BPDFamily.com

I am reaching out to everyone here in the hopes that someone can offer insight as I realize everyone has an individual story to share.  I met my boyfriend almost 3 years ago.  He lost his mother at age 4 and went to live with a family member who was emotionally and physically abusive.  He was in his early 30s and had lived alone for several years and had few, not very serious past relationships when we met.  Things moved fast and were great, so much so that we moved in 6 months after we met.  I thought the relationship was good... .it had it's issues, but good overall.  He was shy and didn't communicate often (save writing and texts) but when he wrote it was poetic and loving.  Something shifted in the relationship about 6 months ago and he announced he was thinking of leaving.  I was shocked and wanted to try to sort it out.  He decided to stay and two weeks ago, announced again he was leaving for good.  Again, I was shocked because I didn't think things were so bad.

I think he has BPD (not confirmed).  I asked him if we could go to counseling and he refused.  He accused me of thinking he was crazy and seemed very upset.  He has been shy from the get go, not the best oral communicator and he made a lot of changes since we met - vacations, moving in, work, etc.  From all I've read about the disorder, these things must have been terrifying but he never said a word.  I can say that I went from a princess to public enemy #1.  He is being polite, cordial and thanking me for being the best gf ever now but said he was a child and I tried to make him a man but he is still a child.  He said he feels like a 16 year old trapped in a 37 year olds body.

I am wondering if others agree he may have BPD and if so, do you think I will be getting calls shortly after he leaves to try to re-kindle or that he's made a mistake?  This was so sudden and there have been so many shifts, I just don't know what the heck to make of it ... .I've never had a relationship like this and I am losing my mind.

Thanks in advance!

Hello newhere2016,

SHOCK!  Oh yes I do understand that feeling.  I remember how I felt the first time my exGF melted down and it was shocked.  The first time she discarded me I was not only shocked but dumbfounded by what had just happened.  I didn't have a clue what was going on, no rhyme or reason for it at all.

Some of the things you have described here are consistent with BPD type behavior.  If you feel comfortable can you share more with regard to the reasons why you suspect BPD?  Have you read any of the articles on the site that will help you with understanding if he suffers from the disorder?

Is it Borderline Personality Disorder? (https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder)

DSM Definition: Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder)


The one thing that jumps out at me was this.


This is a very self-aware moment of clarity on his part.  If there is any one thing about BPD that you will find most commonly occurs it is emotional immaturity.

It is hard to say what he will do at this point.  Are you still in contact with him?  I assume he have moved out of your shared place?

Thank you very much for your response.  He is still here, living in the basement and trying to avoid me in every way possible.  He will speak if spoken to but that's it for sure.  He is still being cordial but avoiding things.  I asked him how his apartment search is going last night and he said he hasn't looked yet because he is too tired from work at night.

I thought he might have it after reading the symptoms ... .he has most, but I'm not a doctor so I'm cautious to just blurt it out.  I am really convinced at this point that it is it.

I pushed him today via text messages about his behavior and he said he does not do well in relationships.  He feels best alone.  He did confess he is "running away" and that is the only way he knows how to deal with problems.  I told him you can't run from problems and he needs counseling.  He actually admitted today that he knows that but can't stomach the thought of it.  Since those texts, no speaking at all.

I have no clue what is going on here and it's making me frazzled.

That must be tough on you.  Are your interactions the same as they were before now that he has moved to the basement?



We generally do not recommend revealing BPD to your SO.  It can lead to a lot of problems and potentially have the opposite effect you are hoping for.  Personally I would try to help him make the discovery on his own, but again this is wrought with potential difficulties if he thinks it came from you.  In the end he needs to see it on his own and decide he wants to get help for his own benefit.


My ex was the same.  She knows something is wrong but I don't think she really wants to accept it.  Unfortunately I didn't realize the potential BPD connection until after our relationship ended. Up until then I had never in my life given any thought to personality disorders.


Confusion ... .not knowing which way to turn or go is common.  

Think about your relationship with him and what it might look like in 5 years ... .10 years.  Consider the good and the bad, the challenges you will face and the benefits you might gain as an individual.  Be objective and honest with yourself and try not to sugar coat reality.

Once you do that ... .where do you want to take this relationship?

Thank you again for your input.

He said he put in an application for an apartment this morning.  It looks like he's going to go ahead with his plans.  Our interactions are minimal at best.  He tries to avoid me at all costs but I do make an effort once or twice a day to talk to him for a few minutes.  I'm not sure I should even be doing that.  I told him that no matter his decision if he decides he needs help in the future he could call and I would be glad to help him.

I did not confront him with the disorder but I told him that he and I both know he has issues that should be addressed with therapy.  I have a friend who went through something similar who has been guiding me ... .she's a saint.  She said to offer but not force and let him know that no matter what happens I am ok with it.  She said that he is likely afraid he will say or do something that will freak me out and it's just not the case.  I don't know if he accepts that as reality or not.  I would just like him to feel better.

I honestly have no idea where it would be or go.  It's been ideal with the exception of the last six months.  He has never had anger or outbursts and has never been rude or mean.  He is a nice person with a good heart but an unfortunate past that tortures him.  He runs away and refuses to confront it ... .it's so disturbing.

