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My T suggested that I was split black for one of two possibilities:

1. I became a trigger and remind her of some kind of trauma.

2. She sees that I'm a genuinely good and decent person, which is something she is incapable of being, and she doesn't want to be around somebody like that. He basically said I'm a mirror and she can't stand to look at the nasty part of herself.

I liked this analysis. It makes a lot of sense to me.  He also pointed out to me that statements she made about her ex-husband and child support were downright lies from a legal standpoint. I don't know anything about the legal system and I think she took advantage of that. She claimed that her ex-husband took her to court 20 times in a year period. My T stated that the timeline for that is impossible due to the time it takes to file. According to him, it might take 3-4 months between the filing and the court date, and that a more realistic number might be 4 times in 1 year. He also said it was highly unlikely that he served a 30 day prison sentence for not paying child support, something that she told me. Also according to him, in our state they typically only do that for repeat offenders and it takes years for it to accumulate to that point.  Also, they're very unlikely to throw somebody in jail because that means during that entire time they will be unable to pay child support due to the lack of work.

We also discussed the possibility that she might split me white again and attempt a recycle.  He wants me to come up with a plan on how to handle it depending on what I want to do. I'm not sure what that is yet.

I'm really happy I found my T. He is putting things in perspective for me, helping me heal, and helping me grow as a person. 

Nice post,

no. 2 is quite an eye-opener for me, I can also relate to this in a way. I wish you luck.

Thank you. I wish you luck, too.

I am so glad that you found a T that you are comfortable with and relate too. Awesome news! I'm an ex cop and have delt with Family court and their proceedings for years. It's true that is does take months to get court dates etc so your ex BPD is Lying. Also for her ex husband to be thrown into jail for 30 days bc he did not pay child support is another LIE. For an person to be thrown in jail they have to me missing months of child support and I mean a nice chunk of change. And they don't throw you in for 30 days. It's more like 6 months to 1 year imprsionment. So there is your answers to that. She is a huge liar your ex . Like they basically all are. I know mine was. Good luck !

Yes, I'm realizing now that she is a liar. She probably lied about all of the times she was victimized. Out of curiosity I tried to find her ex-husband online. I found one of his sibling's Facebook pages.  I saw a picture of the three siblings, who she basically vilified. The ex-husband just looks like a regular nerd. Looks can be deceiving, but he certainly didn't look abusive in any way. She accused a marriage counselor of doing something shady with billing and her Dad of calling her a "screw up" after she left the ex-husband. I met both of those people. They both seemed like regular people. The counselor was very professional when my ex ran into her. The Dad was nice to me. He was very take charge with the granddaughter, and my ex accused him of treating the kid like she was "his little girl." In hindsight, he probably HAS to because my ex is so emotionally unstable. I don't blame him. In fact, if he really did call her a "screw up," he has every right to because my ex is one. The ex-husband could be the nicest guy in the world for all I know and she could have put a monkey wrench into the situation.

My guess is that all of the times she was "victimized" were really misunderstandings, distortions, half-truths, and/or lies. I'm starting to see that now. She's severely mentally ill and there's nothing I can do to fix or stop it, nor is it my responsibility.

No it's not ur responsibility. And I know you love her. Like we all did or still do. The point is unless she gets help and majority of them don't believe their is anything wrong with them she won't. And she will continue in the path she is on.  My ex I tried and tried to help her. All I got was painted black and she contacted my ex wife haha. Telling her I was obsessed with her and I was trying to help her. Absolutely sounded insane! So she also feels she is normal ( yea ok)

And she will stay on the same path of self destruction she is on. I still love her but my closure is she will never change and that's not the life I want to live.

Interesting insights! I had thought of being the trigger for trauma because my ex mentioned how she didn't liked to be "yelled" at.

When she's not pointing out all my faults during the breakup, she was telling me how she still believes that I'm a genuinely good person and she was the reason why things didn't work out.

Mine completely cut and run. I'm assuming that at this point in time I'm as black as black can be. It's as if I don't exist to her.

