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I have been beating myself up for 7 years actually believing for most of that time that it was my fault, for ruining the wedding, for not being intimate, for not noticing things, for doing half assed work, for not seeing things from her position, for not doing things the "right way".  I had a bit of an emotional blow out with her about how it can't all be my fault all the time and that it isn't right that she doesn't apologize or affirm me.  She hasn't spoken the words "I love you" since before our wedding night and I have been blind and in a fog for 7 years.  After my blow out I insisted on counseling, which she didn't want to attend, so I went myself.  Then after another 2 months of conflict and another emotional blow up, I insisted on counseling again, and she said she would go.  During the session she was able to speak rather logically and it made me feel silly for requesting the session, she didn't use the same language, spoke in "we" language and I almost felt like a crazy person. When we got home later I discovered that my wife was googling codependency, which she showed me on the ipad, she was attributing our difficulties to codependency.  So I too started researching Codependency.  What I discovered was a couple of books about the people that codependent people attach themselves to and from that I discovered BPD and the Caretaker role which is where I confidently place my role. Caretaker, to an emotional manipulator.

In low stress times she is less easy to set off, and nicer and in high stress times she doesn't even remember the hurtful things she says 15 minutes later.  I wish I would have discovered our situation earlier and now I have no energy left to be smart and strong during every interaction, so I think it best that I plan to move on with my life.  Anyone else in a boat like this one?

Hi 7yearsin,

*welcome*

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how emotionally exausing, frustrating and confusing all of this would be with a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) 7 years is a long history, I recall thinking that I wasn't a good enough husband and thinking that it was my fault but I stopped and reflected, it's impossible that it's my fault all of the time. Projection is a primative defense mechanism that protects a pwBPD from anxiety and stress, we all project, but a pwBPD take it to the extreme.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0)

I'm glad that you have found us. Many members here can relate with you, you'll find that you'll find right in, we can offer you guidance and support. I think that what is to your advantage is that you know what role we play in a r/s ( relationship ) with a pwBPD - emotional caretaker. It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, you will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

Do you have kids?



~Mutt

Hey 7years, Welcome!  Most Nons have codependent tendencies, in my view, because you almost have to be a care taker in order to be in a BPD r/s.  It runs with the territory!  Much of what you are describing is quite familiar, so you are not alone, believe me.  Many are in the same boat.  Do you have any particular questions for us?

LuckyJim

Thanks to both of my respondents.  I told my wife that I want out this morning.  She was pretty reserved and was certainly surprised, which was interesting.  I  began to collect my support group a few weeks ago and I told her that my story will be an open book from now on.  Her response to my declaration was that I was not able to make that big of a decision without her and that we can't be done talking about it.  She says our only problem is that we don't communicate.   I have begun using direct short answers to the point.  I have removed myself from several emotionally charged discussions.  I put my story out there to reflect and to see if my story was recognizable to other guys who are or have been in my position.  Thanks for the well wishing and I will post more questions as they arise.

Hey 7years, Get ready for some rough sledding.  Ending any marriage is tough enough, much less one to a pwBPD.  Sure, we know what you are talking about.  I have been in your shoes, believe me, as have many others on this site.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings as a way to stay centered during turbulent times ahead.  It really does get better, but first it usually gets worse.

LuckyJim