This is the danger of relationships with borderlines.  It is easy to overlook the bad when the good is so good.  But he is all of it, the good and the bad.   I know for myself I have had a very hard time with this very aspect ... .accepting my ex for who she is as a whole and not just the part that I fell in love with.


Yes it is so very disturbing.  I hated seeing my ex self-destruct and it confused the hell out of me.  Keep in mind his issues are his alone to deal with.  You can't force him to face them no more than you can keep him from running from them.

Hi there

Yes it sounds so much like borderline. It's so hard when you find yourself in a relationship with someone undiagnosed, I know it well. And I'll never forget the first time mine walked into my house out of the blue and said he was leaving me. Complete shock! Logic tells you 'but we were so happy just last week, out to dinner and laughing. Why can't I even just talk to him now, where has he gone…?'

It's a self protective shut down. With my partner, he also had created false scenarios of me cheating on him etc to justify the need to shut down, or he took great offence to things that seemed illogical to me, to create reasons to get away, as you say, enemy no 1.

You have done well in detecting the possibility of BPD early on. I'm 3 years in (with a tally of 3 hellish breakups enacted by him), and only just linked it to BPD a few months ago.

Yes its possible your ex will come back after you, though he may make you feel he's never going to speak to you again... .highly unpredictable. One thing I will say is that it's a roller coaster like nothing else, and I wish I'd known about BPD from the first breakup. When he chased after me I was so happy he was back in my life that I didn't make him seek help for his meltdown. But it ended up being hell trying to navigate the situation without help, so if you resolve things at all, I think a diagnosis and therapy is highly recommended as a way forward. And if you do end it now, know that you are getting off a pretty rough roller coaster ride and, without help and left unchecked, BPD is a tough gig for all involved. Your life gets very disrupted and turned upside down many times over.

Good luck and let us know how things progress

I can see how so many can relate to this and it's comforting in some way.  I honestly thought I was losing it.  He still continues to stay in the basement with comments about how he is leaving soon.  He pushes me away in every way possible - sleeping when home, taking off on day off, etc.  I say nothing.  We discussed him leaving for a bit last night and I told him that it was ok and I will respect his decision.  I told him once he leaves he won't have to deal with me or this relationship anymore.  He strangely looked sad and said "you won't be my friend?"  ... .like a little kid.  I was dumbfounded.  You're avoiding me and telling me you're leaving and yet you want this to continue?  I still don't get it.

He refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong and refuses to see a counselor.  I have no idea how this will continue to play out... .

Emotional immaturity is a hallmark of BPD.   This is something he has carried with him since childhood, where his emotional development essentially stopped due to conditions in his family of origin (FOO) and possible genetic contributions as well.   If you think back on his behavior throughout your relationship you will likely see many cases where his behavior and reactions were very child like.  This is something I noticed with my ex quite frequently and even brought it up on a couple of occasions.  At the time it baffled me and I just chalked it up to lack of experience in a mature relationship (even though she was in her mid thirties).  Now having made the probable BPD link I understand this behavior now and what likely caused it in her life.

Here is an article that discusses development of BPD.



A Biosocial Developmental Model of Borderline Personality:  Elaborating and Extending Linehan’s Theory (http://www.psych.utah.edu/people/people/crowell/publications/3-crowell.pdf)

Every day is a roller coaster of insanity.  Yes, he is very emotionally immature... .I have never seen anything like it.  He is still determined to get his own apartment because he "feels better alone" and "can't do a relationship".  He has recently acknowledged that he needs help but "can't stomach the thought of it" because it's "too much to deal with".

Do I just ignore him until he moves and then not respond to calls or texts?  I don't know what the heck to do here.

I'm not sure I can deal with this anymore... .I am crying all the time and he is just - sorry, but I don't want to be here.

Should I try to hide my crying and ask him to move in with his family because I can't deal with it?

Does anyone have any experience with this?

Sorry to keep following up ... .I didn't have the guts to tell him to leave.  I love him and it's of some comfort to still have him here I guess.  I tried to talk to him and he was firm that it's over but he wants to be friends.  He said that he is not comfortable in a relationship and that living alone he will have no one to disappoint.  I was crushed.  We have had few petty arguments in 3 years but apparently he took them all to heart and beat himself up about it and thinks he's a bad person and terrible partner.  I told him I never said that and always told him how great he was ... .evidently he did not listen to any of it.

I asked him if it was fear.  This is his first real relationship and live in too.  I asked him if he was afraid of tapping into emotions he's never felt and often buried.  Perhaps he was afraid that if he gets too close then I might leave and he would be in really bad shape.  He first said no, then said I don't know and became quiet.  I told him how I felt again and we've left it for the night.  He is still downstairs and just wanted to be alone.

I have never been in a situation like this or felt this bad either.  I honestly feel worse for him.  He seems so lost... .

His sister doesn't get it either but I'm not sure she would.  She doesn't understand how someone who breaks up with his partner still stays, even after she's offered him a room at her place.  She is especially surprised when it starts getting late and he says he needs to get home.  Home to what?  As I write this I realize how bizarre it all sounds.

