exes I do seem to see a pattern with her. Like an amount of time a relationship can be good, bad, break up, and even recycle.

First I'll discuss her ex pattern, because I only have limited information about these. Her college boyfriend was a friend first, the info I got on him was he was a drug addict and dealer and emotionally unstable, she told me he cried and had night terrors etc. The overall thing I know about their relationship was they dated for 8 months, broke up for 5 months, and dated another 8 where, she was pregnant for part of that time with their child. I know when she gave birth she said he came there high and accusing her of having recordings of cheating or something. She made it seem like he was crazy and high, but he probably really did have info on her cheating and that's how he was coping. That's all I know about that one.

The next is the ex husband who she was married to for 5 years after dating a only 6 months. I know there were two separations before the divorce they had, as for time length I think the separations were 2-3 months not sure. I saw a text he sent her saying he was divorcing her because he was tired of the fights, the one up games, and the cheating. That probably sounds familiar to many of you. I was told the catalyst for the divorce was because she cheated on him in revenge for him being a cheater. Now I think it was probably just her cheating, causing drama, etc. she had told him she didn't want a divorce so why she thought cheating on him would work I have no idea. Anyways 5 year marriage, 3 separations that I know of, probably more.

Now my relationship cycle. We met in September 2014, it was a crazy intense thing, by late October she wanted to be exclusive, then by January she was pulling back and she cheated on me, we took a weeks break but stayed together. February and March went by and then at the beginning of April she broke up with me over the phone. Saying I was the right person wrong time. We were broken up through April and most of May until 7 weeks after dumping me she texted me missing me and we got back together. It was all roses for June, July, August, then sometime in September she started slipping away again, we made it through October and November but at the beginning of December it got bad and I said we should break up, through December and January we were broken up/not talking/but talking sometimes/and seeing each other sometimes weird mess. We finally resolved things a little and February and March were pretty good. Then she started pulling away again in April we made it halfway through until she did some cruel things to me on my bday, the 17th, she left, never heard from her after that, except when she declined to return my things I left at her house. We are at 7 weeks NC.

So basically it went a few months of amazing, a few months of not great/drama filled then a break up for a couple months. Then a few months of amazing, a few months of bad and drama, a break up/break for a couple months. Then this last time it was 2 months of good about a month of bad and this break up which is at 7 weeks. So I'm asking all members here because this could be helpful, have you noticed any relationship patterns with your exBPD?

Well with my ex she starts to screw up when she gets comfortable. And that's pretty much the same time the honeymoon phase ends. After that she becomes uncompromising and unable to reason with. Arguments become circular and everything goes down hill from there. Every guy had jealously / trust issues while dating her, including me and I'm not the jealous type.

Mine spent about 2-3 months in the honeymoon phase before splitting me black/developing the expectation I won't leave her if she crosses a line in the sand, devaluing me each time, leading her to break boundaries/expectations, leading to a break up, which then leads again to idealization and desperately wanting me back.

If it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck... .

I too experienced stories from my BPD ex of crazy exes, one being her husband who selfishly (in her words) tried to off himself. After the ordeal I went through I can sympathize with him. I believe he too was a lost soul who hooked up with an emotionally draining succubus.

At the beginning they (the BPD) want that Knight in Shining Armor (YOU) so all the stories about exes are formulated to make you feel compassion for them... .they are the victim, they need saving.

When in actuality the person you should be saving is yourself.

I did not date much. I am a 40yo woman and I've probably dated three people seriously in my life. I am probably a bit immature in this area because of not having dated. Anyone with a clear sense of self and confidence would not stay with someone who gave them a "horror list" of exes and crazy stories you would commonly see on a soap opera.

Mine did. I stayed.

A year ago May my ex left me and never spoke to me again. I was replaced before the break. She did try to triangulate me but I thwarted that. After three years of over 13 breakups, triangulating me with her "abusive" exes and cheating on me over four times (that I know) I was done.

