BPDFamily.com

One day, I was buying her flowers and thanking her for being in my life. The next day, I was discarded and replaced. What followed was gas lighting, a smear campaign, my ex parading around our workplace with other men, attacks on social media, silent treatment, stalking, manipulation and threats of a restraining order just for wanting to actually talk like an adult about what happened.

Now it's five months later, and she still uses Facebook to declare me a toxic person. If I was so toxic, why did I give her the most drama free relationship of her life? If I was so toxic, why am I the one still heartbroken about all of this, while she's on social media bragging about how great her life is now? If I'm so toxic why did I never act jealous, insecure, hateful, mean or abusive during our 4 years together?

5 months ago, I would have fell on a sword for this woman. Now? Now, I despise and resent her for the hell that she turned 2016 into. It's what I can't wrap my brain around, why does it seem like she wants me to hate her? I've never seen a human being do a complete 180 like this. It's like she's trying to find ways to make me hate her. Hell, I don't even want to hate her, I know that deep down, there's a good person there, albeit a broken person, but still a good person is in there. But damn, I've never seen someone who seems like their life's mission is to make me hate her.

That is a strange phenomenon to me as well but the truth is my exgf believes her family and most other people hate her as well. I guess this is projection from what she feels about herself? It took years for my exgf to even accept a compliment from me.

I believe my exgf only feels acceptable when she has someone who gives her complete control and I would say love but it isn't love it's more of an immature lust or addiction or infatuation?

My exgf demanded all my attention and when I decided I didn't want this because I got nothing in return but wore out and beat up, I told her I had enough. I know some people believe their exes walked away from them but I think if we were treated anything like my exgf treated me she hated herself all the more for knowing what and who she is and does.

Imagine how bad you feel when you lie, cheat and steal then multiply that a few thousand times. I don't care how well pwBPD can split or anything else, if just 5% of their crap they gave us reveals itself to them I think if I were them I would hate myself too.

Simple answer: she's a mentally-ill person.

Slightly less simple answer: you got painted black, so in her mind you're now "evil". BPDs think in black/white, they mostly see the world as "all good" (idealization phase) or "all bad" (discard phase).

It's one of the maladaptive defence mechanisms used by the BPDs' psyche to avoid having to process/face pain, shame, own mistakes, etc.

Yeah, I'm clearly painted black and probably will be until the day I die. I'm just so frustrated by this lately. When she discarded her ex husband, he fell into a spiral of heroin addiction. He was sold to me as a worthless drug addict. Now I see, SHE clearly had A LOT to do with that spiral. I refuse to let something like that happen to me.

Some days are harder than others, I suppose? Lately, everyday has been tough. When my last gf and I split after 5 years, I was already dating someone new 5 months later. It was a very amicable split. THIS has been on a whole other level and it has been TOUGH getting through. I've NEVER been the type that gets depressed, and lately, I just feel depressed all the time.

I think all of us who've had breakups initiated by our BPD partners would do well to just remind ourselves of this, full stop.  Don't analyze.  Don't beat yourself up.  Don't replay the past.  Certainly don't try to fix, as fixing = control = no chance in hell of reconciling = prolonged pain.This has been, for me, one of my most powerful coping mechanisms.  Yes, I made mistakes over the years.  Yes I would change things.  But, she is mentally ill. 

The funny thing is, we're so close to our situations that we want to analyze everything to death, but "my [BPD partner] is mentally ill" is all that needs to be said.  Don't believe me?  Try it out on your friends and family sometime.  That's where their heads are, I would just about guarantee it.  To a person, that's been the reaction of dozens of people who love our family and care for us both:  "but [Icanteven], she's not well."

One quibble:  I don't think they make us hate them at all.  Once they're gone, we can choose to engage or choose not to; hating them is choosing to engage, and that's on us.

Imagine a 3 year old with a new toy. At first the toy is the best thing in the world and is the centre of the 3 year old's world.

Then the toy breaks or gets boring or doesn't make the 3 year old happy any more. So the 3 year old loses interest, hates the toy for being "useless", maybe even throws the toy away. Maybe even stamps on the toy in disappointment and frustration.

Then the 3 year old finds a new toy to play with.

My foo set me up for analyzing everything and everyone because my environment wasn't child friendly. It became habit and it continues to this day.

I agree with Icanteven, we will never understand their thinking and I for one am grateful I cannot understand. That would make me just as sick I believe. Focus on the facts like Icanteven said.

They are MENTALLY ILL, and that is not comprihensible for us nons.

Because they are spiteful, petty, selfish, controlling, insecure, unapologetic, ungreatful, mentally ill and it's all your fault (they blame you for many things).