It really does sound like he could benefit greatly from some professional help.

Have you read this?

Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy)

Hi again,

I really feel for you and totally understand how it is to live through this bizarre behaviour. And it is so perplexing when they have apparently been storing up all these things that you've (apparently) said and done and you don't even know that it's all bubbling away under the surface, ready to explode. Their internal negative dialogue is so much louder than our loving and reassuring words...

During our most recent break up, I really thought that was it for good, he seemed unable to be around me and seemed very unwell and couldn't communicate his inner world. He pushed me away again and left me feeling that was truly it this time. And in that episode, meltdown phase, I think sometimes you can't do anything but leave space for them, or they feel pressure and stress, as much as you might want to stay by their side.



If you feel strong enough, perhaps you could take charge and guide things.

Like saying, 'I understand you're feeling very distressed at the moment and even though you're not sure of why you need the space, you do seem to need it. It's not helpful for us to stay in the same house at the moment. Try to arrange moving to your family's place to take the pressure off, as soon as you can.'

I mean, see it for what it is and don't panic. He's unwell right now and things may change again, but not overnight or while he's wrestling inside himself.

create some space, don't be afraid to do that, it sounds like a positive move from where you are, for both of you. Once the pressure is off, you might find a conversation open up between you, when his distress lessens. Read about BPD more, and know that there are many people who have it, and many people who love them (or at least try to!), you're not alone in this scenario.

I am wondering if your significant other actually left and came back?

Mine came to me today, joyful that he had keys to his new apartment.  He was trying to hide the joy but it was evident.  He apologized and advised he was leaving on the 15th.  By the look on his face (and his tone), I'd say it's over for good.  This is our first split ever in almost 3 years

His family called to express concern and knows he needs counseling.  I really don't want to get involved in their chase and screaming at him for being an idiot.  I feel it may cause more anger at me.  One called and said when she confronted him on what he was doing he said he wanted to be a butterfly and be free.  I'm sure I'll be bawling my eyes out when he leaves.  This is my first experience with anything like this and it's so off the wall I don't know where to put it.  My heart goes out for the others in this situation.  It's just awful and the worst part is how it comes out of nowhere.

Yes, he sounds very disregulated and unwell, especially if his family are picking up on it. Sounds like hell for you. I will explain my story a bit, hope it's not too long, it's just to explain the comings and goings of this disorder.

Yeah, my bf initially had a very bad meltdown a year and a half into our seemingly blissful (but sometimes confusingly troubled!) relationship. He went cold overnight and broke it off, was pretty awol for a few weeks, then came back down to earth and wanted me back.

We reunited but he was still having small meltdowns and doubt, and hallucinating that I was going to potentially leave him for someone else. So after 3 months he sent me a text out of the blue and said it was over after saying he wanted to marry me the previous week! Such extremes. Then he acted like a stranger for 3 months, as though he'd never even loved me! The shock of that treatment makes one do strange things. Such as pining after him. I was totally broken hearted though. None of it made sense, I needed to understand.

We got together again and he bubbled over again. But after that 3rd breakup I sent him a letter about BPD and he finally agreed something was wrong and he needed help. But I still figured it was over.

And here I am now (over a year after first meltdown) seeing him casually, once a week, and hoping his first psych appointment will be good! Has been a long and unpredictable road to this point. And the times he went off the planet I never thought he would even speak to me again, such is the icy coldness of being 'devalued' or painted black, as they call it in BPD literature.

Your guy sounds pretty unstable from what you've described. Sounds like he's been sitting on some heavy internal dialogue and suppressing unstable moods and it's finally bubbled over. Have you read about 'devaluing' in BPD? When mine did that to me, he would seem on top of the world, as though he'd made a great decision for himself. He would update his Facebook profile pic the same day he'd left me, or go out and party as if he were better off without me.

It's so hard to say what happens from person to person, some do leave and never return. But many BPD sufferers do return. Or at least come down to earth again after an episode and talk in a more reasonable way. My guy goes through a manic phase, is riteous and self absorbed, but eventually crashes into depression, and looks around at the damage and talks it through.

I've stayed around to make sense of it all, and because I love him so much. I'm giving him one last chance to have a go of therapy and a relationship. If it fails it fails I guess! But it's really hard work and my friends question my own sanity being that I've stuck around!

You have suddenly been thrust into the position of realising your loved one has (most likely) a personality disorder. Nothing can prepare a person for any of this. I have been shocked to my core by it at times. I thought it was me, I was so broken. I understand your position!

I do appreciate you sharing your story.  This is all new and so scary, really.  He left today.  He was packing and I helped him ... .he was all concerned that I was being so nice.  I told him that though I disagree with your decision, I still love you so there's no reason for me to be throwing things all over in a rage.  I could tell he was baffled.  As we loaded stuff in the car he just kept saying - you're too nice.  I just told him it was no problem and continued.