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to be a sexual assault survivor. The look of horror on her face when we tried to get intimate together couldn't have been faked easily. I don't know if the emotional connection could have triggered something like that.

I don't know what I possibly could have done to trigger her, though, if that's not the case. All I did was treat her the way every human being deserves to be treated when somebody cares about them.

I'm having a hard time with the "whys" of it. Why lie to me? She didn't have to make up stories about her ex to me. It's not like it made me like her any more or anything. Was it revenge on him to make him look bad (to a guy who's never even met him)? Was it a manipulation of me? Both?

Sweet I think it was a way for her to lure you in. Remember some of these BPDs act as if they are a drowning victim and we are there to save them. Mine pulled in the very beginning that she was molested by her own brother and his friend as a young girl. Then she went further. One night she told me her ex boyfriend had raped her in side her apt one night. To add to the facade of these sick lies she took them off her Facebook friends list. Until she discarded me. Well long story guess who's back on her FB friends list? The molester and the rapist! All LIeS BTW!  It I feel was a way for me to feel bad for her and get suckered back into our relationship.

Yes, I do recall an instance or two when I'm about to touch her down there during lovemaking, she got super defensive and grabbed my hand, but apologized right after to allow us to continue.

That's horrible. Absolutely horrible. I can't even fathom dishonesty like that. I just wasn't raised that way.

That is very interesting. Mine literally wouldn't let me do anything beyond holding her hand and kissing her on the cheek. NOTHING. Then she told me how sex wasn't really important to her. BS. If it was that important she would have gotten more physical with me.

My exgf used sex as a form of control, always her way and any variation was strickly forbidden. She had lots of issues and used it to control me. Eventually she wouldn't do anything until we were married, we were engaged for a few months but I couldn't deal with her put downs and control, accusations and insults. Walking on eggshells is no way to live and a partner who won't budge on any choices let alone even discuss them. The lies were just out of control as well.

My ex refused to have a serious, give and take, adult conversation. In our last real communication she told me there was no spark. I brought up my concerns and she said, point blank, "It's not to be discussed. It needs to be accepted." It made me feel as if my feelings didn't matter. She would routinely redirect a serious conversation or say, "I don't know what to say." She was incapable of actually communicating like an adult about something important. It's very sad.

You can't tell that someone is abusive by the way they look in a picture.  There are many cases of people who are respected and admired in their business life.  Behind closed doors, they kick the dog and beat up the family.  You just can't tell.  An angel in public, but a monster in private.

Many BPD's or those with BPD traits save their abusive behavior for when they are with their closest family members.  They can even be active and respected in a church community, with no one knowing their dirty little secret.

Sounded like my ex's mom. Pretending to be a great Christian all those years while she physically/emotionally abused her kids. I know my ex wasn't lying about it when several siblings confirmed those events.

As for my ex, the ugly seems to be always dealt to her SO at the time.

My ex looks completely normal, but she abused me. From what I know of her I believe that she is the aggressor in her relationship with her ex-husband. I never met the guy. He could be the nicest guy in the world of a complete b******. I really don't know. All I'm saying is, he doesn't appear to be a b******.

The most patient person on earth couldn't stay rational with a person who's BPD. It takes a lot for me to get angry and when I do I express it. My exgf wouldn't allow adult conversation and the constant abuse drove me away. She wouldn't see a councelor with me, she knew she wouldn't be allowed to do the things she did and get away with it.

Her sister in law told me my exgf was just plain mean, she does exactly what she wants with no regard for others. We talked about my exgfs current relationship and sister in law said it will last only as long as my ex wanted it to. So basically shes using this guy just like me and every other guy. We are toys, pawns

It will last as long as she wants or until he can't take it anymore. Yes, we are pawns in a demented little game. Then she'll attempt to recycle you, one of her other exes, or find new supply.

I am one of the most patient people in the world. If my ex couldn't make it work with me, she probably won't be able to make it work with anybody.