The residual sucks and I still think about her every day. I do believe their patterns repeat. I was able to meet some of her exes (hence why I think I am painted black permanently... .which I am fine with). She tends to go back to old exes and rotate them. Apparently they don't learn, even many years later. Earlier in our relationship she left me for her "best friend" "the one that got away". I found out later she was still in a relationship with the ex before me... .strung her along until she knew I would date her and then started talking to "the one that got away"... .

She ended up leaving me, threatening a RO on me and went to Minnesota for three weeks to be with this person... .actually broke up this woman's marriage.

On the way back three weeks later she called me 100 times. This woman THOUGHT they were back together. She left her partner for our ex and got screwed.

If they show patterns likely these are ongoing.

I have tears in my eyes right now as I'm the female and my ex ran this same cycle if not worst!  WOW... .

This pattern you all describe rings so true for my ex as well.  Here is a journal entry I wrote one day trying to help myself see things way more clearly: 

When someone tells you about all of their abusive and violent past relationships, you come to the conclusion that they are addicted to chaotic and abusive relationships! When someone relates their history of victimhood, you realize being a victim is their comfort zone and identity. When someone then proceeds to demonstrate the pattern of attracting violence to themselves over and over again, you walk away instead of believing you can protect or save them! And after spending nearly three years in an unhealthy codependent relationship with a damaged woman with borderline personality, you finally walk away to save yourself and you don't for one minute buy into the guilt and blame they attempt to put on you! When you are laid open and the pain of your own childhood abuse and abandonment comes roaring up, you give yourself the love and compassion you deserve. You forgive yourself for getting seduced, you work hard every day to heal, you learn the lessons, and one day you will feel happy to be alive again.

This really touched me, thanks for sharing.

Hey Kayslym,

We're here for everyone, that means you as well. Can I encourage you to start a thread of your own and tell us how we can help you? This stuff is rotten to the core. A little bit of you dies with each recycle, arm yourself with the power of knowledge and understanding.

Enabler

Thank you for saying that... .I just wish I could have seen it all way sooner and avoided the nightmare!

My ex spoke about her exes almost every day  red-flag

Her first relationship was with a girl, a very abusive girl (this is confirmed because my mother was her teacher and told me that she actually was diagnosed but didn't remember for what). She told me quite a few horror stories from that one year relationship that included cutting, involving her whole family (her father was so ashamed once that he took the whole family and went out of the city and cut all contact with everyone because of some catastrophic event in their relationship), suicide threats, her friends abandoning her, and full on drama (yes, this was her very first relationship in high school)

The one before me was abusive, cheated on her, broke up because she was too much depressive, and the story included the famous "he wanted to rape me". She hated him until she started to tell me how she loved him.

She even had drama stories about her one night stands where everyone wanted to rape her and so on, and always told me that they all choosed her, I was the first one that she had choosed, yeah right. In the end she even told me that I initiated the relationship, so yeah, she probably told my replacement the same story about me and how I was abusive and so on... .in the end she did started to compare me with her first abusive girlfriend and told me that I was a lunatic.

So, yeah, like others said, I was also painted black over night and went trough all the drama and cutting, hitting herself, irrational jelaousy and all that her relationship pattern included. Now, the torch is passed onto the new victim, poor guy.

I must mention that she was very attracted to some problematic people (both women and men). She always idealized people who had that drama look and were known for their problematic behaviour. She is attracted to girls that look like heroin addicts (some kind of a trendy image on social media as it seems).

Long-term marriage here. Mostly good for many years, and then the threats of divorce started because I wasn't "meeting his needs." And the rest. Constant criticism, and I observed self-harming behavior. The abandonment issues became so bad that he sometimes had trouble if I went to the store alone. He had no friends and expectations that I could never fulfill. The threats of divorce popped up every few days. He left and tried to commit suicide. He survived, and we effectively had a second honeymoon period. He quit counselling, and it all started coming back even worse. Daily threats of divorce and over-the-top verbal cruelty, and then he left.