He left and I have not heard from him.  I told him he is welcome to touch base and not to be afraid if he realizes he's made a bad choice.  I said I will not contact you because you are leaving, but I am not angry.  The overall lack of emotion on my part and total kindness REALLY confused him throughout the process today.  Many members of his family have called and said he will not answer their calls.  He texted back a few and told them to leave him alone.  He has given NO ONE his new address and said he is keeping it to himself for a while.  I have no idea if he will come back or even call.  This experience has been the absolute worst.  He is a wonderful person and I do love him... .I've just never seen anything like this in my life.

He is in his own dark hole right now and only he can pull himself out of it.  Does he realize he needs professional help?

His sister called today and said he had answered her call this morning.  They spoke for a while and he was re-hashing their mess of a childhood and all its abuse.  He was demanding answers as to why his mother died and why they were left with such a fate.  She is coming from out of state to visit him and help him get into therapy.  She said he is having a breakdown and it breaks my heart for him.

I wish he would have told me and allowed me to help him with this instead of being so turbulent and running away.  I cannot imagine what they're all going through.  The family dynamics are such a mess because of the parent's death and what followed.  All I can do is give them their space and hope that counseling can help.  :'(

I agree.  This is a journey he has to take on his own.

Sounds like you handled everything really well, being kind as he was leaving. That's not easy to do.

As you say, it's like nothing you've ever known. I can relate to that a lot. It was shocking and confusing beyond words to me too. I've felt compelled to reply to you as I know just how strange and heartbreaking it is.

As you can see, he's gone through a process of; finding reasons to find fault with you and push you away, then made the decision to leave, seemed happy about it and disconnected, then successfully isolated himself and crash landed into his depression and unresolved trauma.

You've done very well to recognise BPD as the probable cause. It took me so much longer.

So with this in mind, at least you know it's something that's out of your control. It's his own trauma and mental instability and confusion that has caused the separation.

One thing you might be able to do if you wanted to, is to mention to one of his family members that you

trust, that you suspect it to be BPD. Maybe then he could get the right help from the beginning, a decent diagnosis. A clinical psychologist at the very least.

Finding a good therapist for myself was very helpful in that situation, I highly recommend it. It will keep you sane in this hard and unpredictable time you're experiencing.

I doubt he will cut you off forever. I'm guessing he will be able to talk to you again at some point. But if he does, he likely won't understand why he behaved as he did, very hard for you or for him to make any sense of it without professional help. I've tried it and it's tough.

I hope something shifts and becomes clearer for you soon.

If you haven't yet read it, the article "Why We Struggle In Our Relationships" on this site contains an excellent explanation of how closeness feels threatening to the fragile sense of independent self of someone with BPD. It is not only fear of abandonment in a simple sense. There is a threat of annihilation and therefore a genuine pleasure and gratification in separating from the intimate partner who IS, to someone with limited skills in defining himself, a threat.

That may help to make it all less strange.

I agree he is likely to respond as well as possible to the way you handled this, without judgment or recrimination. My ex also was shocked that I did not express anger and while telling him I didn't think the split was necessary and there were other ways, let him go without making him feel bad.

The flip side of my understanding is that it became the motif for our relationship thereafter, and it became our mutual expectation that he could do whatever felt good to him and I would not object or say anything. There is a limit to how far one can get in an intimate relationship on those terms.

To me, where he is now makes sense. He may be quite accurate in saying he needs to be alone and he can't do relationships. He is undoubtedly right to be going back to look at his own traumatic history. My ex did the same. However, at the same time he used other coping strategies that were more at odds with the trust and love we had felt for each other. So it could all be a mixed bag where he has some insight but not enough to allow him to function as your partner in a way that works for you. If you're calm and steady emotionally you could perhaps just wait and see without pre-judging. That said, he doesn't sound like he has the skills or is likely to acquire the skills to be a real partner to you. My ex too wanted to be friends. He could handle that without disappointing me, he felt. It all does make sense from inside the disorder.

Just a post script to say that--for those of us with a solid sense of self, it can be really hard to grasp, but for someone without that, it is possible that separation from a "threat" to that self may in fact be the highest value and the most important thing. More important that maintaining a love relationship. That is heartbreaking, but you have to appreciate the urgency with which someone who never had their self respected or allowed, craves NOT being absorbed into someone else, not losing themselves in a relationship, not elevating the needs and concerns of others. Coming from his own experience, that may in fact be the most important thing. I think, for my ex, it is. The trouble with my ex is that he does not see it that way, and is on a continual quest for the r/ship that will not threaten his sense of self. That's the messed up and hurtful part.

I so very much appreciate all of the comments and helpful tips everyone has posted here.  It has been such a strange journey and I am still trying to cope with the mess.  It's been about a week and a half and after a text he reached out to me.  He insists that he misses me and our home a little but he's fine and I told him he's living in denial but that's his choice.  His family (some I've never met) have reached out to me over the last week and a half and I feel like I've been immersed in all of them - much of it very dysfunctional - another thing I never knew.

That being said, it's been so insane I have opted to extract myself from the situation.  I am leaving the state to visit family for a couple of weeks and re-focus.  I have been so involved in the "wow" phase that I have allowed myself to cry, go crazy, analyze and submit to craziness.  I am seeing now that I cannot help him and need to make myself whole again.  Who knows what the future holds but this has been the worst experience ever but then, we learn from all experiences I suppose.