I wouldn't call myself that, but that was one feature my ex and her family praised me for when we were dating. They talked about how patient I was with her, etc.

Your ex doesn't deserve you.

My T has made some good points:

I triggered her and her disorder kicked in... .

She continues to ask me why I think her relationship will be any different with my replacement... .

She believes her cycles will continue... .

My discard has less to do with me, as who I am as a person, and more to do with her disorder... .

These points have been helping me in the hard times

That is pretty much exactly what my T said to me. He said it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. There is a pattern with her ex-husband and me. We're talking it personally when it really has nothing to do with us personally.

I'm working on not taking it so personally, but how can I not... .I know it's disorder related but the pain is ridiculous because I do take it personally. The "gift" is, the pain had awaken me to realize there are some core issues that need addressed that I didn't realize were there.

Still, it's so personal... .

I am with you 100%! I was raised to be respectful honest etc.  I could not Fathom that all these sick lies came out of a woman who I meet at 12yo and I was good friends with for 2 years before we became involved! She was normal. No sickness like she has now , no lies, sweets nice compassionate !  Now that girl I loved is dead and someone else has taken over. It's sad.

My drove all her former bfs away, her ex husband and me, her emotional immaturity mixed with her self hatred that turns on those closest to her all combine in a most unpleasant person to be around. She's miserable and her fears are eating her alive, her resting pulse runs around 120 - 130. I used to try to teach her relaxation techniques that I learned from years of panic attacks. I can just concentrate on my heart rate and slow it down.

She's in constant fear and anxiety and it's killing her. She won't help herself so no one can help. I think she's breaking down agsin. I text her 3 times today to ask about my son and she never answered.

I'm sorry to hear that. Does she have the "professional victim" mentality?

I think my exBPD did the same thing. She knew I was a good person but she hated herself because she was an addict, horrible mother and ect. In return she spit me black at the 10 week pregnant make, this was after I found empty bottles hidden in her house. When I confronted her she got pissed and pulled the famous how dare you I'm pregnant. Well you're and alcoholic! She stopped loving me at that point and started putting the blame on me. Recently she's been saying I'm the toxic one and blah blah blah. 35 weeks prego and I've talked to her 5 times since dec. it's been nothing but drama.

I'm a single father and my ex loved that I was such a great dad but now I'm the most horrible person in the world! Lol I think it's hard for pwBPD to except the truth about themselves especially if they are dating a decent person. When I left her she said I failed and she needed everything I said I would do( marriage) she also said she was counting on me to get her out of her rut( rescue her) well sorry I got tired of the abuse and bs! Help yourself and don't rely on others is what I told her lol

Oh gosh she's champ of the world, she even told her new bf I raped her when she overdosed in my apartment. 2 months later we were engaged, she pushed that on me. Yes all women want to marry the man who raped them... .

I would be rapest # 9

Her husband forced her

He was abusive

Her former bfs were abusive

So many men have harmed her

Hmmm

Just sick

Always playing the victim to pull some other person  into feeling sorry for them! Smdh all lies to get the next victim!

Yo, mine said she tried to get her ex-husband to participate in family outings/holidays "for the sake of the daughter." Mind you, this was after he physically abused her so much that she ended up in the hospital. After he "kidnapped" the kid. After she realized that he's a "sociopath."

Like you said, why re-engage with an abusive person? Here's what I think really happened: She had second thoughts about leaving him because she's so damn wishy-washy. She tried to engage in a relationship recycle. He either didn't want to reconcile (because he realized what she is) or did and it went to hell.

And everywhere she went she had problems and played the victim:

-At home her dad was into "tough love."

-At work she scapegoated one co-worker and accused her of doing shady stuff.

-Her marriage therapist with the ex-husband did something shady with billing.

-The ex husband was abusive and her ex-boyfriend was bi-polar and only wanted her for sex/treated her like an object.

-Her friend was abandoning her.

-Her other friend was being insensitive to her with her behavior by withholding communication (something she frequently did with me).

There's one common denominator here: HER

I can only imagine what she's saying about me... .