Same since. He wants to work things out one-on-one with no counselling and accountability (a hallmark of an abusive relationship BTW) and can be constructive and kind for a little while, and then it gets bad. Sometimes really bad. Recently he pitched me again via email, and I replied that I didn't want to because it has never gotten anywhere and my criteria is counselling and accountability. Some time later he emailed that I was cruel to reply that way and that he's turned his life around. I ran that by my counsellors, and they said to hold my ground. They saw some concerns in what he said that I missed. I'm so scattered from years of this that I don't trust myself on stuff like that. I also have no idea what his mental state is or what he's been doing of late.

The cycling is typical of BPD. Part of it is their self-centeredness that believes that can pull it out despite all evidence to the contrary. They believe that they can somehow erase the past and start over. Most people move on after awhile, but people with BPD can do this for years, even after divorce. And yes, every recycle takes a chunk out of you.

As a therapist who is very familiar with BPD once told me, the best predictor of the future behavior is past behavior. People don't fundamentally change their thinking in most cases, and BPD touches on a lot of areas that have to be addressed. There's a reason that people who treat BPD say that it takes a year or more if they have significant symptoms. I once read a narrative by a psychiatrist who observed that the only significant turn-around of a full-blown BPD patient he had ever seen involved a woman who had a baby and determined to deal with the problem in order to raise her child properly. It took awhile, but she did it. The only one though.

There was a definite pattern with my BPD ex.  She was only in one long term relationship before me.  It lasted 3-4 years.  She didn't ever talk bad about him really; she just said that he was immature (even though he was twice her age) and couldn't take responsibility.  She broke up with him suddenly. She told him she was a lesbian then promptly moved out of state.

Then I come along.  We are together 3 1/2 years.  She broke up with me suddenly.  She told me she was asexual, then she moved out of state.  I don't know if she's telling people that I am immature and irresponsible, but I would put down money that she is.

There seems to be a pattern and she keeps reinventing herself. Perhaps on to her next "prey".
I have not seen my ex in almost 3 months now and I won't be surprised if he's already with someone else. I suspect he is and I try to push the thought away every time. It's unhealthy for me.

My XgfwBPD was very similar to these stories. She was the victim. She was a widow, which I knew, he died of a drug OD. I am wondering now sometimes if she didn't drive him to the drugs.

She has 2 young boys. They will end up messed up to I think. The need a stable father figure, which I was going to be and was already connecting to them.

It ended as fast as it began more or less. We met for coffee after chatting on FB and texting and it took off from there. She ended it about as quickly saying with her new job and the kids she has no time for a relationship. Then a month after that blocks me on FB; found out via a friend she had a new BF. OK, that doesn't make sense at all but then on the other hand, a lot of it became clear.

Once I clued into the BPD post break up, it all made sense. She is not diagnosed but I am 95% sure. It can only make sense in a maddening way. There was the stonewalling at times. Super texting at other times. (fear of abandonment... .). Parents divorced when she was 3, her dad died at 15, etc etc etc. Really messed up.

I tried but there is no way to win at this game unless they see for themselves.

NC now, have not heard from her in almost a month. She may, or may not, contact me when her current relationship fails as it surely will.

I've thought about this with my ex as well and it is a possibility.  I'm not sure how I would feel about it.  It would be hurtful, but,on the other hand, it would be another piece of evidence confirming BPD. 

How do you feel about it when it comes up in your mind?

my ex was always "reinventing" herself, this was her main topic to talk about, how she's going trough changes, how she's reinventing herself with me, as soon as she started to say things like "I'm almost there, thanks to you" she started to devalue me and talk about some new reinvention going on haha. I'm glad that at the very end I told her how many reinventions will she go trough in the future again and again and again... .I can bet that she is "changing" again