I really empathise with what you're going through. Unlike other separations which can atleast be based on some logic or discussion, this type of break up has such a high level of shock involved. The disbelief can throw you into pure turmoil! There's nothing quite like it! Sounds like you're doing as well as you can, and that he has gone into some sort of shut down, it's a terrible feeling to be pushed away and have no control over the situation, I know the feeling well.

But as you say, there are some things you can do, such as going away and trying to Look after yourself. commit to that as best as you can. If it's any consolation, in these situations where the BPD partner does return, many will come back for a bit, but then withdraw suddenly again. From my experience of this happening, it was just as terribly heart breaking every time it happened. If he's not wanting to seek help and is saying he's fine, then it leaves you no choice but to leave that situation anyway, as you can probably see, but of course it doesn't hurt any less at the time.

Hopefully it will heal more quickly than you think and you can meet someone stable and supportive in your near future. I wish you well. And keep posting here if it helps. It's sad but also reassuring to know so many people have had this same experience and can talk about it.

It has been an unbelievable shock ... .in other relationships you do have a reason and with this, there is none so you are left saying wth happened?  It's so interesting because I spoke to a friend that I have had for years last night and she disclosed something to me that I never knew.  She too had an upbringing of abuse at the hands of her mother who has issues, to say the least.  Her mother is not well and refuses to take medication to this day.  Regardless, this lack of nurturing and abuse by her mother made her realize on her own that she might have BPD.  She has been in therapy for over 11 years and never told anyone.  I was so shocked... .

She explained how when things get too easy or when a partner gets too comfortable, she will flee.  In a normal relationship when a man gains 20lbs and watches the game all weekend, women are content.  With her, it gives her a terrible fear of losing herself and she runs.  She has been with the same man now for years and this works because he is very loving and then withdraws a bit.  Not cruel but very independent.  He travels for work alone and might not call for a day.  He keeps himself in shape and other women eye him.  It is this collective group of behavior on his part that makes her yearn for more and never leave because she feels that she cannot nail him down for good.  Crazy to me, but I understood where she was coming from.

Her advice was to focus on me.  Workout more, get hair extensions, break routines, get therapy and spiritual guidance and meet new people.  It will only benefit me anyway.  She said once I change, become unreachable and a little more distant, he will find out through mutual friends and try to call.  She said to always keep him at a distance one he does because it will actually be the best way to recover from this and maybe get him into therapy.  She said even if you meet someone new, all of this could really benefit everyone.  That being said, it's definitely a good motivator.

Hi newhere2016,

You have been so kind to him and non-judgmental -- this will probably help him stay connected to you, even if it is not in the way you want, at least for now. It is so easy to feel lost and unmoored in a BPD relationship because so much feels confusing and upside down and you managed to feel empathy for him throughout all of this. I'm so sorry for the pain you feel, and if nothing else, know that there are many others who have walked this path you're on, puzzled and hurt and feeling shock.


It is not a reason that makes sense in normal terms, though there are reasons. It sounds like he does not have the interpersonal skills to deal with intense emotions in an intimate relationship. Intense feelings can feel incredibly risky and even for people who are not BPD, the intensity coupled with someone else can feel very frightening. If he is BPD, he suffers from emotional and cognitive dysregulations + distortions, and this makes him act on those distortions in ways that make perfect sense to him and not at all to you.


It sounds like she is describing fear of engulfment, which some pwBPD tend to experience in addition to fear of abandonment. He does seem avoidant, from what you describe.

It's good advice to focus on yourself, because your BF sounds like he considers your feelings, and thinking that he made you feel bad may increase the shame he feels. Like he's doing you a favor by removing himself from your life. If he sees that you are resilient and grounded, this helps him locate that part of himself too.

newhere2016, it sounds like you are staying positive and remarkably centered.

I'll tell you my story. I was with my ex for three years. She never left me, but threatened to, saying she always regretted having said it. After my break-up, two months ago, I was fine for the first week, and strong in my conviction. Week two, I derailed, even though I made the decision to leave. It was still a major What the heck split, because of her behavior, leaving me to ponder "wait, did I leave her, or did she provoke me to leave her." I simply grew weary of being a punching bag. In retrospect, she had expressed so many times she needed lots of space, but only as a generalization. I rarely could determine if she felt engulfed/enmeshed when we got together. At that point, I still hadn't connected the dots - I believe I am dealing with a highly disorded, albeit high-functioning individual who hides it fairly well outside the home. I think she was feeling bored, and possibly wanted me gone. Perhaps she was cheating on me, at least emotionally. Could be I was too safe and her fire died.