Hey Dhand ... .sorry you're having a rough go at it. I know how you feel. I've found therapy to be very helpful. My therapist has a lot of experience with BPD and while I definitely have my tough days the knowledge he passes down on a weekly basis is helping. Have you looked into to seeing someone? I look forward to my weekly appointments.

He keeps telling me one thing - I have a logical brain, my ex does not. So I need to try to stop making sense of her actions because that just isn't possible.

hang in there, dude.

I actually have been seeing a T. She pretty much says the same thing, I'm trying to apply logic where logic doesn't exist. That I'm painted black and will probably remain painted black as long as we work in the same building. Yesterday we talked about all of the ways she has tried to "bait" me into a confrontation AT WORK these past 5 months. My T thinks she wanted to get me fired, because I'm a constant reminder of her shame and guilt for what she did. It's just, damn, if we talked to each other, ya know, like adults, it wouldn't even have to go down like this.

I was doing really well until I had to delete all of my social media accounts, there's something about that that just rubs me wrong. Granted, I don't want her to know anything about my life right now AND without social media, I can't see her stuff(which is good), but to be forced to take down my stuff to basically "hide" from someone, drives me up a wall. I'm waaaaay too much of an upfront guy for all of this passive aggressive, hiding, no contact stuff.

But trying to get me fired from a job I've had for 13 years?

That's great that you're seeing a T and that she seems to understand BPD.

Why did you have to delete your social media? Couldn't you just block her? I could see how deleting it would make you feel like you're giving some power to her. I went off instagram at first (that's all my ex is on) and my friend and my T were like - you like going on there, don't stay off it just because of her. So I went back on. the main reason I got off it at first is because I couldn't stop checking out her instagram page. But I've since lost that urge and never look.

Do what you need to do for you, tho. If you feel like being on social media, take the right steps and be on social media.

After she started dedicating her social media to smearing me, I just had enough. Despite us blocking each other, she's using a dummy account to view my page. I did a "test" by making my posts public and had a friend watch her page to see if she would make her's public. Lo and behold, two days later, her page was public and my friend informed me that I WOULD NOT like what I saw there. So, I'm throwing in the towel on social media for the rest of 2016. I honestly just don't want to give her that opportunity to cyber stalk me, since blocking obviously didn't work.

I don't really view it as giving her power. I feel like I'm taking some of it away. She wanted me out of her life, so, that includes my social media. You get what you wanted. She needs that tether way more than I do. After all, she's the one that lacks object constancy, not me.

Also, I have a creepy story about how she found some message board posts of mine from 2010/2011, which always weirded me out, and that seemed to get into my head lately. So, I feel like, wiping the slate clean and starting anew on social media in 2017 would be for the best. I'm just frustrated that it's come down to this. It's such a disappointment to see 4 years get p!ssed away.

Hi Dhand77,

You've been at your job for a long time and have seniority. Management and co-workers should have a relationship you and know you. We don't know how long that your ex will have you split black but things are not always going to be this way.

Thanks Mutt,

I know, I've developed a lot of relationships here over the course of 13 years. The ones that KNOW me are well aware that it's lies. At one point a few co-workers had to jump in when she was attacking me on FB a few months back. That sent her back under her rock since she was a bit exposed for the manipulator that she is.

I just want her to find a nice shiny new toy, so she can forget about the broken one she left behind.

My advice is not to take sides and have co-workers take your side and jump in when she is attacking you on FB. I understand that this was a few months ago. Try to stay in the center and not take your co-workers side or your exe's side because it will make things polarized if you side with either and cause more drama then is necessary, things will die off quicker if you don't give her attention.

                         

Hey Dhand-


I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very painful.  And you ARE going through it, meaning there's another side.

As others have said, borderlines use primitive coping skills to live with themselves, and if she can cause you to hate her, then she can make you an evil ass, play victim, and pack up all her guilt and shame and send it into this bad, evil place called "you" so she doens't have to feel it.  That may or may not have anything to do with reality, it's just someone with a mental illness doing what they know how to do to make the bad emotions go away and feel better.

But that's her.  It sounds like you're done with the relationship and you just want the vitriol to stop, don't blame you, and it's an added challenge when you work together; my ex and I worked together too, and the day she got fired I felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders.  You can't have an adult conversation with someone who isn't an adult emotionally, so that's not an option, but it does sound like it's time to start taking your power back, and your life back.  Is there an HR department where you work?  That's what those folks are there for, and if you put your job and your wellbeing above all else, and your employer will be motivated to support that because they'll get better work out of a happy employee, then things might be done, change departments, change working hours, use an "internal restraining order" or the like to keep her away from you, whatever it takes to improve your work life.  And if she feels like a team of folks are coming at her she might quit, you can always hope yes?

