BPDFamily.com

Our court order says to use Our Family Wizard for communication with uBPDbm and DH was to pay for the first year. uBPDbm doesn't want to pay for it. She says she'd rather email because it is free. Then she says DH is constantly harassing her (a felony offense).

I don't really feel like shelling out $100 a year to communicate with this distorted person, but with all the false allegations and going back on written agreements... .it's necessary.

I really don't feel like shelling out ANOTHER $100 to pay for uBPDbm's portion of it since she's obviously the one making this necessary with her false allegations and reneging on agreements. We paid for her half last year (year 2) because the L said "I could fight it, but... .just paying for her would be much cheaper". Ugh.

uBPDbm wrote DH an email demanding him to pay for her portion. Funny thing was, in her previous email that she included below it (she's pushing boundaries) she told DH to stop harassing her.

I think we'll write back, CCing the CE and the L, saying no.

Can you guys help me with wording?

I'm thinking something like:

"Please see attached the order stating I only pay for the first year. Please log in to Our Family Wizard and pay your portion as soon as possible so we do not experience a lapse in communication."

Then write something about how we acknowledge her request to use email but with her allegations of harassment we don't think it's appropriate? Like I said, I'm having trouble coming up with the wording.

"OFW is being used by the courts and families in conflict to reduce conflict in communication.

Since you seem to believe you are being harassed by email, it seems in your best interest to continue to use OFW rather than the private email you suggested. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between what you believe is harassment and what is just needed communication between parents, and I believe continuing using OFW is in everyone's best interest.  Having the courts copied on these emails should reassure you that any harassment will be seen by the court. Please pay your half as per our court agreement to prevent any lapse in communication."

If she doesn't want to pay, or says "no" I won't. Then put it back on her this way " well that is your prerogative, go ahead and get your Attorney to draft it another way and I'll look at it"

Of course she won't want to use an attorney for $100 either. We have found that putting it back in BPDms court by just saying go ahead and file with the court if you want it changed seems to shut her down.

I agree with Bravhart1. You guys are heading to court anyway once this joke of an evaluation is done. If there is a lapse in communication because she fails to pay her portion and does not bring the matter before the court to change it, then that only furthers your case that she won't do what she is supposed to do. I don't think a court would argue. A family that is already paying court costs over this matter as well as paying child support shouldn't be expected to budget in an extra $100 to pay for something that is BPDm's responsibility.

You can also force her hand by continuing to use OFW and not accepting communication outside of it (unless it's the kind of emergency you might otherwise make an exception for). This sends the clear message that if she chooses to do what she wants you will still follow the order.

Very good, we used a lot of that.  |iiii  I liked the part of "I have a hard time distinguishing between what you believe is harassment and what is communication between parents".

We sent it out and CC'd the CE and our L. (uBPDbm is pro se).

In true BPD fashion... .since we sent the message uBPDbm has sent five replies (in two hours) via email. The first three were five minutes apart, then the next two a half hour apart. Then an hour later she paid for her half of OFW. And we got like four more messages in OFW after that.  

Her emails were full of demeaning talk, name calling, threats to call the police. And she CC'd our L and the CE. lol

Did she send the demeaning, name calling and threats via OFW?

No, she "replied all" to Dh's email. So instead of her abuse being only between her and DH, it was broadcast to everyone on the distribution (our L, the CE).

Five emails in two hours. Only one of them sounded reasonable. She called him petty, childish, said he was using OFW as a crutch   , said he wasn't cooperating, and made up her own "truths" about what the court orders say (even though they were attached to DH's email). She said if he didn't respond to her immediately she would be coming tomorrow with the police to pick up SD11.

  I just about lose it everytime I see you've started a post (thinking that there might be a decision by CE).  

Sorry I didn't catch you before you sent it out, but I left my suggestions in, in case they can be used for future messages.  I'm glad she at least paid her year.

I was thinking SET and whatnot, but even if that works and she happens to agree, she could still change her mind later.  What about a way for it to be so easy for her to pay, so she forgets it's happening?  Like a setup where you always pay, but when you pay on her years, it reflects in child support.  It's still happening, but she might be less inclined to fight it/remember it once it starts happening.  I know it's kind of out on a limb, but she's arguing the necessity of a court ordered task.  She's never going to see why it's important or even care if it's important, she just doesn't want to spend $100 on something other than herself, but still wants to appear to be "worlds best mom".  Maybe something like:


Good Morning,

    (Add random sentiment here).  I understand your concerns about wasting money on something that can be unnessecary, when the money would be better spent on the kids.  This can definitely be addressed if there is ever a need to review the court order.  In the meantime, we should find a way to follow this requirement in the simplest way possible.  :)o you think (give her a choice of auto payments/adding it in child support when you pay for her/blah blah blah) would be an easier way, so you don't have to pay now?  Let me know which of these work best for you, so we can take care of what we need to on our end soonest.  Thank you.

You address her concerns, but still give her the power to choose the best way.  The only options you give her are automatic or even out of her hands (why I suggested trying to attach it to child support).  This might keep her from backing down later.  Sometimes I also add horendous spelling errors to make ex feel superior.  Other than that, hope for a miracle.  OFW might become obsolete for you (if CE is extremely in your favor).

PS.  I would like to thank my uBPDex for giving me the ability to overanalize and overreview emails in fear, which allowed me to create the email suggestion you see above  :)

Apparently uBPDbm just went in, paid, sent us a few OFW communications, then canceled her account and got her money back once she got the answer she wanted.

We ended up paying for it anyway. 

We submitted it to her for reimbursement. There are a bunch of medical expenses she still hasn't reimbursed us for either. The recovery of these isn't worth pursuing (it would cost so much more in lawyer fees), but this uncooperation will certainly be brought up in the final hearing.

The CE forwarded the emails from uBPDbm where she was threatening to call the police and said "Can you please give me your perspective on this situation?". So we wrote back a novel. Divided it into several issues.

1) Communication (we pointed out that her response was an extinction burst).

2) Summer timesharing (our temp CO is vague and we desperately need more structure, it causes fights every year).

3) Financial responsibility (we usually skirt this issue because we don't want to make it seem like we're focused on money, but we thought it'd be worth mentioning that we never receive reimbursement, pay for a majority of the expenses plus child support, and uBPDbm expects us to cover OFW too).

Thank you ambivalentmom for the reminder about SET. We really should practice that more often. I do worry that us setting and enforcing the court order can be construed as being too rigid, but unfortunately chaos results whenever there is "flexibility". Yes, I think we over-analyze our communications as well! We try to keep it BIFF.

When I lived in NYC, a city where the tenants rule the rental system and landlord-tenant courts, I learned claims of "harassment" are taken very seriously.  I recall a few tenants, acting-out ones of course, who would claim "You're harassing me!" every time something upset them.  Usually nothing became of it but they knew those hot-button phrases had power and misused them of course.

I'm figuring that in your case the professionals hear her claiming harassment so frequently that they ignore most of it.  That's not right because claiming harassment when there is none ought to be classified as harassment too.