That rings harrowingly true. A friend said to me on several occasions to play hard to get. Even my ex made statements that mystery keeps things alive and too much familiarity is not healthy. She needed time to miss me. Well, I was missing her too much, all the time, and not just physically. Emotionally I felt a chasm. Like your guy, my ex did not communicate well, was dodgy in her frequency, never talked on the phone (even if I was away for several weeks). She always communicated in written form. No surprise visits from her (we lived in the same building, and she never came by) or I just called because I wanted to hear your voice. Never seemed to look forward to seeing me. It felt like it was a game, and the rules kept changing, but she was the only one who knew them. She left it up to me to keep it exciting and interesting. That's just too much distance for me, personally, with very little reward. She was too much take and not enough give, and I gave too much. I want a partner, not a mistress. I am not designed to play that game. I was very disatisfied with our dynamic, and more distancing was the last thing I needed. A major shift occured when I moved into her building. The irony is, it was her idea, then she said she felt crowded. It's a no-win. Another shift occured when I moved out in February. More distancing.

My father died in November, and I had to leave the country to attend to it and see to his affairs. Never did she contact me to ask how I was doing, how we were holding up on my end, how the funeral went. It's like she has zero interest in me and my affairs. I'm just a love object she keeps in a box at her own convenience and whimsy. When she picked me up at the airport she was radiant, like a child. But before long, she was flat again. I brought this up, and she said "when your out of the country I really miss you, but when you're here, I know you're here, even if we don't see each other for a while." That speaks volumes.



At this point I am asking myself, if she contacts me, do I really want a woman who is that selfish in my life. Regretable for both of us that she may have serious issues, but I am not getting my own needs met, as beautiful as she is in many ways. It's just self-flagellation, at this point.

I would optimally like her to seek treatment, but not holding my breath, and even then, it's a long hard haul. She told me at the start of our relationship, that if the sex dies, the relationship is over. Also, she does not stay friends with an ex. So I am really questioning why I feel inclined to help her at all. Maybe I'm simply venting ;-)

In any case, you need to do what is right for you. I've read many places that it's best to just get out and move on. Go N/C, because they will leave you again with greater frequency and shorter interims once you return and they sense you have weak boundaries. I confess, I do wonder who could be amping her need for romance and mystery right now; if she wanted me gone because there was another guy waiting in the wings. There's a lot of talk about this dynamic with pwBPD, damsels and white knights. And if she returns, did he not work out? She is apparently not concerned about how I am feeling or doing right now. As many have said, they are in emotional developmental arrest. Do I want to take care of a childish person, or are MY needs also of equal importance?

And no one has asked you yet, as far as I can read, but are you familiar with codependency? What was your own childhood like? This is not my first toxic relationship, and for that reason I am holding up much better than I did in previous.

I really cannot say enough how much I appreciate everyone sharing their stories and advice.  I can relate to your story in a lot of ways.

My childhood was average.  There were some unfortunate events that came every few years in the form of deaths.  My grandmother at 10, my grandfather at 14 and then I lost both of my parents to terminal cancer at 26 and 28 - these deaths were the worst to deal with.  As the eldest child I took in my younger siblings and cared for them until they left and married.  I am in my mid 40s.

My ex is in his mid 30s.  He too is one who does not like to open up about feelings or even talk.  He does convey more in writing - texts and such.

I did receive a call from a relative of him yesterday to check in.  She mentioned he went to the beach with the family.  Interesting since he almost never went out here unless I dragged him.  She said it's because he doesn't have a tv or cable in his new apartment and he's bored, but I just don't know.  He always claimed he liked to stay in.  He has been going out with them on a very regular basis which is just so strange to me.  Although I suspect he has BPD he does hold a job and has for years.  He seems to do well at his job but once work is over he would come home and stay in his apartment (before we moved in) and then in our home (after he moved in).  He was more active - dinner, movies - when we were dating but then he just kept himself at home a lot.  We went on several vacations and such but he told me he does not like to travel.  Another touching point when we left was that he was on third shift and I asked him to go to days if he would.  He did - and then said he only did it to please me and it made him miserable.  I asked him why would you not say anything and he said he did it to make me happy.  Interesting since he did something to make me happy, which made him miserable and I am guess ultimately resent me.

He goes out all the time now with family.  I should note that it's a family member who witnessed his abuse as a child (her mother was the abuser) and she is also someone who speaks negative of him behind his back - and he knows this.  Yet he runs over to please her, run her errands, take her kids out, etc.   Again, a lot of this has just become known to me over the past couple of weeks.

It's like he goes from the quiet person to mr party man ... .and with someone who witnessed the abuse.  He moves away from here and ignores me.  The one time we spoke he was almost cocky at some points with his tone.  We will need to speak once more this week before I leave for vacation to go over a couple of shared bills and agreed to do that in a few days.  I so badly want to say something but I am concerned the anger will overcome me if I do.  I don't think I will get it ever... .just way too confusing.

One other question for all of you.  Since I do have to speak to him a final time on Thursday, I was going to make the conversation about bills - and boundaries.  :)oes anyone have experience with this?

I have read a lot about them not calling as a matter of control and such ... .I've actually read a lot about this.

He knows that he did me wrong but yet he will not call or reach out.  From what I have read, this is a manipulation and control technique.  As far as this week, I was going to say to him:

Your issues and dysfunction were pointed out.  You had a supportive partner who offered help and was willing to stand by you during that process, you chose to refuse and run away.  This was your choice.  After years of kindness and love, I have been negatively affected by this choice.  I will recover from this and you will not until you make an effort to get help.