Social media is sticky, it being new in the culture and it sure does stir up a lot of sht for people.  I unfriended my ex on FB right away but I never blocked her, because screw her I'm going to live my life, but she was too ashamed to post anything.  And I agree with you, hiding out from your life is not empowering, and focusing on taking your life and your power back will do a world of good, and while you're at it, try and shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future as quickly as it's comfortable, and develop a vision for your compelling future, the life of your dreams, and take steps in that direction, which will build momentum, and that new life will take on a life of it's own, and she will just fade into the past.  Or as is common with borderlines, once you start living the life of your dreams you'll be mighty attractive, and watch, she'll show up as if nothing has ever happened between you and start idealizing again, but you'll be so done with her by then that it won't phase you at all, which will reinforce how far you've come; it's a brand new day!  Take care of you!

I really have to question, at some point, whether there's a good person "in there" or not. That's what I thought for the longest time. The trail of destruction this person leaves in their wake really makes me wonder how much good is "in there"... .

hi Dhand77,


This behaviors tells you a bit about how she is broken.  You bought her flowers and thanked her for being in your life.  That action, for any other person, would have touched them and made them feel closer to you.  And that is exactly why she discarded and replaced you.

For people with BPD (pwBPD), as I understand it, feelings of intimacy trigger their disordered feelings/behavior.  Why?  That's a whole other discussion.  But when she started to feel *too* close to you, she was also feeling overwhelmed by her imagined fear that you would abandon her.  So, how dare you consider abandoning her?  She then chooses to abandon you first!

The gas lighting, smear campaign... .those are all clues to her distorted (and disordered) perspective.  And also they are all defense mechanisms to shield her from the truth about her (from herself).  The thought process might be a like this (simplified): gosh, I'm finding that I love Dhand77... .but what if he just suddenly abandons me?  Why am I feeling like he's going to do this awful thing?  Whenever we're together he's perfect.  But when we're apart I can tell he's going to betray me.  Maybe it's because I am broken inside.  I must be worthless... .[and this probably goes on for quite a while]... .I can't be broken.  I'm the victim.  If he was trustworthy, then why would I feel so strongly that he can be such a jerk? ... .

Anger (and indignation) may be like an antidote to feeling helpless and hopeless like you might feel if you realized you had some disorder that prevents you from ever going close to a person like you want to (need to).  And all those other behaviors of making you the bad guy is a huge distraction from this awful personal realization.  This is why you can never try to "out crazy crazy."  Because it cost you to do those things; they actually get a pay-off from these outrageous behaviors.


Each time she declares you to be toxic, it is her playing mental gymnastics to feel better about herself.  Feeling angry about you, no matter how many distortions she needs to accept in order to stay angry at you, is a distraction from her acknowledging her broken nature.


If you fell on your sword for her, she would still be disordered.  She doesn't "want" to hate you... she "needs" to hate you.

 She doesn't "want" to hate you... she "needs" to hate you.


Wow, thanks Schwing. This really hits home. This is exactly how the past 5 months have felt. It's felt like she "needs" to hate me.

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time dhand77.

Have you talked about the stages of grieving with your t?  Being angry is kinda normal when we have suffered loss and especially when we feel we have been deceived and discarded.  It is a wound to our ego.

Understanding the disorder can also help us through the process of letting go and moving forward in our healing.  Have you read much about BPD?  schwing gives a good breakdown and description of some of the aspects of BPD.  Understanding how these behaviors serve them helps us not personalize their actions and aids us on our healing journey.

lbj

Been there: Trust me, I know how much it sucks. I was devalued in a TWO DAY PERIOD. Officially discarded two weeks later with an order stating, "do not contact me again." It's hurtful, confusing, immoral, and unfair. We didn't deserve that.

Projection: She is declaring YOU the toxic one because she is in denial of her own toxicity. She projects her negative feelings about herself onto you.

It's not over: The 180 can turn again. Don't be surprised if somewhere, out of nowhere, you're split white again.

Then don't: You don't have to. Why do you keep looking at her social media if it's causing you emotionally distress?

Just about every person I talk to about my ex will agree that she has some kind of emotional or mental issue. You don't have to be Freud to recognize it. They might not know what BPD or other mental illnesses are called, but they are aware enough to realize something is seriously "off."

That is good advice. I have some mutual friends as my ex. One of them asked me if I was okay after I got discarded. I simply responded, "I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to create drama for her or myself." That was the end of it.

This is one of the most insightful things I've ever read on here. I took a lot from this about my own situation. Thank you, schwing.

 From my T:

She is broken. She has a severe mental illness. The things she does are her ways of coping. She can't love me the way I love her... .


I remind myself of these things many times daily. So with the help of my T I'm at the point of realizing I deserve someone who will love me the way I love them. I had to stop projecting my hopes and wants onto my ex and see this for what it really is.

She has a severe mental illness. I can't change that. I can change me so instead that's my focus