If you decide to get therapy and help you can reach out to me and I will help you.  I did a lot of research on therapists before you ran out of the home and have good people lined up when you decide to move forward. I am no longer comfortable with any of this as you have shown me that you run from people who help you and run to people that are highly dysfunctional and do not care about you which tells me you are in a very bad place.

If you continue as you are and do not get help, I do not want to communicate with you at all. 

I am not getting sucked into this insanity any further because that's exactly what it is and I will not live that way or continue to be affected by your bad decisions.

Too cruel?

Not too cruel at all, but keep in mind, it will be your actions that demonstrate your resolve, not anything you say or don't say.  He knows he is in the wrong.  He knows cutting off communication with you is not only controlling and emotionally manipulative but also petty.  And yet he does it anyway.

My wife did the same thing she left: took her months to unblock my cell phone and we are a family.  Did horrific, horrible things to manipulate me that she knew would cause me to lose sleep and worry and not be able to heal,  Calls of late only when she needs something.  By all appearances couldn't care less about the damage she did to me and our children.

My T was worried enough about the burden this has placed on my family that he referred me to a psychiatrist to see about getting on an anti-depressant for a few months to help with this adjustment.  The P was fairly young but still had been out of residency for a decade-ish, and she was nearly in tears at the end of our session.  That's not encouraging.

This disease chews people up and spits them out, including the sufferers. I'm not telling you to run and I know intimately and painfully just how badly you want to save your relationship, but as I've gone through therapy, it has dawned on me that if we didn't have children - hell, if we weren't married - I would have already moved on.  It appears that I'm farther down the road in my relationship, but I can tell you that despite years of medication tweaks and increasing visits with the psychiatrist, if anything my wife got worse and worse.  Granted, she had been incredibly under-diagnosed, but I lived it and it just kept getting harder. 

Say your guy decides he wants to reconcile;  Then what?  Is this the life you want to live for the next fifty years?  Maybe the good times make the bad times worth it - I know in my case when we were good we had the best time of my life - but it did get worse.  A lot worse.  Even with treatment. 

You're not being too harsh, but I can tell you that in my case when I put down a shiny boundary around what was and wasn't acceptable, that was when the wheels set in motion for my wife to abandon our family.  Are you ready for that possible outcome?  Either way you're spot on with your expectations, but saying in no uncertain terms how you feel could very well seal the demise of your relationship.

newhere, If I were to reach out and communicate this message to someone, I know I would feel the need to refrain from language that will be received as critical, threatening, shaming or accusatory. To be honest, when I read what you are suggesting, it resounds in places more of your personal need for him to seek out treatment/help than your concern for his well-being.

You may want to keep it very brief, state you concerns and objectives, imply no ultimatums or expectations, and offer support. After that, it is out of your hands.

I imagine if I would ever feel motivated to express these things to my ex, I would do it under the condition that it is for her well-being, not for how it could personally reward me i.e. fixing OUR relationship. There are no guarantees she would seek it, and if she did, no guarantees it would resolve our relationship conflicts any time soon. Perhaps smeone else will offer their observations.

It's good to deal with the anger you justly feel. He acted in confusing and hurtful ways and barely provided an explanation. Who would not be hurt by that  :'(


This might not bear fruit if the goal is to reunite at some point. If he is BPD, he likely has a self-construct in which he is "wrong," and different, and filled with shame. Shame is an incredibly difficult emotion for anyone. In Shari Manning's book about loving someone with borderline, she describes how people with BPD are like emotional burn victims. The may be biologically predisposed to intense emotions and then experience an invalidating environment (sometimes inadvertently), which turns the heat up constantly. Much of their behavior is about trying to alleviate the pain, and this can be confusing to us, which it often is, especially as people who love them.

Trying to socialize with family may be his way of trying something new to help himself. It may have very little to do with how he was with you and more to do with trying to alleviate intense emotional pain. He had a role when he was with you (boyfriend), and he no longer has that. He may be trying to figure out this other role (son, brother, etc.), especially if he has BPD and an unstable sense of self.

I agree with Black Dog House that you may be more likely to keep the door open if you can find empathy for him, and validate his experience and nothing else. No judgment, no shame. If it's too soon to do that, that's ok too.

Icanteven, very good post.


This resonated enormously with me. There is a lot of talk about boundaries with this disorder, but in my case, it tended to exacerbate conflict. It sounds wonderful on paper, but stands to reason that if, as is contended, you are dealing with an immature individual, they are not going to respond well to hearing no and not getting what they want (when and how they want). I learned it worked at times, but found myself giving in increasingly often to avoid the exhausting fallout. Another reason was I feared, as you have experienced, that this could well push the relationship into decline, with her leaving me. The fact that I left her is of no small consequence: I would be dealing with this much differently if I waited until she left me. Having someone give up on you when they have been dishing out the abuse is the ultimate degradation, as many here can attest, and why recovery is so difficult.

Children cannot leave their parents, or I imagine many would when they become petulant. Adults can, and if they are feeling frustrated at not having their way while possessing an extreme intolerance of compromise, what is keeping them around? My ex is defiant in the extreme. Boundaries just pissed her off.

Yes, all the behaviour you described him to have sound very BPD. I couldn't understand it either when my bf stopped wanting to go out, and just wanted to stay in, avoid travel, avoid, parties, and the rest. Also, the way they do a little thing for you and then resent you for it afterwards. They see a little thing they did for you, but don't really see the huge things we do for them (all the sacrifices of not going out anymore, not travelling, paying for extra things to cheer things up and make things fun, waiting by their side while their moods fluctuate, trying to understand them and show endless compassion and so on).

Yet, as the others mention, the guilt and shame element of the disorder is strong. Even a whiff of being made to feel bad results in them not dealing, and then running the other way, or worse, going on an illogical defence / attack rant about our shortcomings as partners... .and then running. We are left sort of seeking their approval, even though we know we didn't wrong them, we want them to come back to earth and see reality again. But that can never be rushed or pushed, it will only happen when they're ready to come back.

It's almost impossible though to hide that you are hurt, how can one win? In any other circumstance, you could express that hurt and get a logical response. But in this case, if you express your hurt, they find a way to be hurt about your hurt!

So in terms of BPD, expressing your pain will get you no where. But in terms of being human, expressing your pain is fairly essential. Playing into someone's warped psychology is a slippery slope, as in, "how should I react to get the result I want... ?"

I admit, I've done it a lot through my own trials and tribulations with a BPD partner, when I didn't know it was BPD. It can work temporarily in terms of gaining their attention, but then they throw another spanner in the works and you never know what to do next.

the only thing that helps sometimes is stripping it back another layer and seeing it for what it is. Be factual in your mind: they have a disorder, these behaviours are coping techniques for an emotionally imbalanced person who knows no other way. Which then prompts you to remember, yes there are ways of communication which will be more successful, such as mentioned in the 'tools' section of this website.

But these are very hard to enact when a pwBPD is in crisis, as he is.

If you're worried about not knowing the right course of action right now, I'd suggest just leaving the bills out for him and not being around for a face to face just yet. You can leave a note there too so it's not totally cold, if you want. Though if you have decided that you need to assert yourself as a person and say what you feel, then do that by all means. Especially if you are laying down the law with yourself that you don't want to be treated like this, and that you are willing to walk away from the situation. It's up to you.

How you're feeling now is completely normal, considering the situation. Although you may not get the reaction you want, you are human and allowed to express yourself.

Well, that didn't go as planned... . He called me today and I LOST IT.  I asked him if his brain has at any given time (yet) told him to seriously analyze the choice he made... .no response.  I told him that he needs help and that I am concerned that he is making VERY bad choices and I don't want to see anything bad happen to him.  That he cannot BLOCK out everything and that I know he hasn't. That he is NOT WELL.  His family is not well and not in a position to give him ANY advice and that as the one person who is outside the equation and has demonstrated that I care about him, this whole thing makes me sick.

I expressed that I didn't like to be firm with him but that he needs to hear it.  That a lot of women in my situation wouldn't be speaking to him after what happened and that it is coming from a place of genuine concern since I don't want to see him make bad choices, be used by his family and end up in a mental hospital.  That I am not judging him because his past is not his fault.   That he doesn't speak to anyone and I don't know why - shame?  feeling like you're a burden?  not knowing how?  I told him that he has nothing to be ashamed of, he is a good person and his past is his past.  Him speaking to anyone or seeking help is not a burden at all and if he doesn't know how he can ask me and I will gladly help him.  That no man is an island and we all need a helping hand... .but that if he cannot accept that he needs it that neither I or anyone else can do anything to help him.

I told him that I do not benefit from anything here except the satisfaction of seeing him happy and not in constant pain and distress.  I cannot keep up with any of this and that if he refuses to listen to the advice I am giving him I am going to set up SERIOUS boundaries and that the door will only be open if he decides to GET HELP.  He said nothing most of the time and I told him that I have said all I can and have to go - and hung up on him.

After having this experience and reading the heart-wrenching things on this board, I couldn't care less about reuniting.  He is not well and no one is telling him so.  There are actually family members benefiting from his illness/decisions, and using him now.  Others taking satisfaction that he messed his life up.  They are a bunch of vulchers, feeding off him and the waste behind him.  The abuse that they endured has left almost all of them, save the ones who have had therapy, a mess.  He was never the type to yell or go into a rage, on the contrary, he was always quiet - very quiet.   He was always kind and the type who can never say no to anyones request no matter the cost to him for fear people wouldn't like him.  I feel that one of his family members helped push him to this decision.  Since she moved here he has been more distant, irrational and eventually he jumped ship.  I told him point blank that she is a very disturbed person and does not care about anyone but herself.  That when he seeks clarity to look at everyone and their advice and ask himself - do they really care?  is there opinion of this situation skewed? and do they have anything to gain?  Don't take advice from anyone that has anything to gain.

Maybe my approach was wrong but I did it and it's done.